Re: help - feeling psychotic SPOILER


"kez" <kelseylewis@xxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote in message
news:40c3abF18s9j5U1@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>I just killed one of my voices. Another voice said I'd just taken a human
>life. Images of people somewhere suddenly dropping dead go through my head.
>
> I don't know how I killed this one, with some kind of death-prayer
> perhaps. I've been getting holy again, which could be good or could be
> bad. Last week I went out with my mate Jamie who thinks he's Jesus when he
> gets drunk and we were both blessing people. I'm nagging myself that it's
> bad but at the same time I feel brilliant to have some faith again and
> want to get out my bibles and prayer books and read them again.
>
> I told my voices last Friday "I'll shoot you full of god" and low and
> behold I had a gun and I got them with perfectly aimed head shots. One of
> my voices couldn't take it and when I spoke to her to admonish her for her
> evil she went completely insane and catatonic and she hasn't spoken since.
> I'm sure she can only now speak gobbledegook and babble inanely about
> rubbish while pacing around and banging her head on walls and stuff now.
> She's gone!
>
> Last night I prayed for a gun to shoot my voices and then shot them all -
> blessed peace and quiet! But my other voices, my friend voices were
> concerned and told me it was bad to kill people.
>
> I can't get out of this it is going on. I know they're only hallunination
> people but it's like they're real people and I'm fighting them because
> they are evil.
>
> Earlier tonight they were battering at me with questions while I did some
> soul-searching, and when I concluded it was vanity of mine, a voice said
> "vani-bleuurghhhhh" and they all started vomitting. It was real possesed
> by evil exorcist stuff, it was like the sickness and evil was spewing from
> them. I wondered what would happen to them and thought they would surely
> either perish, or would be like newborn children again once their
> uncontrollable vomitting caused by their own evil had run it's course
>
> Of course I know this stuff isn't proper and there's no way I could tell
> anyone any of this. I couldn't even start to tell my shrink or CPN about
> this. I just say "yeah I head some voices, but they went away and I'm OK
> now"
>
> My CPN has devised a voice scale for me, from 1 to 4. This is about 2 I
> guess. It's even improved since a few weeks ago when I was getting really
> involved with them. But killing them? Am I a psychopath now? And am I
> turning into a psychotic fanatic christian again? That is surely a one way
> ticket to the psych unit for another mental health detox!
>
> I'm worried!
>

Kez,

If i knew the right thing to say, you know i'd say it, right?

What little advice i can offer is to not to try and control everything
little thing that happens. Try to get yourself into a 'space' - both
physical and psychological - in which you feel free to just relax control of
your personality completely and simply accept whatever happens without fear
and without feeling you have to stop what is happening from happening.

There are techniques you can use to help this process. I find relaxing
music helps tremendously, as well as repetitive, mind-numbing activities
like windows solitaire (from my own experiences, this seems to have the
effect of transfixing the concious mind on an outside stimulus, thus
allowing whatever is happening in your own head to happen without undue
concern).

Please bear in mind that what goes on inside your head is just thinking. It
does not matter - no thought is worthy of either praise or blame; no thought
should evoke either pride or guilt. There's nothing wrong with thinking
about killing real people, so i hope you can see for yourself that 'killing'
one's voices means very little, even though subjectively it may seem like
quite a big deal to you right now.

I hope you're feeling better soon, dude, truly i do.

And i hope i haven't made things awkward for you on ASS by telling Daniel
that time you've killfiled his ass. When you told me he is "mr
thick-skinned" i seem to have taken that as a personal challenge to see how
far i could push him (in the nicest possible way, of course).

But if i put you in an uncomfortable position at all, allow me to say that
i'm very sorry and wish you'd come back to us: ASS is very much a smaller
place for your absence.

Sorry you're feeling so bad right now, dude, and i'm sorry for making such
an ass of myself on ASS.


Best regards - and feel better soon,

T.

>
> -- kez
>
>


.

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