Hepsabah's Hat.

"Some fowk are nivver satisfied! Aw've noa patience wi' sich like! Th'
moor some fowk have an th' moor they want. Ther wor noa sich stinkin
pride when aw wor young; but young folk nah dooant know what ails em.
When aw wor a lass it wor thowt to be quite enuff if one wor plainly an
respectably donned, an if they had onny pride, it wor to know at ther
underclooas wor cleean an sweet an fit to be seen, but nah it's all top
finery an fluff they think abaat; but if they'd darn ther stockins an
wesh ther shifts a bit ofter, asteead o' wantin to spooart new gaons an
hats ivvery few days it ud seem em better. At onnyrate, them's my
sentiments."

"Why, Mally lass, what's set thi off agean? Has somdy been sayin at tha
doesn't darn thi stockins an keep thi clooas cleean?"

"Noa ther hasn't, an tha knows nubdy could ivver say such a thing abaat
me. It's awr Hepsabah at's started me, if tha wants to know!"

"What's shoo been up to agean? Sewerly tha's moor sense not to tak
nooatice o' owt shoo says."

"Aw connot help bein worritted when shoo's put abaght, an shoo's full o'
trubble,--an aw connot say at aw wonder at it."

"Why if th' lass is full o' trubble shoo's to be sympathised wi. Has her
husband come hooam druffen or what?"

"Tha knows better nor that! Her husband has summat else to do wi his
brass nor to teem it daan his throit. He's net like some fowk as aw
could mention. But tha knows they've hard to scrat to pay ther way an
keep up his club, an awr Hepsabah has a gooid deeal o' pride, an yond
hat o' hers is hardly fit to be seen in at warty, nivver name Sundy, an
shoo connot affoord another, an th' poor child's ommost heartbrokken."

"Bless mi life! That's easy to set straight! Connot ta lend her one o'
thy bonnets?"

"Tha artn't worth tawkin to! Does ta think a young lass, (for shoo's
little moor,) wod goa to th' chapel in an old woman's bonnet? If shoo'd
had lot's o' father's they'd ha bowt her one."

"Happen soa;--but tha sees shoo hasn't a lot o' father's,--shoo's nobbut
getten me,--but if buyin her a bit ov a bonnet will set matters straight
aw could sewerly manage that."

"Nah tha'rt tawkin sense. Aw tell'd her if shoo'd nobbut ax thi tha'd
nooan see her kept i'th haase for th' want ov a hat. But shoo sed tha'd
allus been soa gooid to her at shoo couldn't for shame to mention it.
But, tha knows, tha cannot buy her a hat unless shoo gooas wi thi."

"W ell,--tell her to put her things on an we'll goa an get her messured
for one at once."

"Tha tawks as if tha wor gooin to get her a coffin asteead ov a hat.
Wimmen dooant get messured for hats."

"Oh, dooant they. Well, tell her to get ready an luk sharp."

Mally left Sammywell smookin his pipe an went to carry gooid news to
Hepsabah.

"Nah, Hepsabah lass,--aw've managed to tawk thi father into th' humour
to buy thi a hat. A'a! but aw've had a job! Come this minnit for fear he
changes his mind; an see tha gets a gooid en wol tha's th' chonce."
Sammywell wor capt to see em back soa sooin, but tellin em to sit daan a
bit wol he went up stairs, he left em an went to put summat into his
purse, an wor rayther surprised at Mally didn't follow to see ha mich he
tuk, for he had to goa into a box whear they kept ther savins at wor
nivver suppooased to be touched except on special occasions.

"Aw shalln't need mich for a job o' this sooart," he sed, "if aw
remember reightly that straw hat aw bowt last summer nobbut cost me
eighteen pence, an shoo willn't want one as big as that; but awst nooan
be to two-a-three penoth o' copper; an aw mud as weel have a bit extra
to swagger wi." Soa he tuk a couple o' soverins,--ov coarse intendin to
bring em back, an then hurried off wi Hepsabah as fast as he could for
fear Mally wod ax some questions he didn't want to answer.

"Whear are we to goa?" he axt as soon as they wor aght o'th seet o'th
haase.

