Struggling

Hey everyone,
Sorry I haven't been posting much lately. I have been feeling really
crap the last couple of weeks, and been having to carry on as normal
when I just feel on the edge of totally collapsing. I don't do that
much anyway, probably very little compared to some of you, but it
feels like a lot to me as it just takes a ridiculous amount of
motivation for me to go downstairs or get dressed and little things
like that. I work 2 mornings a week in a school, and even though its
only 3 hours a morning it is hard work a) because I am surrounded by
6/7 year olds, and b) because I have to put on my happy cheerful act
which is hard work when I am feeling like ***. Same applies to my
dance classes - I have 3 a week and again I have to just pretend to be
fine and happy and it is very draining. Even at home I have to keep up
the act if anyone is about, as I live with my mum and she doesn't
understand and I don't want to worry her. Then lately I have had lots
of auditions, and I have more coming up - got one on friday, and then
2 next week, and I had 2 last week and 1 the week before that. I don't
want to do any of it - work, dance, auditions. It just all feels too
much. I just want to stay in my bed and not go anywhere or see anyone
or have to pretend anything. I just want to die, and although it may
sound odd my coping mechanism is generally to do as little as possible
so I feel less pressured - the whole keeping busy thing just doesn't
work for me. So yeah, I feel really stressed, really suicidal, don't
want to go to work in the morning, don't want to go to the audition
friday or my dance class friday night or my singing lesson saturday. I
just want to curl up in a ball and die. I wish I could die without
upsetting anyone. I wish there was a way of erasing peoples memories
so that I had never existed. Then I could die without feeling guilty.
It all just feels too much, I want everything to stop.
Sorry for rambling, it probably didn't even make sense
.

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