Grimes' New Hat.

"Sammywell, has ta seen Swindle latly?"

"Nay, Mally, aw havn't seen him for a matter ov two or three wick."

"Well, aw wish tha'd been at chapel yesterdy mornin."

"Wor ther summat extra like."

"Eah, ther wor summat extra; an summat at wod ha made thee oppen thi
e'en. Aw wor nivver so surprised i' mi life. Swindle an his wife wor
thear,--an tho' it isn't oft aw tak noatice o' fowk, aw couldn't help
dooin soa, an it wor a treeat to see em."

"Aw can believe thi weel enuff; ther's net monny wimmen as hansome as
Mistress Swindle."

"Awm not tawkin abaat Mistress Swindle; tha knows better nor that, awd
like to know what ther is hansome abaat her? Shoo's noa style abaat her.
Shoo's a gurt brussen thing! But Swindle is a gooid-lukkin chap, an awm
sewer onnybody could ha mistakken him for a real gentleman. He'd a grand
suit o' clooas on, as hansome as onny man need wear at his wife's
funeral, an noa sign o' muck under his fingernails, an he'd a silk top
hat on at shane like a lukkin glass!"

"Why, what bi that? Aw've a silk top hat, but aw nivver wear it."

"Noa, an tha nivver will wear it, unless tha walks aght bi thisen! It
isn't fit to be seen at a hen race. Aw wodn't be seen walkin aght wi thi
wi sich a thing on thi heead. But aw meean thi to ha one an aw'll pay
for it aght o' mi own pocket, but aw'll goa wi' thi to buy it, for if
tha went bi thisen tha'd let em shove onny sooart ov a oldfashioned
thing onto thi, but they'll find they've a different body to deal wi
when awm thear."

"It's varry gooid o' thee, Mally, to offer to buy me a new hat, but aw
railly dooant want one. Yond hat o' mine is as gooid as new for aw
havn't had it on a duzzen times. Tha knows aw nivver wear it nobbut when
aw goa to th' chapel. It isn't aboon twelve month sin aw gave ten
shilling for it."

"It's soa much bigger shame for thi to tell it. It shows ha oft tha goes
to a place o' worship. A fine example tha sets to Jerrymier an th' rest
o' thi gron-childer. But awd have thee to know at tha'rt net as young as
tha used to be, an its abaat time tha wor thinkin o' thi latter end. Tha
may be deead an burried befoor long an tha owt to prepare."

"Why, tha sewerly doesn't meean to bury me in a silk hat?"

"Noa, aw dooant think awst ivver have th' luck to bury thi at all! But
aw want thi to begin an goa to th' chapel reglar, an let Mistress
Swindle see at her husband isn't th' only one at can turn aght like a
gentleman."

"Tha'll be like to pleeas thisen abaat it, but aw thowt it wor me tha
wor praad on an net mi hat."

"Tha gets some strange nooations into thi heead, Sammywell. If ther's
owt abaat thi for onny woman to be praad on awm sewer aw dooant know
whear it is. But as sooin as tha's finished thi pipe aw want thi to get
shaved, an put on thi best Sundy suit an goa wi me into Westgate an get
a new hat--one o'th best ther is i'th shop, if it taks all th' brass aw
have i' mi pocket. Aw'll let Mistress Swindle see at shoo connot crow
ovver me!"

Soa Sammywell went aght to be shaved, an Mally began to get ready to goa
wi him, as sooin as he should be all fixed up to suit her.

"Nah, Sammywell," sed Mally, as sooin as they wor ready to set off, "Aw
dunnot want thee to say a word when we get to th' shop. Aw'll do what
tawkin has to be done, an if aw connot get thee a better hat nor that
tha has on thi heead, and one to seem thi better, aw shall know th'
reason why. Aw can hardly fashion to walk daan th' street wi thi, but it
isn't varry far an we happen shalln't meet onnybody we know."

When they walked into th' shop, Mally went up to th' caanter and sed,
"Young man,--aw want to buy a new silk top hat, latest fashion, best
quality, price noa object, if its under ten shillin, to suit this
elderly gentleman, an luk sharp abaat it, for we're prepared to pay
ready brass."

"Certainly, maam," an he sooin had two or three ready for him to try on.
"How will this suit?--latest style."

"That willn't do at all. It maks him luk like a pill doctor. He wants a
chapel-gooin hat."

"Well, here's the very thing. Just the style for an old man."

"Then aw dooant want it! He's net an old man! He's noa older nor yo'll
be if yo live as long. Why, that maks him luk like a local praicher aght
o' wark!"

"How will this suit? This style is very much worn."

"Aw dooant want one at's been worn. Noa second hand hats for me."

Th' shopman didn't loise his patience, but tried one after another wol
th' caanter wor piled up wi hats, but nooan on em suited.

"Aw dooant know ha it is," sed Mally, "a big shop like this an cant get
a daycent lukkin hat! Awm sewer there must be one if onnybody'd sense to
find it. Here's one, try this."

Sammywell put it on. "That's the ticket! That luks like summat! Aw knew
aw could find one! Ha does it feel? Is it comfortable?" an shoo twisted
it to one side and then twisted it back agean. "Nah, what do yo want for
that,--an remember,--ready brass?"

"I cannot charge for that, because that's the hat he came in."

"Is that soa, Sammywell?"

"Eah, this is my own hat."

"Why, then, its what aw've tell'd thi monny a time,--its thee at doesn't
know ha to put it on. Th' hat ails nowt if ther wor some sense i'th
heead. Tha couldn't have a better. Its a blessin aw coomed wi thi or
else tha'd just ha thrown ten shillin away. Awm varry mich obliged to
yo, young man, for all th' trubble yo've takken to suit him, an aw
hardly like to goa aght withaat buyin summat. Yo happen dooant have onny
pooastage stamps?"

"Oh, yes."

"Then yo can let me have threehaupoth."

"Certainly shall I send them?"

"Nay, awm nooan to praad to hug mi own bundles. Gooid afternooin."

"Good afternoon, Mrs. Grimes, glad to serve you at any time."

"He's a varry civil chap is yond. Be sewer Sammywell tha allus gooas to
his shop when tha wants a pooastage stamp."
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