Sammywell Sweeps th' Chimley.

"Tha'rt booan idle, Sammywell, that's what's th' matter wi' thee!"

"Mally, tha knows tha doesn't spaik trewth when tha says sich a thing;
for aw havn't a lazy booan i' mi skin an nivver had! Aw'll admit ther
are times when aw should be thankful for a bit ov a rest, but ther's no
rest whear tha art, tha taks care o' that."

"Rest! It'll be time enuff to tawk abaat rest when tha's done summat!
Th' hardest wark tha ivver does is aitin an drinkin, an tha does'nt hawf
chew thi mait as tha should. When do aw get onny rest? Con ta tell me
that?"

"Nay, aw connot. Aw wish aw could; but tha knows 'ther's noa rest for
the wicked,' soa what can ta expect."

"Dooant let me hev onny o' thy back-handed tawk or aw'll let thee see
whear th' wickedness comes in! Are ta baan to goa an see after a Sweep
to come to this chimley, or are we to be smoored an have all th' bits o'
furnitur ruinated?"

"Aw'll fotch thee hawf-a-duzzen sweeps if tha wants em, but why the
dickens could'nt ta say what tha wanted asteead o' startin blaghardin
me?"

"Aw dooant want hawf-a-duzzen sweeps;--one'll be enuff for what ther is
to do, an aw shouldn't want one at all if awd a felly 'at wor worth his
salt, but tha can do nowt. Whativver sich shiftless fowk wor created for
licks me!"

"Why tha doesn't think ivverybody should be born sweeps, does ta?"

"Noa, ther's noa need for that. But when a chap isn't clivver enuff to
be a sweep, he owt still to have sense enuff to luk for one when ther's
one wanted. But aw know one thing, an that is, aw'll put on mi things,
an set off an leeav thi to it, an tha can awther sweep it, or get it
swept, or caar ith' haase wol tha gets sufficated, soa tha knows!"

An wi that, Mally went upstairs to get don'd, leavin Sammywell to mak
th' best he could on it. In a varry few minnits, shoo wor daan agean, an
flingin a shillin on th' table shoo sed, "Thear's th' brass to pay th'
sweep if tha gets one, and be sewer to tell him net to mak onny moor
muck nor he can help, an aw'll cleean an fettle all up ith' mornin; an
if tha wants owt to ait, tha knows whear it is, an as for owt to sup,
tha'rt better baght, an tha knows tha spends sadly to mich," an away
shoo went.

Sammywell set varry quiet for a minnit or two, studyin things, an then
he sed, "Ho! Soa that's it! Well, we shall see! Shoo's left a shillin
for th' sweep but nowt for me. Varry gooid.--Then it just comes to
this;--If aw fotch a sweep, he gets th' shillin an aw sit drymaath, but
if aw sweep it misen aw'st have a shillin to spend, soa here gooas!" an
he seized th' pooaker an varry sooin had th' foir scaled aght.

"Aw dooant think it'll tak me aboon five minnits when aw start, an if aw
dooant mak sich a gooid job on it shoo'll nivver know unless shoo gooas
up to see, an' if shoo tries that trick it's sewer to be weel swept
bith' time shoo comes daan agean," an he put on his hat an went aght,
lockin' th' door after him.

Wol he wor suppin his second two penoth, who should come in but his old
chum Parker.

"Halloa, Sammy!" he sed, "What's up? Aw've just met th' mistress and
shoo sed shoo'd left thee at hooam, varry thrang."

"Did shoo? Well, tha sees aw havn't started yet, but aw'st ha to mak a
beginnin varry sooin, tho aw must say its a job at's a bit aght o' my
line."

"Why, whativver is it?"

"Its nobbut th' chimley wants sweepin, an aw doant fairly know ha to set
abaat it."

"Oh, if that's all, aw can tell thi ha to manage that. It willn't tak
thi aboon five minnits."

"Thar't just th' chap aw wanted to see. Call for twopenoth for thisen an
then tell me ha to goa on."

Parker didn't need axin twice, an when he'd getten it, he sed,

"Tha doesn't keep hens, does ta?"

"Noa, aw keep nowt but Mally an misen, an awr Hepsabah's childer th'
mooast oth' time."

"Well, but some oth' naybors do; an tha could borrow one for a few
minnits. A gooid old *** wod be th' best."

"Eeah, aw could get one at belangs th' chap at lives th' next door but
one. They're all off at their wark but aw could get one aght o' their
yard withaat axin."

