Diary...Hendry.


The inexistent relationship with the family turned me into an orphan in

'96 [(In my indefensibility, I came to experience something: There
are people who take advantage of the vulnerable and indefensible state
that one assumes, who then proceed to intimidate one, or create this
state/collective circle against one so as to destroy one's image (in
my situation, by members of the one's whom i considered to be my own
family then). In the acknowledgment that such person finds themselves

in a state of vulnerability (with the knowledge that I did not have the

support of any member of the one's whom I considered to be
family)...that is not love.], coming to make myself believe that such
(among others) support existed (a fantasy in itself, when the reality
of it was its own inexistence). A relationship in which, while living
in the same city, they did not even inquire as to whether i was dead or

alive (unless i called them to see how they were doing. A result of
which I came to fall in a specific state of feeling a great hatred
towards myself and resulting in my own cursing myself in a false manner

and believing it and cursing this force of love that I felt towards my
person. As someone of whom never in Canada would someone ever say
about my person that I have ever defended my person in a physically
violent manner. Never..In fact when at a gym, focus on self so much to
the point of ignoring/forgetting who is around me altogether- for this
same reason: the strength that is within me, I have never used it- my
own hands to inflict in a deliberate violent manner harm upon someone
else, never.). Thus I became an orphan (years later, in the
acknowledgment that it was me who made myself believe that such support

existed- when it was my own desire for such to exist- when the
evidence/reality of it, that such did not exist was plain, I came to
enter into a state of feeling hatred toward my own self, feeling
unwanted by them (the memories of my beginnings- a humble village and a

humble family home in Guatemala- albeit a tremendous atheist influence
received from the one whom God placed as father over my life- which
came to manifest itself at the age of 16, when I decided to stop
altogether to go to a church, as I saw no reason for such anymore-
having gone to church up until this age, but not having understood the
reason or purpose until then, apart from having until then, attended a
church as a duty as a son, to be obedient and gone out of this
obedience as a social activity.) and yet feeling that this whole time
out of stubborness i had forced myself to believe in a support that did

not exist. I came to in such state not even believe in my own gender,
and with the click of a button share invented things about my own
person (and lacked courtesy in such action- idiocy and informality, the

action taken to have written in the first place then in my hurtful
vulnerable state- having done such in these sporadic periods of
unemployment in '01 and '03- still in school. The result of such
action, I came to find out that this results in my life: I have come
to find myself in situations in which what is being emmitted from my
mouth in that moment is not being listened to, but rather, in that
moment in which from my mouth communication is "coming out", it is
being sought in what box/category to place me into by the person to
whom I am directing my words to. To such extreme that I have proven it
myself sadly, in asking such person, to please repeat what my lips have

just said, and such person cannot, why? because during that specific
time/moment in which words were "coming out" of my mouth, it was
not being paid attention to, but rather it was being sought- by that
person, in which box/category to put me into.). Things which never
occurred, ie.: including things to do with the Internet- when the only
place where I accessed it in those years was at school.)


Embedded in a huge debt with the federal government now


There are people who take advantage of the vulnerable and indefensible
state that one assumes, so as to seek to intimidate one, or create this

state/collective circle against one, Came to personally experience as a

the taking advantage to seek to how to curse someone else- or to create

a circle against someone else so as to destroy that person's image(in
my situation, by members of the one's whom i considered to be my own
family then) in the acknowledgment that such person finds themselves in

a state of vulnerability (with the knowledge that I did not have the
support of any member of the one's whom I considered to be
family)...that is not love.


But (in the recognition and full acceptance of my orphanity now) I was
not born with buddies neither do I need buddies in this world, to be
able to be in account with God (As someone who came to depose myself of

literally all my accumulated material belongings- to prove to myself
that my heart was not placed on such things.) .


Someone who's course in life had taken a different course years
before, as a result of a co-op placement position in high school, among

the Hispanic community of Ottawa [(93-'94 at Ca tho lic Imm igra tion
Centre, Ott awa, then in '98, prior to having been accepted into
full-time university, selected to take part in Fron tier Coll ege's
Lab ourer Tea cher Pro gram
http://www.frontiercollege.ca/english/programs/labteach/ltpro.htm
(that's me at the very back to the left) all of us-having been
thoroughly selected from university campuses across Canada- based on
selective criteria-serviceability in the community/university campus
previously manifested.)]. As a direct result of having offered myself
in an initial opportunity to go with one of the client's of this
religious immigration centre to one of their appointments outside of
the agreed upon co-op hours. Thus, on my own time.
The sense of worth that such brought to my own person then- the feeling

of responsibility towards these families- newcomers to Canada, the
sense of worth and value of myself as a person then. This at a time in

my life when I lacked objective and purpose in high school- it was an
awakening of a sort. Even though it had come to take me 6 years to
finally graduate from high school [(cannot deny what I obtained prior
to finally being accepted into university- having worked as a high
school student under two various different government programs for
unemployed youth* (at Can adian Eth nocultural Cou ncil
www.ethnocultural.ca, and then F OCAL www.focal.ca in '95) prior to
gaining entrance into university on a part-time basis in '97 (and
having obtained just with my high school diploma, two terms- at the
CR-02 and then the following year at the CR-03 level, in '97 and '98
respectively, before finally gaining entrance into a full-time program
at university in the Fall of '98. Seeking to find my position in their
lives, I returned to Guatemala at the beginning of the Summer of '99,
after I came back, I came to do volunteer work for a short time at the
offices of the UNHCR in Ottawa that Summer.), and coming to recognize
my status as an orphan but rejecting to accept it- stub borness on my
part, time and time again (themselves proving this to me, as I came to
be a victim- years later of their injustices and what they proceeded to

do against me.) producing my own fatuosity in actions taken to have
written (to persons) in the first place.

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