Sperrit Rappin.

Did yo iver goa to a sperrit rappin' doo? Aw did once, but aw can't say
it wor mich i' my line.

It happen'd one Setterdy neet 'at aw'd been to have a pint at th'
"Rompin
Kittlin," an' aw heeard some chaps say 'at ther wor baan to be a meetin
i'th' owd wayvin shop o'th' Sundy afternooin, an' iver so mony mediums
wor
commin to tell all 'at wor gooin on i'th' tother world, soa as awd nowt
else to do, aw went, an' after a bit o' thrustin aw managed to get into
a
front seat: but they wor varry particlar who they let in. As aw wor set,
waitin for th' performance to begin, aw thowt it luk'd varry mich like a
inquest, for ther wor one chap set o'th' end o't' table, an' six daan
each
side; an' they wor a lot o'th' rummest lukkin fowk aw'd seen for a long
time. They all seem'd as if they wanted sendin aght to grass, for ther
faces wor th' color ov a lot o' tallow craps. In a bit they started, an'
we all sang a hymn, an' varry weel it wor sung too, considerin 'at that
radical gravestoan letterer joined in it; for if ther is ony body 'at
can
throw a whole congregation aght o' tune, its owd Cinnamon, for he owt
niver to oppen his maath onywhear unless all th' fowk is booath deeaf
an'
blind, for th' seet o' his chowl is enuff to drive all th' harmony aght
ov
a meetin. Aw dar wager a trifle 'at he'd be able to spoil th' Jubilee.
But as aw wor sayin, we did varry weel considerin, an' then th' cheerman
gate up an' addressed a few words to us. He sed he'd noa daat 'at ther
wor
a goaid many amang us 'at didn't believe i' sperrits, but he could
assure
us 'at ther wor moor i' sperrits sometimes nor what we imagined. He sed
he
knew one man 'at had been under th' influence ov a sperit, 'at went
hooam
an' tell'd his wife sich things 'at made her hair stand ov an end, an'
when
he gate up next mornin he knew nowt abaat it till he saw his wife wor
i'th'
sulks, an' he ax'd her "what ther wor to do." "Ther's plenty to do, aw
think," shoo says; "ha can ta fashion to put thi heead aght o'th' door?
But tha can have yond nasty gooid-for-nawt as soain as tha likes, for
awst
leeave thi if aw live wol awm an haar older! It's a bonny come off, 'at
me
at's barn ommoss a duzzen children to thi should be shoved o' one side
far
a thing like yond!" "Why, lass, aw doant know what tha'rt talking
abaat,"
he sed, "tell me what tha meeans!" "Aw've noa need to tell thi," shoo
sed,
"tha knows weel enuff, an' aw believe ivery word 'at tha sed, for they
say
'at druffen chaps an' childer allus spaik th' truth, an' awve
suspicioned
yond Betty for a long time! What reight has shoo to be dawdlin abaat
other
fowks husbands for? If shoo wants a felly, let her get one ov her own!
But tha may tak her an' welcome, an' mich gooid may shoo do thi, an' may
yo
allus be as happy together as aw wish vo--an' noa happier! drot her!"
"Why, did aw say owt abaat Betty? Tha mun tak noa nooatice o' owt aw say
when aw come hooam throo a meetin, tha sees, sin aw wor made a medium,
aw
ammot allus just i' mi reight senses, an' it isn't me 'at spaiks, it's
what's in me." "Eea, an' it wor what wor in thi 'at spaik last neet!
Tha's noa need to tell me 'at tha worn't i' thi reight wit, for tha
hasn't
been that for a long time but aw can tell thi one thing--if tha'rt a
medium, awm net gooin to be made one! aw'll awther be one thing or
tother,
soa if tha'd rayther have yond mucky trolly, tak her; an' may yo booath
have a seed i' yor tooith an' corns o' yor tooas, an' be fooarsed to
walk
daan th' hill, all th' days o' yor lives; that's what aw wish." He
talked
to her for a long time, but it wor noa use, for yo see shoo'd niver been
enlightened, an' all he could say didn't convince her 'at he worn't
answerable for all he'd sed an' done; but ov cooarse it's weel known 'at
mediums arn't responsible for owt. After a few moor remarks, an' relatin
a
few moor incidents, he sed "it wor abaat time to begin the serious
business
'at had called us together, an' he sed he hooap'd 'at if ony had came to
scoff, they'd remain to pay, for they wor sadly i' need o' funds, an' he
hooap'd 'at iverybody wod respond liberally, for sperits sich as they
dealt
in could not be getten o' trust, although they had to be takken that
way."
Then he knock'd th' table three times wi' his knuckles, an' two o'th'
fiddle-faced chaps 'at wor set one o' each side on him, began to wriggle
abaat as if they'd getten th' murly grubs. "Stop! stop!" he sed, "one at
once, if yo pleease! Brother Sawny had better give his sperit backward
for
a few minutes, wol we've done wi' Brother Titus's." Soa Sawny gave ovver
shakkin hissen, exceptin his heead, an' jumpin onto his feet, he sed,
"If
awve allus to give way to Titus, awm blow'd if awl come to edify yor lot
ony longer." "Husht, husht!" says th' cheerman, "the sperit has takken
possession o' Titus already. Will ony o'th' unbelievers ax it a few
questions?" Soa aw thowt aw mud as weel be forrad as onybody else, soa
aw
stood up an' ax'd it furst--

