Why Tommy isn't a Deacon.

Tommy wor allus considered to be th' tip top in his trade. His worn't a
common sooart ov a callin like wayvin, or spinnin, or coil leeadin. He
nobbut had to deal wi'th' heeads o'th' community. Th' fact is he wor a
barber; an' ther's monny a chap at awd moor o' thear gooid fortun to th'
way he fixed up th' aghtside o' thear heeads, nor what they did to th'
fixin i'th' inside.

Aw've monny a time thowt when aw've seen him thrang 'at his trade wor
just a reight schooil for a chap to gaa to, to leearn to have contempt
for wod-be gurt fowk, for aw've seen chaps come in lukkin as fierce as a
pot-lion, an ommost makkin yo tremel wi' th' way they sed' gooid
mornin,' but as sooin as they've getten set daan, an' a gurt print
table-cloth tucked under ther chin, an' lathered up to ther een, they've
sat as quiet an' luk'd as sheepish as a chap' at's just been to see his
sweetheart get wed.

Well, ther wor nobbut one thing 'at Tommy aspired to, moor nor what he
had, an' that wor to be a deacon. Net 'at he knew owt abaat what a
deacon owt to be, or owt to do, but becoss a chap 'at used to goa to th'
same schooil when they wor lads, had getten made a deacon at th'
Starvhoil Baptists' Chapel, an' Tommy didn't like to be behund hand; an'
then agean ther wor a woman in th' case.

Tommy had allus been a pretty regular attender at auther one chapel or
another, but he'd niver stuck to one i' particular, for he liked to hear
different preachers, an' he didn't feel varry anxious to pay pew rent.
But just abaat this time summat happened 'at made a change in him.

Cloise to whear he lived ther wor a chap 'at kept a sausage shop, an' he
wor takken sick an' deed, an' his widder sent for Tommy to come an'
shave him befoor he wor burrid, an' he did it i' sich a nice an'
considerate way, an' tawked soa solemn, an' pooled sich a long face, 'at
he gate invited to th' funeral, an wor axed to be one o'th' bearers an'
as he nobbut stood abaat four feet in his booits, he consented at once,
for as t'other five chaps all stood abaat six feet, he knew he wodn't
have mich to carry.

When th' funeral wor nicely ovver, an' they gate back to th' haase, they
wor all invited to stop an' have a bit o' summat to ait, an' as sausage
wor th' handiest o' owt to cook, shoo axed 'em if they'd have some.
Nubdy'd owt to say agean it, but Tommy didn't seem satisfied, an' when
th' widder saw it shoo sed, 'may be, Tommy sausage doesn't agree wi'
yo,--is thear owt else yo'd like?'

"Well," he sed, "aw've nowt agean sausage, but aw think 'at black
pudding wad be moor appropriate for a burrin."

"Tha'd happen like black beer to swill it daan," sed one. "Nah, yo 'at
want sausage can have it, an' them 'at likes black puddin can have
that," shoo sed.' An' varry sooin ther wor a dish o' booath befoor' em,
but nubdy seemed to fancy th' black pudding nobbut Tommy, an aw dooant
think he enjoyed' em mich, for they worn't varry fresh.

'Get some moor, Tommy,' shoo sed, 'it does me gooid to see you ait 'em,
for they wor the last thing awr Jack made i' this world, an' aw like to
see some respect paid to him. He little thowt when he wor makkin them
'at he'd be deead wi' th' small-pox an' burrid in a wick.' Wi' this shoo
began to cry, an' as th' mourners kept leavin one bi one, ther wor sooin
nubdy left but Tommy to sympathise wi' her, an' as ivery time he sed owt
shoo shoved him another black puddin on his plate, he began to think it
time he went hooam, for if shoo kept on at that rate it wodn't tak long
to mak another burrin. In a bit he wor forced to stop, an' he sed he
thowt it wor time for him to goa; but shoo put her hand on his heead an'
luk'd daan at him soa sorrowful like, as shoo lifted daan a black bottle
aght o'th' cubbord, wol he couldn't find in his heart to leave her, soa
sittin daan they had a drop o' gin an' watter together, for shoo wanted
some to draand her sorrow, an he wanted summat to settle his stummack.
Then he began lukkin raand, an' he wor capt to find what a nice
comfortable haase shoo had, an' all th' furniture as gooid as new; and
ivery glass he tuk he fancied shoo wor better lukkin nor he'd seen her
befoor, an' as he didn't offer to leave as long as th' gin lasted, bi
th'time it wor done he thowt he'd niver seen a widder 'at suited him as
weel, an' as he wanted a wife he couldn't help thinkin 'at he mud do wor
nor try to find room thear to hing his hat up.

