Peace Makkin.

"Honest confession is gooid for th' soul," they say, an aw may as weel
confess at once 'at awve been a fooil. Happen yo'll say "that's nowt
fresh," but beggin' for pardon this is summat fresh. Yo'll happen think
'at awve been bettin' at Donkeystir Races, or 'at awve been bun for a
chap in a money club, or 'at awve bowt a share in a manufacturin'
company, limited, or 'at awve started th' newspaper business, or takken
a hotel, or 'at awve joined th' Mormons, or 'at awve getten into a law
suit. But whichivver yo'd guessed yo'd be sewer to be 'wrang. All awve
been tryin' to do has been to act as a peeace makker, an if awd carried
it on for onny length o' time, aw should ha been made into sich a lot o'
pieces misen 'at it wod ha takken a besom to sweep me up.

Just anent awr haase lives a old cross-grained chap 'at's getten wed to
a varry nice lass, an' as he's a bit o' brass an' shoo's a lump o'
beauty, yo'd think they should live together as happy as two turtle
doves. But awm sooary to say 'at sich isn't th' case, for they generally
get up abaat hawf-past eight an have a feight befoor nine. Awm a varry
tender-hearted sooart ov a customer, an awm sewer it's monny a time made
mi heart bleed to see an hear ther goins on. Somehah or other awd allus
sided wi th' wife, tho' aw nivver knew what th' rows have been abaat, an
ov coorse soa long as they kept 'em i' ther own haase aw couldn't
interfere. But t'other day, abaat a wick sin, they wor gooin it war an
war, an shoo coom runnin' into th' street wi her hair all daan an her
gaon ommost riven off her back, an he rushed aght after her wi a
umbrella in his hand, strikin' at her reight an left, all all shoo had
to protect hersen wi wor th' rollin' pin. Thinks aw to misen, this
sooart o' thing has gooan far enuff, an as awd just been readin' abaat
th' "atrocities," aw fancied misen England an him Turkey an her a poor
Bulgarian, an aw determined awr wodn't see a poor inoffensive young
woman ill-treated bi a brute like that, soa just as he wor gettin' ready
to strike her daan into th' eearth, aw stept behund him an planted mi
naive at th' back ov his ear, an he rolled ovver like a skittle pin.
Just as he fell awd an idea 'at awd been struck wi leetnin or else ther
wor an eearthquake, for a summat dropped onto mi heead wi sich a foorce
'at aw saw some oth grandest fireworks awd ivver seen, an aw sat daan wi
sich a bang 'at awm sewer aw must ha left mi impression pratty deep
somewhear. When aw began to collect mi scattered thowts aw saw her
standin' ovver me quaverin' th' rollin' pin aboon mi heead to prevent
onnybody hittin' me ageean. When aw gate up aw began to reason wi misen
as to what had been to do, an aw couldn't help thinkin' 'at that rollin'
pin hed summat to do wi th' lump o' mi heead. Aw felt sooary then 'at
awd been soa rash as to knock th' old chap daan, an aw went to beg his
pardon an sympathise wi him.

"Shoo's a shocker," he sed, "ther's nubdy knows what aw have to put up
wi. Shoo ill-uses me throo morn to neet, an awm feeard o' mi life." Just
then shoo made a dash at him as if shood made up her mind to knock his
heead cleean off, soa aw catched hold ov her arm an gave her a swing
raand 'at landed her just abaat th' same spot 'at awd left a minit
befoor. Aw dooant know whether ivver yo've been hit at top oth heead wi
a old-fashioned umbrella or net, but if yo have, yo know it's nooan a
varry pleasant thing, for it seems to strike you i' three or four places
at once. Whether th' owd chap hit me in a mistak or he did it o' purpose
awve niver had th' chance to find aght, for things seem'd to get a gooid
deeal mixt just abaat that that time, an all aw know is 'at awve been i'
bed for ommost a wick, an awm soa stiff yet wol aw can hardly stir. One
hawf o' mi heead is covered wi stickin' plaister, an awm covered wi
black an blue marks throo mi neck to mi knees. As aw sit at th' winder
suppin' mi gruel, aw can hear th' rows gooin on across th' street just
as usual, an if they keep at it wol aw interfere agean they willn't have
to drop it just yet, for it's towt me 'at it's best to let fowk feight
ther own battles, for when it's nobbut one to one they've booath a
chonce, but when it's two to one it's vary oft rough for th' one.
.