Re: I need help dealing with the inevitable

Jane wrote:
On Apr 28, 8:39 pm, High Miles <2Blue...@xxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:
Evelyn Ruut wrote:
"Jane" <googlemail2...@xxxxxxxxx> wrote in message
news:b4d8a65b-44f2-4c43-a0e2-aeb3f7661b0d@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I'm having a very hard timing dealing with my husband's mortality.
We have been married 23 years. We are as much in love today as we
were 23 years ago. We are incredibly lucky to have found each other.
We are truly soul mates.
He is 78 and I am 63. He has lots of medical issues. Since November
we've been dealing with a partially collapsed lung. He's been through
so many tests and doctor visits that he's ready to call it quits. He
has a procedure scheduled next week that should give us some real
answers. The good thing is that lung cancer has pretty much been
ruled out. However, all the medications and procedures are taking
their toll and he is getting exhausted and old before my eyes. He
also has heart and kidney issues, but nothing that cannot be
controlled so far.
For the first time since we were married I seem to be dwelling on the
fact that we may not have many more years together. It makes me sad
and it spoils the todays that we do have.
I don't know what to do. I am not religious. I wish that I was since
I know it is a wonderful comfort, but I just don't believe. I can't
imagine living without him. I am basically a very independent person
but not when it comes to our marriage.
What can I do to get out of this funk?
Jane, I can see that one day I might also be in the same boat, as every
couple has to face the probability that one may go first and the other
remain.
My first advice would be to rely on whatever spiritual beliefs you find
to be of comfort, but that is only the beginning. Understand that
every living being, one day dies. We are all ultimately alone, whether
we realize it or not.
Don't cross this bridge before you come to it. He's here today in spite
of all the illness, and spoiling your today worrying about tomorrow will
be self defeating, and quite unkind to both of you. Also, he may rally
and improve for a while yet. He wouldn't be the first person to do that.
My father is 95 just now, and he has been through some difficulties in
the past years that might have taken others, but somehow he survived.
Absolutely no one knows for sure when they or their spouse will die.
My dad never thought he'd outlive my mother, but it has been 8 years
since she passed.
I think it is very wise to consider that the future may hold a different
dynamic, and to realize it might be difficult for you, but certainly not
to let it rule you or create fears. I would say that going for some
counseling NOW might be a good thing for you, before what you fear
actually occurs.
There is a tremendous amount of choice in what we allow to rule us, to
torture our thoughts. So few realize that simple fact. It would be a
great blessing if you were to come to that understanding, and to refuse
to give head-room to out-of-control, unhappy, fearsome thoughts......
but at the same time, to realistically prepare for a probability that
will most likely occur someday.
I wish you strength and peace, and I hope your husband recovers to enjoy
some quality time yet.
As a several time widow, I can attest that this is excellent advice.
Losing a spouse does not mean the end of a woman's life - merely a change.
Whether you find another companion or make a new life on your own,
there is still a great deal to live for and enjoy.
A man doesn't take your life with him when he dies - unless you insist.

"A man doesn't take your life with him when he dies - unless you insist"

That's wonderful! Is this an original quote?

Yup - and based on my experiences and those of women I've observed.
It's the widow who determines what her life will be ..............after.

I suppose we feel that nobody else has the kind of relationship that
we have - that is to still be in love after so many years. We are
together every day, all day and it only gets better. It's not the
first marriage for either of us which makes us appreciate what we have
all the more.

A very hard loss indeed. Perhaps a once in a lifetime relationship.

It's ridiculous for us to feel that nobody else has felt that way and
managed to endure the loss.

Actually I do believe that time heals. I'm more concerned with the
present and my inability to enjoy the now without worrying about the
future.

Well now you know. Let it slide. Worry today won't change a thing.
But it sure as hell can sour today.

I've gotten some wonderful advice here and I think I'm getting better.

Thank you so much
.

Relevant Pages

  • Re: I need help dealing with the inevitable
    ... "Jane" wrote in message ... >> I'm having a very hard timing dealing with my husband's mortality. ... Losing a spouse does not mean the end of a woman's life - merely a change. ... A man doesn't take your life with him when he dies - unless you insist. ...
    (soc.senior.issues)
  • Re: I need help dealing with the inevitable
    ... I think it is very wise to consider that the future may hold a different dynamic, and to realize it might be difficult for you, but certainly not to let it rule you or create fears. ... Losing a spouse does not mean the end of a woman's life - merely a change. ... A man doesn't take your life with him when he dies - unless you insist. ...
    (soc.senior.issues)
  • Re: I need help dealing with the inevitable
    ... Jane, I can see that one day I might also be in the same boat, as every couple has to face the probability that one may go first and the other remain. ... one day dies. ... I think it is very wise to consider that the future may hold a different dynamic, and to realize it might be difficult for you, but certainly not to let it rule you or create fears. ...
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    ... and whatever else is going on in my life - my Mother still ... > <Jane replies in a plaintive, tired voice, already agitated by this ... > "Ditto, Mom." ... > and I'm trying to deal with them on my own because my Mother won't, ...
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  • Re: I need help dealing with the inevitable
    ... we've been dealing with a partially collapsed lung. ... Losing a spouse does not mean the end of a woman's life - merely a change. ... A man doesn't take your life with him when he dies - unless you insist. ... It's ridiculous for us to feel that nobody else has felt that way and ...
    (soc.senior.issues)