"Aw think Pinchems an Twitchems will be th' best place," sed Hepsabah.

"Just whearivver tha likes, an be sewer tha gets one to suit thi."

When they gate to th' shop, Sammywell felt like holdin back, for he'd
nivver been i' sich a place befoor, but he screwed his courage up, an
tellin' Hepsabah to lead th' way he follered, feelin like a fish aght o'
watter.

Hepsabah walked in as if shoo owned th' shop, an spaikin to a gentleman,
they wor shown up stairs whear ther wor sich a lot o' wimmin tryin hats
on, an sich a lot o' young lasses fussin abaat an attendin to em, wol
Sammywell wor fairly flammergasted amang it. One nice young woman browt
him a cheer to sit on, but he darn't ventur 'on it, for it lukt as if it
wor made o' black sealin wax, but Hepsabah flopt daan on it as if shoo'd
been used to sittin o' sich articles all her life. Sammywell whispered
to her to be as sharp as shoo could, an stood watchin what wor gooin on.
Then th' young woman coom agean wi her armful o' what lukt to be flaars
an feathers an ribbins all jumbled in a lump, but which proved to be
what they called hats, an as shoo put furst one an then another on to
Hepsabah, he wor fairly surprised to discover what a bonny lukkin woman
his dowter wor; an when shoo axt him which he liked best, he could
nobbut say, "onny on em! suit thisen, lass!" an th' young woman smiled
at him an sed, "It's nice when a gentleman likes to see his wife well
dressed," an Sammywell blushed an sed "Hem! hem!" but didn't undeceive
her. After tryin on abaat a scoor, nooan seemin to exactly suit
Hepsabah, th' young woman browt another, an Sammywell's e'en fairly
sparkled. "By th' heart!" he sed, "but that's what aw call a Bobby
Dazzler!" an it wor plain to be seen at Hepsabah thowt soa too. "Aw
should like it," shoo sed, "but awm feeared it'll cost a lot."

"Tha's nowt to do wi that. It's me at's to pay for it!" soa in a few
minnits it wor packt in a box, an handed to her, an Sammywell tell'd her
to tak it an get aghtside an wait for him an he'd bi wi her as sooin as
he'd sattled for it. Hepsabah's face wor all smiles, tho' ther wor just
a glisten o' tears in her een as shoo went away.

"An nah, young woman," sed Sammywell, as he held his purse in his hand,
"ha mich do yo want?"

Shoo handed him th' bill, but he seemed as if he couldn't mak it aght,
soa he put on his spectacles. "This is a mistak, Miss," he sed, "aw've
nobbut agreed to pay for one."

"That's quite right, sir," shoo sed, "One hat,--twenty two and six."

"Twenty two fiddlesticks!"

"No, sir, twenty two shillings and six pence. That's not much for a
gentleman to pay for his wife's hat."

"But shoo isn't mi wife! Shoo's nobbut mi dowter!"

"No one would think you had a daughter so old;--you must have married
very young," sed th' young woman smilin at him in a way at made him feel
funny all ovver.

He sed noa moor but handed her two soverins; shoo gave him his change,
an he made th' best ov his way into th' street where Hepsabah wor waitin
for him; then he lained his back agean a lamp-pooast as if he wor too
waik to stand.

"Do yo feel sick, father?" sed Hepsabah.

"Eeah, aw think aw've getten a bit ov a sickener."

"It wor varry warm i' that shop."

"Eeah,--its th' hottest shop aw've ivver been in."

"Yo see, yo arn't used to buyin hats."

"Noa, an awm net likely to get used to it. Aw hooap thar't suited."

"O, father,--its a beauty! If aw can nobbut get my chap to buy me a
costume to match it!"

"Tha'll nivver do that, Hepsabah, becoss he connot. If he'd to buy thee
a costoom, as tha calls it, to match that, an pay for it at th' same
rate as aw've paid for that hat, it ud cost him aboon a thaasand paand!
What does to think it's cost me?"

"Aw can't guess."

"Twenty two shillin an sixpence! That's true whether tha believes it or
net."

"Is that all! Why its as cheap as muck."