He knew at shoo wor varry nicely off an' could affoord to live withaat
th' sausage shop, an' although shoo wor big enuff to mak two sich chaps
as him, he didn't think that wor onny objection.

He niver knew exactly ha he gate hooam that neet, but he went to bed an'
dreamt 'at he wor riding in a hearse to get wed to th' widder, an' th'
trees on booath sides o'th' road wor hung wi' garlands o' black pudding.

Two months had passed, an' Tommy hadn't let his sympathy stop wi' th'
funeral, but used to call regularly once a wick to see her, an' allus
went to the same chapel ov a Sunday, an' tuk care to dress all i' black,
an' had a black band raand his hat, which coom in varry weel to cover up
th' grease spots; an' one neet as they wor gooin hooam together, he
screwed up his courage an' ax'd her if shoo didn't think, as shoo wor
soa lonely, an' he wor lonely too 'at they'd better join?

'Tha'rt to lat,' shoo sed, 'for aw joined long sin, an' wor made a
member directly after aw burrid awr poor Jack.'

'But that isn't what aw mean,' sed Tommy, 'aw mean, hadn't we better
join an' get wed, for awm sure we could get on varry nicely together.'

'Well, aw think we can get on varry nicely separate,' shoo sed, 'but
anyway, if iver aw do get wed agean it'll have to be a member o'th'
chapel; for awr Jack, deead an' gooan as he is, an' ther wor niver a
better chap teed to a woman nor he wor, yet he had his faults, an' he
knew a deeal moor abaat sausages an' puddins nor he knew abaat sarmons
an' prayers, an' he'd rayther ha gooan to a dog feight nor a deacons'
meetin ony day, an' as he left me varry nicely provided for, though
aw've nubdy to thank for that but misen, aw can affoord to wait wol aw
get suited.'

'Well, Hannah Maria,' he sed, 'but suppoas aw wor a deacon do yo think
aw should suit?'

'That aw connot tell,' shoo sed, 'but if tha iver gets to be a deacon
tha can ax me then.'

Soa Tommy bade her gooid neet; an' nah he wor detarmined to be a deacon
come what wod.

Next Sunday he joined th' Sunday Schooil as a taicher, tho' he knew noa
moor abaat taichin nor th' powl 'at hung o' th' aghtside ov his shop
door. Then he tuk a sittin in a pew reight anent th' parson, tho' he had
to pay well for it, an' when they made a collection, which wor pratty
oft, an' th' chaps used to goa raand wi' th' box allus when they wor
singin th' last hymn, he used to be soa takken up wi' th' singin wol th'
chap had to nudge him two or three times; then he'd throw daan his book
an' fidget in his pocket as if he'd forgetten all abaat it, an' bring
aght sixpenoth ov hawpneys, an' put 'em in wi' sich a rattle wol ivery
body'd knew 'at he'd gien summat.

He wor allus th' furst in his seeat an' one o'th' last to leeav, an'
ivery Sunday he managed to have summat to say awther to th' parson or
one o'th' deacon's, wol befoor he'd been thear a month he'd getten to be
quite a nooated chap.

Wheniver one o'th' congregation called in to get shaved, they allus
faand him readin th' Evangelical Magazine, or else repooarts o'th'
Liberation Society, an' it worn't long befoor sombdy tell'd him in a
saycret 'at he wor baan to be propoased for a deacon. He tried to luk as
if he cared nowt abaat it, but as sooin as the chap went aght, he flang
his lather brush under th' table, threw his razor an' white appron into
a corner, upset his lather box on to th' Evangelical, an' ran up stairs
two steps at a time, an' seized a bottle off th' shelf, an' sayin,
'Here's to th' deacon!' swallowed hauf a pint o' neat, an' what else he
might ha done aw dooant know if he hadn't ommost brokken his neck wi'
tryin to turn a summerset.

