Re: [UKSF XI] Team to play World Select XI

Robert Poleson <sp@xxxx> reduced the crowd to uncontrollable tears by
saying news:MPG.1e569cbe93f285b298971c@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx:


Now then, posters, I know many of you might not have been
expecting to see this announcement quite so soon but I feel that
training isn't really showing me everything I need to know about
the squad at my disposal.

Damn that's some good management. While we're all in a tizz about the
recent managerial appointment, and expecting it would take you weeks to
get your 3000 cubic foot whiskey cabinet installed in your office, you
spring all this creamy goodness all over our pretty young faces.

I have arranged for the World XI team to play the UKSF XI at
Youksefstad, 9 AM next Tuesday and I expect you all to be there,
fighting fit and ready for the game of your life.

Even if everyone I knew suddenly died and their combined funeral was at
9AM next Tuesday, I'd still turn up in my Youksef Y-fronts.

In goals we have West Ham and New Zealand's rocksteady OSBOURNE
RUDDOCK. Os has only been here a few years, yet he has managed
to establish himself as one of the groups most reliable posters.
Had he been under proper management over the past two seasons
who knows what heights he might have climbed to? Well, now we
have the chance to find out.

Like all of our Antipodean friends, Os leaves me with the vague sense of
whooshery every time I read one of his lovingly hand-reared organic
posts. The opposing attackers won't know what's hit 'em.

Our three man defence will consist of a couple of old hands in
the XI plus a bit of new blood. In the middle of it all we have
KULLRAD, no stranger to the UKSF defence. Some have questioned
his ability to be able to cope without his former defensive
partner and IRC/MSN cybersex buddy, me, but I have the utmost
confidence that Kully will do just fine. The Birmingham dumb
brummie *** should bring a bit of pace and mobility to an
otherwise, um... not very fast and mobile defence.

News that Kullrad's ballsack has been sponsored by QSI Ltd is nasty
vicious nasty naughty slander.

On the left of defensive trinity is Yorkshire's finest, a man
prepared to do whatever it takes for the good of the XI. He
stepped in admirably when the HOHY needed help, he stood against
a true UKSF legendary veteran when no one else had the stones to
do it. Yep, it's fair to say that Huddersfield Town's MARTIN is
a UKSF star in the making and I'm hoping his devotion to the
cause will be there for all to see on Tuesday.

His election campaign was even better than Michael Howard's "What would
you do if a bloke on day release gang-raped your daughter with his
asylum-seeking rottweilers and drop-kicked your grandad in the face?"
Let's hope he fulfills the promise that almost made me unpierce my Chad
and vote for him. I would have if he'd have given Strongbow the same
whole-hearted endorsement as Rob.

Sol Campbell ought to take a fucking good, hard look at our next
defender. SIR BENJAMIN NUNN has had his own personal problems
aired in public for months now, yet has he let it affect his
work rate for the team? Has he ***. Our Ben has been training
harder than ever and could well be in the form of his career,
which is no mean feat. The Coventry utility man has probably
played in more positions for the XI than anyone else and this
experience could prove invaluable against what will undoubtedly
be tricky opponents. And, let's face it, what else will he have
to do on a Tuesday morning at 9 AM?

*Looks at Ben's diary*

Hmmm, you'd be surprised.

With such a solid, not to mention powerful and erotic, defence
this allows me to be more adventurous in midfield and attack. On
the right side of midfield we have the one and only Archive
Monster, VICKY CONLAN. Having just endured the inconvenience of
having a toddler drop out of her snatch during training, she'll
be eager to roll her sleeves up and get on with what she does
best; scaring the *** out of the opposition. Don't be surprised
to see the Liverpool legend getting back to dish out a few
career-threatening tackles on Kully if he isn't doing his job
properly.

Are those baby-harness things allowed on the field of play? I suppose
human breastmilk is worth a try instead of the outdated half-time
oranges.

Now, what can I say about my central midfield pairing? JOE
HOROWITZ and MICHAEL CUNNINGHAM have very little to prove to
anyone in the world of newsgroup football and it gives me great
pleasure to be able to finally say I picked them for the UKSF
XI.

With a combined Archive weight of 110 KiloYouks, these two are going to
be a joy to behoove. My admiration for these two is only slightly
outdone by my addiction to masturbation.

At left midfield is assistant manager, ALLEN PARKES.

Fucking hell, let's hope the opposition have three spare fullbacks on
teh bhench.

As a link between the midfield and attack we have new UKSF XI
team captain, CYPHER. Two members of the BMA makes up the
coaching staff and I think it's only fitting that the third
member provides the leadership on the pitch. Cypher is truly a
poster for all seasons, while I have picked him to play behind
the strikers he will also be expected to drop back into a
holding role if things are getting dodgy at the back.

If Os leaves me feeling vaguely whooshed, Cypher leaves me feeling as if
I've been snorting permanent markers, poppers, coke, tippex and houmous
for a week. Cypher, I salute you. Well I would but I've just read one of
your posts and need a lie down.

Up front we have one of UKSF's longest standing, most respected
posters, DAT. The fact that he has been ignored by one or two
previous managers just goes to show how *** they were. Dat had
a very successful career under Horowitz, playing alongside the
one and only ST, and I expect to see him pass on some of his
vast experience and wisdom to the up and coming starlet playing
alongside him.

Howdy Pardner. You're looking mighty fine in that puce and maroon
Youksef training jacket. Don't get any fucking Brokeback Mountain ideas
though.

The final piece of my UKSF jigsaw is TONY MCCHRYSTAL. I have
long been an admirer of the TMAK and can't wait to see him in
action. Granted, the Everton man's attitude to training can seem
a tad lacklustre but whenever he does turn up he usually dazzles
us all with his amazing skills. A poster who should go on to
become a firm fan favourite.

I can only try and repay your vast faith in me Rob, and so on nights
before the match I'll only drink 6 litres of Strongbow as opposed to the
normal 8. I'll also get rid of that unsightly stain on your office
carpet that appeared at the same time as someone nicked your eighteen
bottles of Glenmorangie.

SUBS:
Paul Crankshaw
Strawb
roondog
Sid
James Cook

That bench is a fine mix of cuntiness, fresh dazzling raw talent,
lugubrious sexual desire and a dictionary to remind me what lugubrious
means.

FORMATION:

O. Ruddock

B. Nunn K. Hellbar Mr M

V. Conlan M. Cunningham J. Horowitz A. Parkes

Cypher (C)

T. McChrystal Dat
Good luck out there, lads. Give 'em Hell!

This is a brave step forward for the future of humanity, a brave step
forward.

.