Re: Maybe writing this will help me make sense of it. Help would be appreciated

.....so anyway, I went to see my mum and sister out of the usual sense of
guilt and duty, and was bowling back down the motorway feeling quite good.
Very good, actually, I felt the mists were clearing and that there was some
hope. I had decided that I might just stop worrying and try and live
separately from her. Then my mood changed further and for the first time, (I
think) ever, the list of problems I had typed out (two pages) for my CPN
didn't seem so insurmountable. Stranger, I felt that there were many things
on it that CBT would work on. Nothing ever seemed appropriate for the CBT
treatment before.

I drove faster and faster, streaking down the outside lane at up to 90MPH.
Not dangerously, but I mention it because my normal acute phobic anxiety (15
years and still normally strong) which kept me in the slow lane with the
lorries and the safety of the hard shoulder seemed to have lifted.

So I got home in time to be there for the kids coming home, and the little
one agreed to empty the dishwasher (a shouted instruction when she left for
work in the morning and which I had forgotten to do) and the other lad and I
went to the tip and unloaded the estate car of all the crap I had extracted
from the garage at the weekend. (I actually DID SOMETHING PRACTICAL!).
Ooops, one more thing, she also wanted some milk. Came back via Tesco, and
also got some bits and pieces and particularly a couple of pizzas so that
her second day of work would at least end by coming home to a cooked tea.

So she came home an hour early, oddly, and pointed out that I hadn't put the
plates and cutlery on the worktops into the machine. JEEEEESUS!!!! I said,
isn't that just fucking TYPICAL!!!! The one FUCKING thing I didn't have time
to complete is the very fucking thing she picks up on to complain about. And
she had defrosted a load of fish, which had to be eaten that day. So the
thoughtful gesture of cooking tea was binned.

I went into the study and put my head in my hands and rocked gently. After a
while she came in and said yes, she had reacted a bit unfairly, and she was
sorry. So I asked her to sit down so we could have a chat.

I told her about my big revelation on the motorway about CBT and the mists
clearing, and how I was sick of being depressed and on pills, and how I
believed I now understood that the only person who could help me was me. I
sobbed uncontrollably and genuinely. I explained my emerging vision of us
stopping all the crap about divorcing and house selling. (Having discovered
by accident that she was asking an estate agent acquaintance to value the
house, I suggested that we have the house valued. She said she didn't see
any point).

We both cried and talked for half an hour and I felt better. She was quite
friendly and we all had a giggle during tea.

Instead of my usual habit of taking my ADs at 8pm and heading off to my room
and oblivion, I stayed off the sherbert, sat up and watched a programme with
the whole family, made funny comments and did everything I could to be nice
and normal. Maybe acting normal is the same as being normal?

Eventually she went up to her room. I popped in a while later to say
goodnight and to suggest, by way of avoiding mistakes, that I did sometimes
want to just be quiet and not talk and that wasn't the same as sulking. We
said nighty-night and I went to bed. A hush descended on the whole house.
This, I thought, felt different and good. Maybe I had snapped out of the
'depression'. Certainly I felt that there was still a thick coat of anxiety
between me and the world. But maybe it wasn't depression all the time? I
vowed to ask her the next day to let me know when I do things wrong, so I
can learn which thoughts are 'depressed me' and which are just thoughtless.

Today I found that in an email to her friend, she grudgingly referred to my
'Road to Damascus' revelation, ("Let's see how long THAT lasts, <sneer>) and
told her that she had gone into the estate agents on her way home the
previous evening (remember I suggested we get the house valued, as she was
secretly planning and she again said no?) and had arranged for it to be
valued tomorrow as a 'drive by' price guide. "Under no circumstances was I
to find out... the agent said she fully understood madam"

I rang my CPN and asked her if I might qualify for some sort of respite
break so I can get three or four days away from home. I seem to swing from
one mood to another. But in light of this business over the house valuation,
and her unwillingness to accept my cue for her to get out of it or avoid
lying, she opted not to. I believe I am going mad. There is only so much I
can take. I am not going to mention it or suggest that I saw her leaving the
estate agency yesterday afternoon when she said she was at work miles away.
I am aware that it might be a planted story to see if I am reading her
emails. Does that make me sound paranoid, or do you think it might be a
valid point?

Am I going mad, or getting better? I am certainly watching out for a grey
estate car with a man in a suit looking closely at the house and maybe
taking photos. I will hopefully catch him and invite him in, pretending I
knew C wanted it valued... That would be fun.

Unfortunately, his mother in law lives next door and is the local gossip.
The neighbours will all know that I am an abusive, horrid depressive and
that poor C is having a terrible time and is planning to leave me, with the
children. That should attract a friendly wave or two when I am out washing
the car.

Maybe she has also mentioned that I'm a disgusting, sick, perverted
transvestite. "My god, you poor lamb. How did you possibly stay with the
beast for so long?" "Because he makes £70 grand in a good year and when he's
not depressed he is hilariously funny and thoughtful and great with the
kids..."? And he doesn't seem to mind too much that I don't want sex again.
(*** he doesn't. But I am not begging her to let me worship at her altar!).

