Talking to God

from http://miltshook.com

Talking to God

by Milt Shook



I only play the lottery when the jackpot is over $150 million. There
is really no point to playing it when the jackpot is less than that.
Also, I refuse to spend more than $5 at a time on tickets. These
thresholds were not my own choices, of course. I spoke to the Lord a
few years back, when the threshold was only $100 million and the
dollar limit was $10, and He told me that He probably wouldn't let me
win the lottery at all, but he most certainly wouldn't let me win when
I wasted my money like that. He told me the only money I would likely
receive in my lifetime would be money I earned by working my ass off.
(And yes, he used the word "ass." That surprised me, too, but in all
of my discussions with him, God is actually quite earthy in his tone;
once, I actually had to ask him to stop using certain language around
my young nephew. He just laughed, however, and advised me that they
were only words, and that those who claim He had a problem with them
are talking out of their asses, because He really doesn't care.) He
told me to take special note of the types of people who win those
jackpots, and asked me if I really wanted to be like them. When I said
yes and called Him a selfish ***, He smited me -- it was just a
minor smite, mind you, on my ***, nothing serious -- so I apologized
and immediately adjusted my lottery spending habits.



He was right, though; I still haven't won a damn thing, and every
dollar I have was earned through sweat.



I've had quite a few conversations with Him, you know, and you can't
prove I haven't. God is actually very engaging, and He quite often
tells me exactly what I want to hear. For example, He told me that
every single one of those greedy idiots spewing right wing crap on the
radio would be on the fast track to Hell once their time on Earth
expired; if the government wasn't going to do anything to stop them
from screaming such hate, they would pay later on. He also told me
that all of those so-called "Christian" preachers who live in mansions
while taking money from people on fixed incomes, as well as those who
imply that people who vote for the "wrong" candidates are going to be
very surprised when they reach Judgment Day. He told me straight up
that his son Jesus was a liberal, and sided more with liberal causes
than conservative, and that many so-called "Christians" were heading
straight for eternal damnation because they tended to worship the
unborn at the expense of those already here. He said that He has a
higher regard for honest atheists than hypocrites who go to church
every week and wear their Christianity on their sleeves, while
spitting on their religion the rest of the week. In reality, He hates
religion, anyway; He only allows it because it seems to make people
feel better about Him. He's really not the ogre so many religious
people make him out to be.



He and I agree on almost every issue; isn't that amazing? Just last
week, He told me that He was pro-choice, His reasoning being that
government should never take the place of individual conscience. I
thought that was a hell of an argument, frankly; the same one I've
been making for years. He is also in favor of a massive expansion of
welfare payments to poor single mothers, because those with the means
to help are supposed to help those without. He dismissed as inane the
argument that charities were supposed to take care of that sort of
thing; He doesn't care how it gets done, as long as it gets done. He
also told me that He thought the rich should pay much higher taxes
than everyone else, because He had repeatedly admonished those who
were blessed to bless others, after all. He said it was the working
class who propped up most societies, and that, when Jesus told that
story about rich men and camels and needles, he meant an actual
needle, and the story was not at all hypothetical. He also told me
that serious gun control was just common sense; while it's true that
guns don't kill people, people do, man kill people using guns. He
thinks gay people should be allowed to get married and adopt children,
and that he doesn't care about premarital sex or any of that. He
laughed about that one, actually, and asked me why I thought He made
sex fun and made it so that women would only get pregnant about every
tenth time they had sex? He thought the obsession that most Christians
have with sex is just silly; He had too many other things to worry
about, such as the fact that half the people in the world were
starving and that humans were screwing up the climate faster than He
had ever anticipated. He also told me that we humans are causing
global warming; not only should we stop burning fossil fuels, but we
should also stop raising so many cows and chickens, and start eating
other animals, like rats and squirrels, because the excrement the cows
and chickens produced was doing a lot of damage, as well. (He actually
used the scatological term for excrement, as well. I told you; he
curses like a sailor.)



He also told me who will win the next twenty Super Bowls, but warned
me that he would smite me a little harder next time should I use the
information to bet with. Who knows whether or not He's pulling my leg,
though, because He told me He does like to yank people's chains at
times. For instance, He told me that Paris Hilton would someday win an
Oscar, and that Mel Gibson would find redemption on a kibbutz. Most of
the things he tells Pat Robertson are pure garbage, but he likes to
mess with people like Pat, because they're gullible enough to repeat
what He says. That God sure is a practical joker, that's for sure.



You know what's funny? A large number of people will read this and be
skeptical. They will declare that what I wrote above is sacrilege, and
that I should be punished somehow. They will condemn me and quite
ironically insist that I'm heading straight for Hell for mocking the
Lord. They will call me all sorts of names, and boycott my novel, and
put my web page on some sort of list. And it will all be based on
their belief that what I'm repeating here can't possibly be true, can
it? Would God actually use bad words, and support liberal causes?
According to many, the answer is no. But you have to ask this
question; what makes me any less credible than all of those other
people who claim to speak to God and who claim to know exactly what he
thinks?