This browt him to his senses a bit, an' then he sat daan to reckon up ha
mich a wick he'd have comin in when he'd getten wed to th' widder.

Nah aw hardly like to say it, but it's true, Tommy wor rayther fond ov a
drop o' summat strong, but he niver let monny fowk see him tak it after
he'd joined th' chapel. But he had just one confidential friend, an' he
allus tell'd him iverything, an' ov coarse he'd let him know all abaat
th' widder, an' being made a deacon; soa he sent for him, an' they'd a
fine time on it that neet, for they shut up th' shop an' gate as full as
they could carry, an' just as they wor gooin to pairt, a letter coom to
tell Tommy 'at he'd to be voted for as a deacon after th' Thursday's
meetin; an' as that day wor Tuesday they hadn't long to wait, soa they
detarmined to have another glass or two on th' heead on it, an' they
kept it up soa long wol at last they both fell asleep.

When they wakkened it wor broad dayleet, an' they felt rayther seedy;
soa they agreed to separate, an' Tommy made his friend promise to be
sure to call on him to tak him to th' meetin.

Alick promised, an' then left him. Nah Alick wor a man ov his word, soa
he decided net to goa hooam for fear o' forgettin, but he hadn't been
sat long i'th' 'Tattered Rag Tap,' befoor he fell asleep' 'When he
wakken'd it wor cloise on six o' clock, an' th' furst thowt 'at struck
him wor 'at that wor th' time for th' meetin;--for he didn't think 'at
it worn't wol the day after; soa swallowin daan another stiff glass o'
rum, he set off to fotch Tommy.

When he gate thear he saw Tommy sittin nursin his heead an' lukkin as
sanctimonious as if he'd niver done owt wrang in his life.

'Come on!' he sed, 'if tha doesn't luk sharp tha'll be to lat!'

'What does ta mean, Alick,' he sed, 'th' meetin isn't till to morn at
neet.'

'Aw tell thi it's to neet, an' it's time tha wor thear nah. Aw promised
tha should be i' time an' tha'll ha to goa.'

'Aw tell th' meetin isn't wol Thursday!'

'Well, this is Thursday.'

'Tha'rt drunk, Alick; tha doesn't know what tha'rt talking abaat.'

Alick wor just drunk enuff to have his own rooad, an' wodn't listen to
reason, soa he says, 'Awl let thi see who it is 'at's druffen! Awl
awther ha thee made a deacon or a deead en afoor tha gooas to bed to
neet!' an' sayin soa, he seized hold on him, an' tuckin him under his
arm as if he'd been a umbereller he started off aght o' door. Tommy
begged an' prayed, an' kicked an' fittered, but all to noa use. Alick
wor three times as big as him, an' held him like a vice.

Just as they'd getten into th' street they met all th' miln fowk, an' as
they wor booath weel known, fowk laffed rarely, for they thowt it a
gooid spree. Th' rooads wor varry mucky an' sloppy, an' as Alick worn't
varry steady on his pins they hadn't gooan far befoor they wor booath
rollin i'th' sludge, but Alick niver left goa; he scramel'd up, an' off
agean, an' wor varry sooin at th' chapel door. Th' only consolation 'at
poor Tommy had wor thinkin 'at th' chapel wodn't be oppen, an' then
Alick wod find aght his mistak; but it unfortunately happened' at ther
wor a meetin that neet i'th vestry abaat establishing a Band o' Hope,
soa th' chapel doors wor oppen. Alick rushed in wi' poor Tommy, moor
deead nor alive. Th' noise they made sooin browt all th' fowk aght o'th'
vestry, an' th' parson coom fussin to see what wor to do, an' as ther
wor nobbut one or two leets i'th' chapel bottom, an' nooan up stairs, he
could hardly see what it all meant. Just then Alick let goa, an' Tommy
flew up stairs like a shot, hooapin 'at as it wor ommost dark he'd be
able to find his way aghtside befoor he wor seen.

Alick luk'd varry solid an' tried to balance hissen by holdin to one
o'th' gas fixtures.

'What's the meaning of this?' sed th' parson.

'Please yor reverence, hic,--aw've browt yo th' new deacon, hic,--an' a
d---l ov a job aw've had to mak him come, but awm a man o' mi word, an'
aw promised he should bi here i' time, an' aw'd ha browt him if aw'd had
to being him in his coffin. That's th' sooart ov chap aw am old ***!'

