Re: Dont want to abondon friend but difficult to cope


"B." <b@xxxxxxxx> wrote in message
news:bN94f.1620$QP6.1610@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
> nobody/monkfish/no one wrote:
>> If she insists on her interpretation of your actions, you insist on your
>> own.
>
> This is usually the point the circular arguments start, the more I insist
> I am right the more she gets bored of me going on to the point were she
> feels she is being bullied.
>

Circular arguments can arise whenever there is a conflict of opinion - and
that's all any of us know of reality, an opinion. I think it's up to you to
draw the line when you get into this kind of situation with her. State your
position decisively, and then pursue the matter no further, refusing to get
drawn into another argument. When you argue, chances are she digs further
and further into an entrenched position to stave off the attack and protect
her opinion. The more you aruge with her, in other words, the less likely
you will change her mind.

Instead, set clear boundaries and she will leave her position to test them
herself.

>>Tell her you won't mess her around and that you'll always be completely
>>straight with her. If she asks for reassurances that you are to be
>>trusted, that what you say is true, give as many as she needs.
>
> This I hevent done partly because she doesnt seem to even think at this
> moment I can be trusted.
>

TELL her she can trust you; tell her you're not like the others who have let
her down in the past, tell her you'll always be honest, even if that means
hurting her feelings sometimes. But also tell her what you need from her.
Make her aware of her responsibilities to you. Just as important as
refuting the wrong things she believes is replacing them with an accurate
picture of where her real duties reside, as well as her capacity to harm
those around her with her accusations.

>> In short, the best way to help her is to be there for her - solid,
>> reliable, dependable, unyielding, always ready to refute whatever
>> accusations she may make, inasmuch as they are untrue.
>
> I try to.
>
>>
>> I imagine for the other person - in this case you - it must be quite a
>> draining enterprise, but i can assure you she will be soooooo thankful
>> she has finally met someone she can rely on.
>
>
> Ive felt better the last few days, posting here as helped. I have
> sometimes taken things too personally i.e I should refute untruths but not
> get angry,upset etc.
>

In that case, continue to post, sir.

But you have to bear in mind at all times that her paranoia is not a
personal attack on you or a slight against your character. When i get
paranoid myself, i tend to interpret the environment taking myself as the
sole reference point. Someone walking behind me is interpretted as someone
following me, someone standing at the window is watching me . . .

We all tend to do it to one extent or another but it becomes unnaturally
heightened in the paranoid, to the extent that the other person loses their
place in the paranoid's world.

In other words, your friend is so focused on what she is thinking/feeling,
she is out of touch with the concrete reality you have as an individual.
Everything you or anyone else does only has this extra layer of personal
significance for her. You may shift position in your seat because your bum
is going to sleep, but as far as she is concerned, this movement betrays
sinister intentions on your part.

The best way to work against this is to remind her when she starts making
accusations against you that you have your own life and your own concerns,
and that you act according to your own experience, as part of your own life,
not as a part of some plot against her, for example. But remember, state
your case, then refuse to get drawn into another pointless argument.

You have to impress on her as strongly as possible the simple fact that the
world does not revolve around her, and then make sure this is true by
refusing to 'protect' her from reality.

>
>> In such cases as yours, however, what you really need is your own support
>> network - people to keep /you/ sane.
>
> Agreed
>
>
>> I hope this is of some help . . .
> Yes, thanks. I just wish there were more support for people with serious
> mental health problems,
> its just to much of a postcode lottery at the moment
>
> B.
>

Let me just say at the end here that people like me must make it very hard
on people like you. I have written these posts in part as a 'thank you'
note to those people who have helped me in the past - and continue to help
me - by doing exactly what i attempt to describe here, whether or not they
realize themselves who they are and what it is they do to help.

As i said before, i hope this helps. Feel free to come back if you need
further assistance or have any other questions.


.

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