Freedom versus Free Things

Greetings.

I am the United States Government, and I am here to give you free
things.

One of the free things I am giving you is health care. Health care is
the right of every resident of the United States, whether that
residency is in violation of our laws or not. This right is not one
of the God-given rights enumerated in the Constitution. Instead, it
is a right, because I say it is.

Of course, free things are free only in the sense that somebody else,
not you, has to pay for them. Therefore, some will object, saying
that there are hidden costs that are passed on to you. Don’t listen
to them. These free gifts of the government are free. I say so.

When I give you something for free, I have a right to expect several
things from you. First, you should be grateful. To me. For, without
me, you have no rights, and no free things. Remember this when
election time comes. If you vote for those other guys, they will take
away what is rightfully yours. (Why do you think I give you free
things?)

Second, you should not abuse the things I give you. Most of you are
not intelligent enough, nor responsible enough, to know how to use
your rights. Don’t worry about that. I am here. I will tell you how
to exercise your government-given rights, and I will tell you how to
use the free things I give you.

For example, when you exercise your right to free, government
regulated health care, you must not violate the rights of your fellow
citizens by refusing to pay for their abortions, their birth control,
their sex-change surgeries, or any other of their vitally necessary
medical procedures.

Your opinion of these procedures may differ. You may not think that
they are necessary. You may not agree that you have an obligation to
pay for these free services for others. Such bigoted attitudes have
no place in a free society. And we are a free society, that is to
say, a society of free things.

Some have opined that when insurance companies are required to pay for
free services, they will pass the costs on to people who neither use
nor condone these free services. That is voodoo economics. If I say
something is free, then it is free. Period.

Third and last, when I give you something for free, I have the right
to decide who gets how much of these free services. As it says in the
Bible and in the Constitution, “From each according to his abilities,
to each according to his needs.” I will decide who is able, and who
is needy. Those who are needy are those who will support me to
continue in power. Those who are able are the greedy oppressors who
make the goods and perform the services that I give you for free.

Some nitpickers will deny that this quote is not in the Bible, and not
in the Constitution. To them I reply, maybe not yet.

Sincerely,
The Government
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