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2006 New Employee Rules & Regulations

Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing £350 Prada shoes and carrying a £600 Gucci bag,
we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a
raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money
better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not
need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to
be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If
you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.

Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to
have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in
the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your
lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a
strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three
minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the
stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second
offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board
under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the
picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy!

Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so
that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch
to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get
5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a
Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

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Relevant Pages

  • Here be a good one!
    ... Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. ... Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. ... After your second offence, your picture will be ... Lunch Break ...
    (uk.radio.amateur)
  • Re: OT employee handbook (follow these instructions and you will keep you job for lifetime LOL)
    ... and therefore you do not need a raise. ... Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. ... door will open and a picture will be taken. ... Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to ...
    (alt.support.stop-smoking)
  • Re: OT employee handbook (follow these instructions and you will keep you job for lifetime LOL)
    ... LOL I printed this out for hubby's work bulleted board ... Courage doesn't always roar. ... Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. ... LUNCH BREAK ...
    (alt.support.stop-smoking)
  • Re: Help with SELECT
    ... You could Rank the 4 times per employee per calendar day (they ... Entry, Exit (for lunch), Entry ... fourth for each of the workers (generate a column carrying intergers ...
    (microsoft.public.access.queries)
  • OT: 2006/2007 Company Policy
    ... If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, ... We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch ... Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. ... and a picture will be taken. ...
    (sci.med.transcription)