My current plan if this all pans out as it looks like it's going to, is to
find a room in a house somewhere with someone who's not too bothered about
me paying rent for a while, and where there's a broadband connection for my
work. I will almost certainly re-emerge as 'Good ol' Steve' a good bloke,
caring, sometimes a bit quiet, but a good mate. If the house is owned by a
kind lady, we might become an item or at least support each other and share
companionship and the odd shag into our old age. (Serious offers please.
South coast preferred. I'll pay my way in other ways.)

Fantasy time again. I AM nuts, aren't I?




Steve
>>>
>>> Fancy doing a bit of counselling on the south coast if you have time?
>>> Name your hourly rate... Damn, but you're good.
>>
>> <blush> I know.... :-)))
>> I've snipped a few lines here and there to save bandwidth,
>> hope that's ok.
>>
>>>> Being together all the time is Not Good.
>>>> Any chance your wife could get a job?
>>
>>> She has started temping today (at a solicitor's, strangely enough) but
>>> was advised by her friend at the employment agency not to go perm as she
>>> won't get legal aid. What, and I will?!!
>>
>> I know. Sickening. My elder son went through the same. I
>> take it your kids are back at school? Might that lessen tensions?
>> Much as we love our kids, school holidays are killers! <feelingly>
>>
>>>> Could either of you move out temporarily, to get a break?
>>>
>>> A good idea, but I don't have any useful mates or relatives. Not out of
>>> the question otherwise.
>>
>> I meant for her really, I suppose.
>> I would try not to move out yourself, or you might never get back in...
>> And as she's got so many pals, surely someone would help her?
>>>
>>>> Is it feasible to buy two seperate homes?
>>>
>>> Nope.
>>
>> Stay where you are.
>>
>>>> Would she be willing to discuss how to do this rationally?
>>> I think she'd listen then ask her 'team of advisers' what they thought
>>> she should do.
>>
>> <sigh> still, you've got your own team of advisers now. Us.
>>
>> [sleep apnoea]
>>> A secret area between me and my dentist these days...! I did have the
>>> PPP (?) operation 10 years ago and they took em out along with all other
>>> onsite rubbish. Reduced snores for five years then stopped working. CPAP
>>> does the job but sexy it ain't.
>>
>> No....but sex ain't everything. Or anything, to me. I'm like Boy George -
>> prefer a nice cup of tea....
>>
>>>>> We had sex on my birthday in April. I knew we would, and it felt like
>>>>> being rewarded for being good. It was so demeaning.
>>
>>> Yup. Fraid so. ADs also kill the 'final ability' but not the desire or
>>> the visual effect. So I rely on pickpockets for my fun these days.
>>
>> <G> Have you told your doc this? Some AD's are better than others
>> for that, for men, I've been told.
>>
>>>> It still comes back to talking it through though, doesn't it? Is an
>>>> actual divorce, rather than a seperation
>>>> so very important at this stage?
>>>
>>> Dunno. Interesting point...
>>
>> Worth a lot of thought.
>> Another worry - did I spell seperation right?
>> I have a lot of trouble with that word.....
>>
>> >> Would she be willing to split the house money down the middle?
>>>
>>> Not if the Greek chorus told her not to.
>>
>> Oh dear. I take it they're all happily married?
>> Thought not.
>>
>>> We started our love affair by writing long letters. I could do it. But I
>>> know she would e-mail them to all her friends to show them what the
>>> dickhead's saying now...
>>
>> ***. Handwrite it, and show it to her personally?
>> Take it back once written? Just a thought.
>> Read it out to her? If she passes all that on, then bugger her.
>> This is personal stuff and not to be shared with pals.
>>
>>> Some good ideas here. Do you have another name that sounds less
>>> offensive?
>>
>> Oh yes. :-))) Gorgeous, beautiful.....all of them.....
>> Hoy - what's so offensive about stodge?
>> I love stodge.....creamy puddings and apple dumplings....mmmm
>>
>>> I'm SO on the edge, I have never felt like this. If I could just decide
>>> on a direction to take, I would do it. That's why something definite
>>> like giving in and selling up sounds attractive.
>>
>> Yes, I can see it would. But I'm also thinking ..
>> 'Talk to the bloody woman!!' Have a screaming argument if necessary...
>> Make each others feelings really known. You might both get a better idea
>> of
>> what you really want to do.
>> Make sure the kids are out of earshot.
>> Anger is a lot more positive than misery.
>>
>>> I don't know whether I should ask for another Psych. She's a bit crap
>>> but apparently she's the best at the local NHS Trust. Not much into
>>> bedside manner, and really attacks spouses who come in with ideas.!
>>
>> But she at least asked you for your ideas about your own medication.
>> I'd love a Psych like that!
>> I'd start writing a list now....
>>
>>> (Sorry for all the typing errors - new keyboard takes some time to adapt
>>> to.)
>>
>> Haven't seen any so far....will immediately flame you if I see any....
>> :-))))
>> Ignore my typos of course...
>>
>>> One terrible last thought... is it possible that she could be the cause
>>> of my depression? It seems mean to say it, but I'm beginning to wonder.
>>> started getting really depressed about 6 months after we started living
>>> together and there are aspects of her I have never liked. She no doubt
>>> feels the same to me.
>>
>> First thought that struck me, actually....
>> Needs looking into.
>>
>>> God let me win the lottery this week so I can find out... I'll give half
>>> of it to saving kittens...
>>
>> Please God let me win the lottery too.....bugger the kittens,
>> I'll keep it all... :-)))
>>
>> Stodge.
>>
>>
>
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