My future is in tatters.... :(

Hi,

Let me introduce myself, I am a 19 yr old student that is currently in
his gap year. I have just finished doing a years A-level in
mathematics. I am self taught.
In addition to this, I have 3 A-levels in biology, ICT and English, of
which I had taken in my old sixth form. For my original A-level's, I
had got a CCD overall. I am hoping to do a degree in Software
Engineering at a couple of prestigious universities providing I get the
grades required to get in. My firm/insurance choices expect me to get
an "AA" or an "AB" respectively before my conditional offer will be
confirmed. The A being in mathematics and the A/or B being in Biology.
Unfortunantly, for me it seems as though I will not pass A-level
Mathematics this year due to a lack of mathematical ability -I may end
up with an E/U overall. It comes as a massive shock to the system,
primarily because I've worked extremely hard by being consistant
throughout the year by doing mathematics everyday for 3-4 hours a day.
My difficulties in the subject were mainly caused by the fact that I
found it very difficult to develop the flair needed for all 6 modules
in the space of a year (it is originally a 2 year course but I did it
in one). Two of my modules were physics based, whereas the other four
were pure mathematics, so in order to do well, every examination
required me to know every concept in that module inside out. As the
examinations test you on the most hardest aspacts of the syllabus. This
was very difficult to achieve, because despite my best efforts, during
the year I found that once I had learnt a module inside out, the
later/physics modules had little relationship with the earlier modules
in terms of content.
So often I would find that most of my time was spent going over old
concepts, as I would forget earlier concepts due to not having the
chance in applying them in the later modules. This left me in a
predicament, because in order to develop the level of flair needed to
do well in the later modules, the examiners expect you to know every
single concept inside out. Otherwise you could end up doing poorly as
the examiners love to combine different mathematical topics together.
So for me to develop that level of flair needed was hard to achieve as
I was working to a tight schedule and had about 100+ different
mathematical topics to remember that spanned over 6 modules.

In short it was a frustrating experience.

Now that my examinations are over, and the summer is in full swing I
have hit an all time low. Even though my results have not yet come out
I am convinced that I have failed the subject completely. Mainly
because the latter part of the course was just too difficult to be
slick at in such a short period of time. Mathematics unlike written
subjects (which I am natrually good at) is difficult because you have
to be very accurate, if you don't know the answer then you are stuffed.
Whereas with english based subjects you could get a high grade by being
opinionated and arguementative.

The psychological affects for contemplating failure has had its strain.
I have found that I've become much more recluse to the point that going
out and seeing my friends has become such a chore. I feel like such a
loser in short, gutted at the fact that I might have thrown away my
opportunity to goto a University of my choice. On top of that, I feel
hard done for, primarily due to the fact that I have worked so hard,
and was zealous about mathematics. Yet, ironically I am on the brink of
failure. I still am zealous about the subject, but I am just so upset
with the way things are turning out that any desire to do it is just
reminding me of my failure. What worries me even more, is that if I
don't pass mathematics decently I could end up not getting into a
computer orientated degree or may have to end up going to a relatively
poor university to get onto one. Hence therefore, I would be spending
20k by the end of it on a degree that may not get me into the major
companies that I would like to work for. As they would probably hire
more qualified applicants with a better academic background if given
the choice. I guess what frustrates me the most is that regardless of
what my grade is at the end of it all, I was genuinely very competant
at the subject, I had strong areas and I had weak areas in every
module, my weak areas just needed time and more familiarity with
mathematics in order to become slick, so given the time constraints,
and the back and forthing between modules it was hard to strengthen
them to the level the examiners want them.

The physical affects that this has caused me are sleepless nights.
Weight loss due to extreme anxiety and a loss of interest to do any
exercise/or mental activity (which I used to do).

I have, if worse comes to worse thought of solutions to my predicament.
One being clearing, the other is to study Politics and History at a
college in a year and then re-applying next year to universities of my
choice for a politics/history or philosiphy degree. As I have from a
very early age been very interested in those areas of study, yet have
never presued those areas of study due to my life long dream in going
into Software Engineering. I am, however very afraid of doing this,
because I am scared of failure. Any confidence in my ability has been
destroyed this year.

I am confused and wish that I can get my life back on track, but I feel
as though I am going down a downhill spiral.

Thanks for reading and your thoughts will be much appreciated.

.

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