"What did they use to call thi?"

"Mary Jane Wittering."

"Ha long is it since tha deed?"

(Noa answer; soa th' cheerman sed it wor a varry frivolous an' improper
question, an' aw mud ax summat else.)

"Wor ta iver wed?"

"Nobbut three times."

"Wor ta allus true to 'em when tha had 'em?"

(No answer; th' cheerman shook his neive at me.)

"Are they livin or deead?"

"One's deead, one's livin, an' one's a medium."

"Has ta met anybody tha knows up i' yor pairts?"

"Monny a scoor."

"Are they happy or miserable?"

"Some one way an' some another."

"Has ta seen onybody at's come latly?"

"Nubdy but a chap they call 'Profit."

"What did they call him 'Profit' for?"

"Aw doant know, unless it's becoss he did soa weel aght o' collectin th'
rates afoor he coom here."

"Is he happy?"

"Nut exactly, he's undergooin his punishment, poor chap."

"What is it?"

"He's shut up i'th dark for as monny year as he's charged fowk for feet
o'
gas 'at they've niver burned; an' bi what awve heeard some o'th older
end
o'th sperits say, it seems varry likely 'at eternity will ha getten
farish
in, befoor he sees leet agean."

"Is he tormented wi' owt?"

"Nowt but his conscience."

"Ha's that?"

"He hadn't one when he coom, soa he's had to tak one at's been left bi
somdy else, an' it pricks him sadly."

"Then it seems his brass willn't save him?"

"Noa, for yo know, 'Wi whatsoever metre yo measure, to yo it'll be
measured
agean."

"Is ther owt to ait an' drink i' yor quarter?"

"Noa, they've shut all th' shops up, an' it's time they shut thine up,
for
aw'm stall'd o' tawkin to thi?"

Aw wor baan to ax him summat else, but he began to wriggle agean, an'
th'
cheerman sed th' sperit wor takkin its departure, an' in a minute he
oppened his een, an luk'd raand as sackless as if he had nobbut just
wakken'd. "Nah, my dear friend," sed th' cheerman, turnin an' spaikin to
me, "aw hooap yo're satisfied. Does ta believe i' what this sperit has
communicated?"

"Well," aw says, "to tell the th' truth, aw can't say 'at aw awther
believe
in it or net, for aw've noa proof, but if aw sed owt aw should be
inclined
to say 'net'--but still it saands varry likely what one might expect,
an'
that's all aw can say abaat it at present."

"Be sure tha comes to awr meetin next Sundy," he sed, "an' aw can see
'at
tha'll sooin be one on us." An' for that reason aw niver went agean, for
aw couldn't help thinkin 'at if aw wanted to be a medium for sperits,
'at
awd rayther get a owd licensed haase an' start reight.

Wol this had been gooin on, awd heeard a chap an' his wife, 'at sat
cloise
to me, talkin a gooid deal, an' aw varry sooin fan aght 'at shoo wor
tryin
to mak him believe as mich i' sperits as shoo did, an' ivery time th'
medium answered one o' my questions shoo nudged him, an' sed "Does ta
hear
that? Its ivery word as true as gospel? Does ta believe it nah?" After
shoo'd axed him two or three times, he sed, "Well, its varry wonderful,
an'
aw do begin to think 'at there's summat in it." "A'a!" shoo sed, "aw
knew
tha'd believe if aw could get thi to come." It wor Sawney's turn next to
be entranced, as they call it, an' as sooin as th' sperit had takken
possession on him (which seemed to be a varry hard task, an' aw dooant
know
wether it went in at his maath or whear), this woman 'at set aside o' me
jumped up an' axed if shoo mud be allowed to put a few questions.