"Well, mak th' best on it, for tha'll get noa moor muck at th' same
price aght o' me. But promise me at tha'll nivver tell thi mother! If
shoo'd to get to know shoo wodn't be able to sleep for a wick. It's a
scandlus shame, an aw've been swindled! Why, tha owt to ha getten a hat
as big as a umbrella for that price."

"Well, if yo hadn't wanted me to have it yo shouldn't ha sed soa."

"Aw did want thi to have it, but it's price aw connot get ovver. Why it
weighs nowt hardly. Its cost aboon five shillin an aance. Thee goa in an
show it to thi mother an aw'll goa an get summat to steady mi narves."

Sammywell tried to keep his spirits up wi puttin some spirits daan, but
he couldn't manage it, an it wor wi fear an tremblin at he lifted th'
sneck when he went hooam. All lukt breet an cheerful an th' supper wor
on th' table, an Mally's face showed noa sign o' ill temper. "Thank
gooidness," he sed to hissen, "shoo hasn't been upstairs to caant th'
brass yet."

"Come thi ways to thi supper, Sammywell, aw wor gettin uneasy abaat
thi."

"Has Hepsabah been?" he axt.

"Eeah. An shoo's shown me her new hat, an aw must say aw didn't gie thi
credit for havin sich gooid taste. Shoo's famously suited, an awm
pleeased to think tha's acted as a father should act for once. Aw do
believe if tha could nobbut live long enuff aw should be able to mak a
daycent chap on thi at th' finish."

"Did shoo say owt abaght what it cost?"

"Nay shoo didn't, an aw nivver axt her, for aw know tha'd nooan be
likely to give mich; but if aw thowt aw could get one like it for owt
under five an twenty shillin awd be after one i'th mornin."

"Well, but tha connot,--for ther's nivver been but one made o' that
pattern."

"Ther'd happen be one ov another pattern to suit me."

"Ther's noa moor ov onny sooart whativver; for th' chap at keeps that
shop is gooin to retire from business to-neet an start a bank i'th
mornin,--an noa wonder."

"Onnybody'd think to listen to thi at tha didn't thoil it. Aw know ha
mich brass tha tuk wi thi an if tha's spent it all, what bi that! Tha
doesn't buy thi dowter a hat ivvery wick! an its far cheaper to buy a
daycent article nor to squander yor brass on a lot o' rubbish. Shoo's
varry careful ov her clooas is Hepsabah, an tha'll see it'll ha lasted
weel bi th' time tha gooas to buy her another."

"That's a moral sartainty. If that hat lasts her wol aw buy her another
it'll last a long time."

"Say noa moor abaat it. Tha's suited us an if tha hasn't suited thisen
its thi own fault. Aw thowt tha desarved a bit ov a treeat soa aw
fotched thi a drop o' thi favourite, an if tha doesn't want it all
thisen aw dooant mind havin a drop."

"That's all reight, Mally, an awm glad tha'rt soa thowtful, but aw
connot help thinkin tha'rt a varry inconsistent woman."

"Nah then! If tha'rt gooin to start callin me names aw willn't have a
drop!"

"Aw dooant want to call thi names, but facts are stubborn things. If aw
happen to goa an get two-penoth into mi heead tha praiches at me for a
full clockhaar abaat th' sin ov extravagance an th' blessins ov economy;
but awr Hepsabah can wear a hat at's cost as mich as aw could buy a
distillary for, an that's all reight."

"If tha bowt a distillery, Sammywell, nawther thee nor it wod last as
long as awr Hepsabah's hat, soa things are better as they are. Hand
ovver what change tha's getten i' thi pocket an then sup up an let's get
off to bed, an be thankful tha's getten a dowter to buy a hat for, an a
wife at advises thee allus for th' best."

"All reight, lass,--awm ready,--but aw connot for th' life o' me see
what awr Hepsabah's hat has to do wi young wimmen darnin ther stockins
an weshin ther shifts."

"A'a, Sammywell! Ther's a deeal o' things abaat wimmen at tha has to
leearn yet."

"Aw believe there is,--but twenty two an sixpence a lesson is a trifle
aboon my cut."

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