"Well, then, its easy enuff. All tha wants is a long piece o' string, an
a stooan teed at one end. Then tha mun get on top oth' haase an drop th'
stooan daan th' chimley, an it'll roll daan into th' foir-grate,--then
tee tother end oth' string to chicken's legs, and shove it, tail furst,
daan th' chimley pot, an then goa into th' haase an pool it daan th'
flue, an all th' sooit will come wi it, an it'll be a cleeaner job nor
if all th' sweeps ith' taan had been at it."

"Bith' heart! Parker, aw'st nivver ha thowt o' that. Aw'll goa an do it
at once. Aw could do wi a job like this ivvery day ith' wick."

Sammywell went hooam i' famous glee. He sooin gate some string an teed a
nice cobble stooan to th' end on it, an then he gate up onto th'
wesh-haase an easily climb'd onto th' thack. He made sewer which wor th'
reight chimley pot and dropt th' stooan daan as Parker had tell'd him an
daan it went till he could hear it rattle ith' empty foir-grate quite
plainly, an then he went daan agean to get th' chicken.

It couldn't ha happened better, for thear wor th' old ***--a girt big
white en,--carr'd up in a corner whear th' sun wor shinin, fast asleep.
Sammywell had it under his arm in a twinklin, but it wornt quite as easy
gettin up on th' thack agean, but he managed it, an after a deeal o'
flutterin an squawkin, he teed it fast to tother end oth' string. But
shovin it daan th' Chimney pot wor noa easy matter, for it wor a varry
tight fit. Daan he went agean, as fast as he could, an as sooin as he
gate into th' haase he began to pull.

My! but it wor a job! For a varry long time he couldn't stir it, but at
last he felt it wor commin, an then th' sooit began to roll daan i'
claads an he wor ommost smoored, but ther wor nowt for it but to keep
poolin at it even if he wor burried under it.

It wor a varry unfortnat curcumstance at th' woman Mally had gooan to
see should be away throo hooam, for it caused her to turn back, thinkin
to hersen, at after all it wod happen be better for her to be at hooam
to superintend things if Sammywell had getten a sweep,--an shoo just
oppened th' door at th' same instant as th' *** flew into th' kitchen.
Shoo couldn't see Sammywell, for th' place wor full o' sooit, but shoo
could hear summat flyin raand, makkin a moast awful din, an pots an tins
smashin abaat i' all directions.

Th' owd ***, seein th' door oppen, flew aght, catchin poor Mally fair
ith' face wi' its wings as it passed, an sendin her onto her back ith'
gutter, wi' her bonnet off, an her face blackened like a female christy
minstrel!

Th' woman 'at lived opposite wor hingin aght some clooas, an th' ***
tried to fly ovver 'em, but th' string bein fast to its legs, browt it
daan fair i'th' middle on 'em, an what wi' th' din th' *** made, an th'
skrikes shoo made--for shoo thowt for sewer it wor th' owd dule
hissen--an Mally's grooans, it sooin browt aght Hepsabah an all th'
naybors, an it worn't till a poleeceman coom at onnybody could tell what
wor to do.

Ov coarse, th' furst thing th' poleeceman did wor to arrest Mally for
bein drunk an disorderly, an ther's noa daat shoo lukt it; an then they
all made a rush to th' haase, for th' sooit wor rollin aght oth' door as
if th' place wor afire. Sittin on th' floor, ith' middle ov a cart looad
o' sooit, wor a poor human crayter, coffin an spittin,--(an some sed,
swearin,) an when he wor browt into th' dayleet, it wor Sammywell.

As sooin as he could get his breeath, he started to shak hissen,--when
th' woman 'at belanged th' clooas hit him on th' heead wi a prop, an wod
ha done moor but Mally interfered. When th' scare wor ovver, th' naybor
wimmen did nowt but laff, an Sammywell and Mally went into th' haase an
shut th' door.

"Whativver has ta been doing?" axt Mally.

"Aw've been sweepin th' chimley," sed Sammywell.

"An a bonny job tha's made on it. If tha can find onny sooap an watter
onnywhear, goa and gie thisen a gooid swill an then change thi' clooas,
an leeav me to tackle this mess. Aw dooant blame thee a bit moor nor aw
blame misen, for knowin what a fooil tha art, and what a mullock tha
allus maks ov ivverything tha offers to do, aw owt to ha had moor sense
nor mention sich a thing to thi."

Sammywell thowt th' less he sed an th' better, an he went at once to do
as he wor tell'd. He wor as anxious to get away as shoo wor to be shut
on him, an as he wor gooin aght, Mally sed,--

"Whear are ta gooin an what are ta gooin to do?"

"Awm gooin to a funeral befoor tha sees me agean."

"Aw didn't know onnybody wor deead. Who's funeral will it be?"

"Parker's."
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