THE WORLD NEEDS TO LEARN THIS...




Research has shown that love comes in several different forms or styles. For
the most part, people experience love as a blend of two or three of the
styles listed below.

Styles of Love:
Eros - some people experience love with a lot of passion, intimacy and
intensity. Love based on Eros has a strong sexual and emotional component.
People who experience love this way want to be emotionally and physically
close to their romantic partners and they tend to idealize love. Such love
is marked by passion as well as compassion (kindness and consideration).

Ludus - some people experience love as a game to be played with other
people's emotions. The goal or desire is to gain control over a partner
through manipulation. People who experience love as Ludus like to have
multiple love interests where they are in complete control. Lying, cheating
and deception are common for people who experience love as Ludus - it's all
part of the game.

Storge - some people experience love as a gradual and slow process. When
love is based on Storge, getting to know someone comes before having intense
feelings for that person. Love based on Storge takes time, it requires
genuine liking and understanding of a partner, and it develops slowly over
time. Love based on Storge is often compared to the love that one has for a
friend.

Agape - some people experience love as caregiving. Love is the
overwhelming desire to want to take care of a partner - a parental or
nurturing type of love.

Mania - some people experience love as being out of control. Love is an
overwhelming experience; it turns one's life upside down and it results in a
complete loss of one's identity. Love based on Mania is crazy, impulsive,
needy, and short lived. People who experience love as Mania fall in love
quickly, but their love tends to consume them. Their love also tends to
burnout before it gets the chance to mature. Such love is often marked by
extreme delusion.

Pragma - some people take a practical approach to love. Love is not crazy,
intense, or out of control. Love is based on common sense and reason. People
who experience love as Pragma tend to pick a suitable mate the way most
other people make serious life decisions: picking a partner is based on
careful consideration and reason.


Finally, it is interesting to note that individuals who experience love as
Mania often fall victim to people who experience love as Ludus.

And the love styles listed above have also been linked to one's style of
attachment (see, attachment styles). Secure individuals tend to experience
love as a combination of Eros and Agape, Anxious individuals as Mania, and
Dismissing individuals as Ludus.


Attachment Styles, or Comfort with Intimacy, Influence How People Behave
When trying to make sense of our close relationships, it also helps to
understand how people form romantic attachments to each other.

To begin with, people differ in their comfort with intimacy in a very
predictable manner.

Different Styles of Attachment

Briefly, the way we form an attachment to our romantic partners is based
upon the kind of care we received as an infant. And as infants, we typically
form an attachment to our primary caregiver, in one of three ways.

Please note, this page draws on the work of Bartholomew, Bowlby, Shaver and
Hazan's work on attachment styles and Cole and Leet's review of research on
attachment styles.

As Children
When caregivers are consistently available and responsive, infants form a
secure style of attachment (also see, Ainsworth). By and large, secure
children feel safe and comfortable, and are able to explore and develop new
skills with minimal anxiety or concern.

When caregivers are inconsistent or overly protective, however, infants
form an anxious or preoccupied attachment to the person primarily
responsible for their care. Anxious or preoccupied children monitor their
caregivers more closely, attempt to stay by their caregiver's side and
respond more dramatically when in trouble. Anxious children are simply more
fearful and less confident than infants who are securely attached.

Finally, if caregivers are neglectful, infants are likely to develop a
dismissing style of attachment. Dismissing children show few signs of
needing their caregivers, they do not spend a lot of time trying to get
their caregiver's attention, and they do their best to cope with problems on
their own.

As Adults
When we fall in love as an adult, the style of attachment formed as an
infant influences how we treat our romantic partners.

People who formed a secure attachment to their caregivers tend to form a
secure attachment to the person they love.

Individuals with a secure style of attachment have more satisfying and
longer lasting relationships. Secure individuals are comfortable being close
to their partners. They are comfortable having someone depend on them just
as they are comfortable being dependent on another individual. Being more
trusting, open, and understanding, they approach problems and issues that
may arise with their partners in a constructive manner.

