Re: Struggling Americans Forced To Work Extra-Dimensional 4th Shift
- From: mg <mgkelson@xxxxxxxxx>
- Date: Tue, 4 Nov 2008 15:21:09 -0800 (PST)
On Nov 3, 6:54 pm, Jim Higgins <gordian...@xxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:
Struggling Americans Forced To Work Extra-Dimensional 4th Shifthttp://www..theonion.com/content/news/struggling_americans_forced_to
CINCINNATI—According to a report released Monday by the U.S. Department
of Labor, skyrocketing consumer prices coupled with stagnant wages have
forced many Americans to work a fourth shift in another dimension in
order to make ends meet.
The extra-dimensional shift, which occurs on a time axis at right angles
to that of normal reality, allows American workers to supplement their
incomes, while still maintaining the morning, afternoon, and overnight
shifts they need in order to stave off bankruptcy.
"The maximum 24 hours of possible work time offered by our plane of
existence is simply not enough to provide a living wage in the current
economic climate," Labor Secretary Elaine Chao wrote in a letter
introducing the report. "These difficult circumstances have compelled 76
percent of the American workforce to seek additional hours in an
alternate space-time dimension, where more competitive pay can help them
to avoid years of crippling debt."
Many cash-strapped citizens such as Glenn Vernacini, a master welder at
the GE aviation plant in Evendale, OH, have welcomed the opportunity to
pad their income by working extra shifts in lateral time, only to return
at the exact same moment they left. Vernacini, however, admitted that
his regular trips to the alternate universe have taken their toll.
"It's hard, but what other option do I have?" Vernacini said. "Having
every atom in my body split and retranslated into a different form of
matter just to make a few extra bucks isn't exactly my idea of fun, but
my family needs to eat."
"I age an extra eight hours every time I work the fourth shift, and it's
really starting to wear me down," Vernacini continued. "And having to
buy a new shirt every time my body is flattened out to 4,000 times its
usual surface area is one more strain on my budget that I don't need."
Some businesses have already installed a rip in the space-time continuum
in their break-room areas so that employees can report for work in the
other dimension as soon as their Earth shifts end. People who regularly
work the fourth shift have reported that the tasks they perform are more
or less exactly the same as during their other shifts, though they have
to contend with frequent plasma storms and occasionally meet themselves
leaving for one shift as they arrive for another, which can be demoralizing.
"The worst part about my job in the other dimension is trying to digest
the silica-based food product they serve in the cafeteria," said Thomas
Kinney, a line inspector who takes on a fourth shift three days a week
at the Coca-Cola bottling plant in alternate Atlanta, GA. "It's probably
the most painful part of working a fourth shift. That, and not getting
to see my kids grow up."
People across the country have reported similar problems associated with
working extra hours in another dimension. The biggest complaint arises
from the fact that work time continues in the fourth shift when the
employee is not working there. This often results in workers arriving to
find that they are far behind in their labor and have to stay longer in
the alternate dimension in order to catch up.
"This is just another big 'screw you' to hardworking Americans," said
single mother Laura Tanner, who often works concurrent fourth shifts as
both a cashier at an area Citgo station and a nursing home caregiver.
"Did you know my employer doesn't cover my health insurance while I'm in
the other realm? And just yesterday I arrived at my alternate work and,
looking at the schedule, discovered that I had somehow convinced myself
to pick up my own fourth shift the following evening. What am I supposed
to do about that?"
An economic stimulus package from the other plane of existence is
expected to provide some relief to those who work the extra-dimensional
shift. However, most American workers remain skeptical that the plan
will provide any real help, as it is slated to arrive just after it is
spent.
--
Civis Romanus Sum
I used to have a good friend. (Unfortunately he was a Republican, but
he was still a good friend :). He used to say that expenditures always
rise to meet income. So, presumably, if we had one extra-dimensional,
4th shift and someone discovered an additional dimension, expenditures
would rise accordingly.
Having said that, I should also note, though, that Republicans are
extremely adept at helping to make middle class expenditures go while
keeping income down.
.
- References:
- Struggling Americans Forced To Work Extra-Dimensional 4th Shift
- From: Jim Higgins
- Struggling Americans Forced To Work Extra-Dimensional 4th Shift
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