Re: I need help dealing with the inevitable

Evelyn Ruut wrote:
"Jane" <googlemail2003@xxxxxxxxx> wrote in message news:b4d8a65b-44f2-4c43-a0e2-aeb3f7661b0d@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I'm having a very hard timing dealing with my husband's mortality.

We have been married 23 years. We are as much in love today as we
were 23 years ago. We are incredibly lucky to have found each other.
We are truly soul mates.

He is 78 and I am 63. He has lots of medical issues. Since November
we've been dealing with a partially collapsed lung. He's been through
so many tests and doctor visits that he's ready to call it quits. He
has a procedure scheduled next week that should give us some real
answers. The good thing is that lung cancer has pretty much been
ruled out. However, all the medications and procedures are taking
their toll and he is getting exhausted and old before my eyes. He
also has heart and kidney issues, but nothing that cannot be
controlled so far.

For the first time since we were married I seem to be dwelling on the
fact that we may not have many more years together. It makes me sad
and it spoils the todays that we do have.

I don't know what to do. I am not religious. I wish that I was since
I know it is a wonderful comfort, but I just don't believe. I can't
imagine living without him. I am basically a very independent person
but not when it comes to our marriage.

What can I do to get out of this funk?


Jane, I can see that one day I might also be in the same boat, as every couple has to face the probability that one may go first and the other remain.

My first advice would be to rely on whatever spiritual beliefs you find to be of comfort, but that is only the beginning. Understand that every living being, one day dies. We are all ultimately alone, whether we realize it or not.

Don't cross this bridge before you come to it. He's here today in spite of all the illness, and spoiling your today worrying about tomorrow will be self defeating, and quite unkind to both of you. Also, he may rally and improve for a while yet. He wouldn't be the first person to do that.

My father is 95 just now, and he has been through some difficulties in the past years that might have taken others, but somehow he survived. Absolutely no one knows for sure when they or their spouse will die. My dad never thought he'd outlive my mother, but it has been 8 years since she passed.

I think it is very wise to consider that the future may hold a different dynamic, and to realize it might be difficult for you, but certainly not to let it rule you or create fears. I would say that going for some counseling NOW might be a good thing for you, before what you fear actually occurs.

There is a tremendous amount of choice in what we allow to rule us, to torture our thoughts. So few realize that simple fact. It would be a great blessing if you were to come to that understanding, and to refuse to give head-room to out-of-control, unhappy, fearsome thoughts...... but at the same time, to realistically prepare for a probability that will most likely occur someday.

I wish you strength and peace, and I hope your husband recovers to enjoy some quality time yet.

As a several time widow, I can attest that this is excellent advice.
Losing a spouse does not mean the end of a woman's life - merely a change.
Whether you find another companion or make a new life on your own,
there is still a great deal to live for and enjoy.
A man doesn't take your life with him when he dies - unless you insist.

.

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