Thought you all might enjoy this as much as I did.....LOL

A WEEK AT THE GYM

Dear Diary,

For my sixtieth birthday this year, my daughter Rachel (the dear)
purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high
school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer
named Belinda, a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter
seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my
progress.


MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but
found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with
blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my
workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching
from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is
going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!


TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then she
put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.


WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a Geo in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my
screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning; and when she scolds, she gets this
nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt
when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
stair 'monster'. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some
other *** too.


THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in
the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.


FRIDAY :
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever
hated any other human being in the history of the world.
Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with
it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The
treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?


SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made
me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching
eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.


SUNDAY :

I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
daughter Rachel (the little ***) will choose a gift for me that is
fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!




--
Best Regards,

Evelyn

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