Bi this time all th' fowk wor gethered raand, an' th' parson luk'd throo
one to another, to see if they could explain matters, but they wor all
fast amang it.

Alick wor standin lukkin raand in a sackless sooart ov a way, when all
at once he spied th' widder amang 'em, soa ponitin her aght he sed,
'Jack's widder thear can tell yo all abaat it, it's been made up between
them two, an' a varry gooid pair they'll mak, an' if he cannot shave
her, shoo'll be able to lather him. Tha knows awm a man o' mi word,
Hannah Maria, an' aw sed aw'd bring him.'

All th' nooatice th' widder tuk wor to shak her neive in his face, an'
as they all could see ha drunk Alick wor, they left him standin wol they
locked all th' doors an' prepared to have a hunt for th' chap 'at had
run up stairs. But Tommy wor detarmined net to be catched if he could
help' it, an' a fine race he led' em, for he flew ovver th' pews like a
cat, an' as th' door-keeper, an' pew oppener, an' th' parson ran after
him, th' wimmen kept gettin into ther rooad, an' ovver they tummeld
knockin th' cannels aght as they fell, an' of all th' skrikin an'
screamin yo iver heeard, it licked all.

Alick wor bi hissen daan stairs, an' wor feelin rayther misty amahg it,
but when he heard all th' noise he bethowt him 'at it must be a pairt
o'th' ceremony, an' he began to feel excited.

'Keep it up owd lad! Gooid lad Tommy! Thar't a *** burd! By gow I tha
niver should ha been a barber! Two hauf-craans to one on th' little en!'

But they catched him at last; an' as they didn't know who it wor, an' he
wor soa covered wi' muck an dust wol it wor hard to tell, they browt him
daan stairs whear ther wor a better leet.

When th' parson saw who it wor he could hardly believe his een, an' all
t' others put ther hands as if they thowt th' roof worn't safe.

'Thomas,' sed th' parson solemnly, 'I'm sorry to see thou hast fallen.
Thy race here is run.'

'Well, he ran weel didn't he?' sed Alick. Ther wor moor nor him fell i'
that race, or else ther wor a deeal o' skrikin for nowt. But it just
suits me, aw wodn't ha missed it for a shillin! aw wor niver at th'
makkin ov a deacon afoor, it's three times as mich fun as makkin a free
mason.'

Tommy tried to spaik, but he wor soa aght o' wind wol he couldn't say a
word, an' as sooin as th' doors wor oppened he made a bolt for hooam.
Alick follerd him, but fan th' door locked, soa he went hooam too.

Next mornin, nawt her on 'em could exactly tell what had happened th'
neet afoor, but Alick went to pay Tommy a visit. What wor sed aw dooant
know, but they tell me 'at Alick's shaved hissen iver sin, for he
doesn't seem to like th' idea o' Tommy bein soa varry near him wi' a
razor.

Ov course Tommy worn't made a deacon, an' what wor war nor all he lost
th' widder into th' bargain.

They did try to get him to join th' Good Templars; an' Alick sed if he
wanted to be a member he'd promise to see' at he wor thear i' time if he
had to sit up another neet for it; 'an tha knows awm a man o' mi word,
doesn't ta, Tommy?'

But someha or other Tommy seems content to stop as he is, but if yo
should iver give him a call, aw wodn't advise yo to say owt abaat him
bein made deacon, for th' thowts on it seems to be like th' black
pudding he had at th' burrin drinkin,--varry heavy on his stummack, an'
all th' gin an' watter he's been able to get has niver swilled it daan.

Hannah Maria's getten wed agean; shoo wor as gooid as her word.--shoo
wed a local praicher; but as his labours didn't seem to profit him mich,
he left th' connexion, an' wi' Hannah Maria's bit o' brass he bowt th'
valiation o'th 'Purrin Pussycat' public haase, an' shoo tends th' bar
wi' as mich red ribbon flyin raand her heead as ud mak reins for a
six-horse team. Tommy called once, but when he saw th' picture frame 'at
he'd taen soa mich pains wi' for Jack's funeral card hung up wi' a
ticket in it sayin 'prime pop,' he supt up his rum an' walked
sorrowfully aght, withaat payin for it, an' he's niver been seen thear
sin.

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