And don't even begin to cite "Scripture" to me. There is a hell of a
lot more support in the Bible for the things God told me, than there
is for most of the outrageous claims people on the right make in His
name. In fact, I hereby propose that progressives start talking to
God, so that we can get the straight poop and report it immediately.
If we're going to compete with the right, we should do so on their
turf, right? This is what God told me, and I can prove it just as well
as those who claim Christian authority for the policies they push down
our throats.



I'm telling the truth, and there's no way you can prove I'm not.



You still don't believe me, do you? Well, why don't you believe me?
The fact that God told me all of the above is no less plausible than
when He supposedly speaks to others and tells them to discriminate
against people because He supposedly doesn't like some of their life
choices. You don't believe me, because according to what many of you
were taught about God doesn't coincide with what I have learned about
God throughout my life.



And therein lies the basic premise for the separation of church and
state, and why the Founding Fathers were so adamant about making sure
they stayed separate.



You see, I can believe God told me all of the above if I want.
Likewise, Pat Robertson can believe that God gives him the inside dope
on who will be mass-murdered this coming year, and he even has the
right to believe that using slave labor to mine diamonds to support a
television empire is doing the work of the Lord if he's like. We live
in a free country, in which everyone has the right to believe whatever
sense or nonsense he or she can conceive in his or her mind.



But when George W. Bush believes that God told him to send troops into
Iraq to destabilize the Middle East, and he uses that alleged dialogue
in his public role as President of the United States, resulting in
hundreds of thousands of deaths, we have a problem, don't we? To you
on the right; please be honest for once. That is a serious problem. If
George Bush is allowed to send soldiers to war based on his alleged
interactions with God, then where does it stop?



The real reason so many politicians cite God as their source for
really bad policy is because they know that invoking the name of God
stifles debate. People won't question politicians when God is cited as
a source, because they are taught that God may strike them down for
doing so. There's a reason why the religious establishment has spent
the last 2000 years cultivating "fear of the Lord" as a major tenet of
Christianity; it keeps people in line, because they're told that
certain people have a direct line to the deity, and they alone know
what God thinks.



Well, I'm here to tell you, they're all full of crap, folks. They
don't know any more about God than you or I; they just know how to
manipulate the spirituality of the masses for their own personal gain.
And make no mistake; that's what these people are doing, folks. Go to
your Bible and read about "false prophets;" the New Testament talks
about them at length, if you would bother to read it.



The United States Constitution forbids a religious test for office.
What that means is twofold. First, it means that we cannot qualify or
disqualify a candidate for office based on his or her religious
leanings, not matter what we think of them. But it also means that
those running for office are forbidden from making religious
proclamations on the stump. Why is that? Because when one candidate
cites his religious faith, it creates a religious test for anyone
running against him or her, which is a violation of the Constitution.



Add that to the First Amendment, which prevents the government from
even addressing religious issues in any way, shape or form, and the
separation of church and state is absolutely crystal clear to anyone
who bothers to think about it a little. Candidates are forbidden from
addressing religion, and once elected, they are forbidden from
addressing religion. The public sphere is religion-free, and should
be.



You see, there is no problem with believing in God, or adhering to a
particular faith, and I would never suggest such a thing. But there
are two facts of life at play whenever you bring spirituality or
religion into public discourse. The first one is that religion is very
personal, and it's unusual for two people to agree on how their faith
should be expressed. Ever see a Jew eat bacon, or do you know
Catholics who are on the pill? There are seeming contradictions all
over the place, and you can argue whether they are right or wrong, but
any answer to that dilemma is subjective, and all public policy must
at least try to be objective. It is not possible to be objective when
you are basing everything you do on your personal religious belief.



Whenever I hear a politician being praised for acting upon "his
beliefs," I cringe mightily. We don't elect these people to be our
pastors or our shrinks; we elect them to run the government; a
government that represents every single person residing in it,or even
passing through it. We elect them to look at the state of the region,
state or country, and act in the best interest of all concerned,
regardless of personal belief. Put it this way; if you lived in Maine,
and your Congressman went to Washington and developed an affinity for
all things California, and based every vote on his personal belief
that California was the best state in the union, you would probably
replace him, as well you should. Well, imagine you're a member of one
religion, while everything your Congressman does is based on his
personal belief in another religion that you don't believe in. That is
no different.



The public is the public. Politicians swear a solemn oath to uphold
the Constitution -- a Constitution that forbids that politician from
inserting his personal belief system into the political process, and
we should hold them to that, starting now. And make no mistake;
despite the recent self-righteous garbage surrounding Congressman
Keith Ellison, who wanted to use his Koran for swearing his oath in
ceremony only, politicians are NOT sworn into office on holy books of
any kind. I suggested to a friend of mine that he be sworn in to his
state office on a copy of Catch-22, because it truly fits nowadays. He
took a pass, but I still think it was a good idea. It doesn't matter
what book someone uses, because it's the oath that matters. And it's
time we forced our politicians to take that entire oath seriously.



I just received a message from God. He says I'm absolutely right, and
He wants religion removed from the public arena now, or he'll be doing
some serious smiting very soon. Therefore, I'd advise you to consider
it. Failure to do so could mean you'll suffer the same fate as Pat
Robertson when you die, and that would not be a good thing. Anyway,
that's what He told me.



And you can't prove I'm wrong.

Milt Shook
Author of the political satire, Talent on Loan
http://miltshook.com

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