Th' cheerman sed shoo mud an' welcome, soa shoo began--

"Ha old am aw?"--"Fifty-two."

"Am aw married or single?"--"Married."

"Ha monny childer have aw?"--"Four."

"Nah," shoo says, turning to her husband, "isn't it true?"

"Yos, its true enuff," he sed, "aw believe there's summat in it, but aw
should like to ax a question or two misen."

"Why, jump up, then, an' luk sharp an' start," shoo sed.

So he started--

"Ha old am aw?"--"Fifty-three."

"Nah then! didn't aw tell thi! does ta believe it nah?" shoo sed.

"Am aw married or single?"--"Married."

"True agean, tha sees," sed his wife.

"Ha monny childer have aw?"--"Two."

"Two! Then if my wife's four whose, is tother two?"

As sooin as shoo heeard that, an' befoor th' medium had time to spaik,
shoo
seized hold ov her umbrella, an'lauped off her seat towards whear th'
medium wor set, an' aw fancy if th' umbrella nop had made acquaintance
wi'
his heead i'th' way shoo'd intended, 'at it wodn't ha taen long to
untrance that chap. But th' cheerman saw her comin, an' managed to stop
it, but it wor noa easy job to quieten her. "A'a, tha lyin gooid-for-
nowt!" shoo sed, "has ta come here slanderin daycent wimmin? Aw defy
awther onybody i' this world or onybody i'th' tother to say owt agean my
karractur! Yor a lot o' himposters, ivery one on yo, that's what yo are!
Come on, Jim," shoo sed to her husband, as shoo seized hold ov his arm,
"let us goa, its nooan a fit place for gradely fowk."

"Dooant be i' sich a hurry," he sed, "aw begin to think ther's summat
in it."

"Summat in it! Has ta noa moor sense nor to believe in a lot o' lyin
vagabones like thease? Let's get hooam, they're nooan fit spots for
daycent fowk, an' aw hooap awst niver catch thi i' one agean! Come on!"

"Why, tha browt me, didn't ta? an' tha seemd to believe in it."

"Eea, aw believed' em soa long as aw knew what they tell'd me wor true,
but
as sooin as they start lyin, aw can't believe 'em then; but aw wish awd
hold o' that chap's toppin, an' awd shake th' truth aght on him, or else
awd rive his heead off--nasty low-lived sneak as he is! But come on
hooam, an if tha waits wol aw bring thi agean, tha'll wait wol tha'rt a
thaasand year old, an moor ner that."

They went aght, an in a bit quietness wor restored.

After a few moor remarks, th' cheerman sed 'at it wor too far on i'th'
day
for ony moor sperits to be sent for, for th' mediums had another meeting
to
attend that neet, soa he read aght another hymn, an' we tried to sing it
to
th' tune ov "Sweet spirit, hear mi prayer," but we couldn't, for
Cinnamon
wor too mich for us all--he wor a deal better brayer nor prayer, an'
after
one or two moor tries, th' cheerman sed "'at unless that gentleman
(lukkin
at Cinnamon) wod awther swallow a scaarin--stooan an' a pund o' sweet
sooap
to clear his voice, or else keep his maath shut, we should have to leave
singin aght o'th' question altogether." But Cinnamon worn't to be put
daan; an' he tell'd th' cheerman 'at if he didn't know what singin wor
he
did, an' when he wor in Horstraly (A voice--"What does ta know abaat
Horstraly, tupheead, tha niver went noa farther ner Burtonheead i' all
thi
life"). This ryled Cim, an' he up wi' a stooil an' whew'd it slap at th'
cheerman. Aw saw ther wor likely to be a row, for whativer other sperit
wor thear, aw could see plain enuff 'at th' sperit o' mischief wor i'
some
on 'em, soa aw crept up beside th' door an' pop'd aght, an' left 'em
to settle it as they could.

Aw met Cinnamon th' next mornin, an' aw saw 'at he'd a gurt plaister ov
his nooas, an' aw couldn't help thinkin what a blessin it wod ha been to
some fowk if it had been stuck ovver his maath asteead.
.

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