People who formed an anxious or preoccupied attachment as an infant, by
comparison, are more likely to be preoccupied with their relationships as an
adult. Anxious or preoccupied adults are constantly worried and anxious
about their love life - they crave and desperately need intimacy - but, they
never stop questioning their partner's love ("do you really love me?").
Anxious individuals are concerned that their partners will leave them. These
adults are obsessed with their relationships and everything that happens in
them. They rarely feel completely loved and they experience extreme
emotional highs and lows. One minute their romantic partner can make their
day by showing them the smallest level of interest and the next minute they
are worried that their partner doesn't care about them. Overall, anxiously
attached individuals are hard to satisfy; you can't love them enough, or be
close enough to them, and they constantly monitor their relationships for
problems. Ironically, their need for love, makes it easy for anxious
individuals to be taken advantage of when it comes to love and romance,
which in the long run can create even more suspicion and doubt.

Finally, people who had a dismissing style of attachment as an infant are
likely to form a dismissing attachment to their romantic partners. As
adults, dismissing individuals are uncomfortable with intimacy - they
actually fear it. They do not like it when people get close, and they don't
like being dependent on a partner or having someone be dependent on them.
Dismissing individuals tend not to trust others, and they are more
self-sufficient, cynical, and independent in nature. They are less likely to
fall deeply in love and need a lot less affection and intimacy. Dismissing
individuals are more apt to put their time into their careers, hobbies, and
activities than their relationships. They also get easily annoyed with their
relational partners and often display negative feelings and hostility toward
their loved ones.
Attachment Styles Influence How We React

Knowing if you have a secure, anxious/preoccupied or dismissing style of
attachment is important because it influences what happens in our romantic
relationships.

It influences how people think, feel, and behave. Almost every relational
behavior from jealousy to infidelity to deception is influenced by one's
attachment style.

The following example shows how important attachment styles can be:
Imagine that you are engaged and that your fiancé is going out with his or
her friends for the evening. Your fiancé says that he or she will be home by
midnight and that he or she will give you a call at that time.

Now, imagine that you have a secure attachment style and it is after 1a.m.
and you notice that the phone hasn't rung. You are probably thinking that
all is well, your fiancé is out having fun and he or she will call you in
the morning - no big deal.

Now, imagine that you have an anxious or preoccupied style of attachment.
The exact same scenario - its 1a.m. and the phone hasn't rung. What's going
through your mind and how are you dealing with the situation? How many times
have you checked your phone to make sure it is working or how many times
have you thought about calling your fiancé? Maybe you've even decided to go
out and track him or her down.

Finally, consider what a person with a dismissing style of attachment
would be experiencing. Do you even notice the phone hasn't rung? Probably
not.

Now, let's fast forward to the next morning. Your fiancé calls early in
the morning.

How would a secure individual respond? As a securely attached individual
you are pleased to hear from your fiancé and would probably ask "What
happened last night?" And as a secure person, you are most likely to be
satisfied with the explanation that is given.

As an anxious/preoccupied person, however, you will be a complete wreck,
having been up all night imagining the worst and most likely plotting some
sort of way to get even. By the time the phone finally rings, your anger and
frustration can't help but show, whether through sulking or putting your
fiancé on the defensive by asking accusatory questions ("How could you do
that? Where were you? Who were you with? Why didn't you call when you said
you would?").

Finally, as a dismissing individual you will probably be wondering why
your fiancé is bothering to call so early in the morning - "What do you
want?"

Simply put, people don't see the world as it is, rather we impose our
beliefs on what we experience.

It helps to understand how we form attachments to romantic partners because
our style of attachment influences so much of what happens in our close
relationships.

For instance, anxious/preoccupied individuals are more likely to experience
jealousy, while dismissing individuals are much less likely to do so.
Anxious/preoccupied individuals are more likely to engage in too much
self-disclosure, while dismissing individuals try not to reveal things about
themselves. Anxious/preoccupied individuals are overly eager to make
relational commitments while dismissing individuals are uncomfortable doing
so.




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