Re: Mixed day yesterday

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firemonkey wrote:

Got dressed and out the door for the first time since the weekend this morning.

Well done :)

It took quite a lot of effort to do it as my anxiety levels have gone up several notches recently.

Do you know why? Have your circumstances changed, are your meds becoming less effective?

Yeserday i was so anxious and uptight i was contemplating hurting myself to try and distract myself from it.
If i could have faced going out the door and to the local co op to get the necessary booze then i might well have drunk till i collapsed in a dizzy heap on the bed and conked out.
Instead i found myself retreating to bed about 7 pm as i just felt so emotionally and physically drained by that time.


One thing i can never really get used to is how sometimes it's as though i am emotionally dead or flat ie pleasurable experiences are invariably muted to some degree but then invariably over negative things i feel too much and it just goes backwards and forwards backwards and forwards in my head making me more and more uptight and stressed.



Went into the day centre as we are not going down to the Allotment until the weather gets a bit better.

I thought you had been booted out in favour of the Art & Lit group. I understand you enjoy the allotment so it's good news if you can still go there.

That of course wouldn't be an issue if the stingy bastards that hold the purse strings would fork out for a shed we could use to shelter in every now and then when it gets really cold.

An allotment without a garden shed?????? That's so unBritish :)

Felt really apprehensive but just about holding it together when an old song from around the time i was first getting ill came on the radio that triggered me straight into tearful mode and that inner cold/shaky feeling you can get when you feel really anxious and upset.

I get a bit nostalgic when they play music I associate with ex girlfriends but strangely it doesn't make me sad - the opposite in fact.

Nowadays normally i don't cry much but recently several things have set me off . I used to be someone who was able to cry quite a lot but over the years for various reasons i could feel like crying but the tears wouldn't come to the surface.
They asked me why i was crying and i said i couldn't say exactly other than i have felt very anxious recently and quite down.(Both of which are true).
I thought if i told them it was on account of some long ago song triggering me they would think i was being really daft.

Was very tempted to rush out the door and flee home .We were going to go to Starbucks on account of it being one of the clients 60th birthday
and i was thinking it's not fair me trudging along and dragging the atmosphere down.
Then i thought it would be impolite if i didn't go as the other client is a thoroughly decent bloke.

Was quite nervous and edgy but made as much effort as i could to join in with the conversation.
After about an hour or so i felt a little calmer.

This afternoon went to my mothers and had my hair cut. The woman who cuts her hair also cut mine.
It needed cutting but it hurt a little when my mother said i was getting to look like an ageing rock star but then she has always been quicker with the negative comments than the positive ones.

From one perspective that's a compliment, you look as though you've got some personality rather than looking bland and boring and same-ish.

I bit my tongue and let it pass though.

Aside from that i had a reasonably good afternoon and evening.

Good. I hope today is going well for you too.

Evil Nigel

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