Unrecognized Abuse


by George Rolph

In this article I want to talk about something that is not considered to be
abuse but actually is. It is a form of abuse that is pernicious and vicious
and very, very common. It is a form of abuse that is almost always carried
out on men by women. Although there are exceptions to this rule, they are
very few indeed. It is also a form of abuse that can have catastrophic
effects on children as well as fathers. It is the abuse of men and kids by
lying about fathers in order to exclude them from their children's lives or,
by threatening to remove the children from the fathers if the mothers wishes
are not met.

A mother, in today's political climate has far too much power over the lives
of their children and the children's father. This power can be, and is,
misused. Abusive women know the bond that a good father will have with his
kids. For an abuser, this bond is a perfect weapon and can be wielded with
devastating results. Let me illustrate this point with excepts from an
actual e-mail received here at man2man*:

"She got pregant and I thought she would settle down but she used to
threaten to take the baby away if I did something she didnt like. She said
the police would believe her if she told them I wanted to hurt her and the

This raises two important questions:

1. What effect did her behaviour have upon the child?

2. How was this woman able to carry out this despicable and appalling act
without fear of legal reprisals?

Let me answer the first question by quoting again from the same e-mail:

"She told my little daughter I was a bad man who wanted to hurt her and now
my daughter wont talk to me. I love my daughter and would never hurt her but
now I cant even see her."

Not only was this man robbed of the most important relationship of his life
by his abuser, but his daughter has been fed a diet of the abusers hatred
and has now become a vicarious extension of her mothers abuse. This is a far
cry from the positive image of mothers that advertisers, politicians,
newspapers and television try to convince us is the only image that mothers
have. This is an image of a very sick woman that needs a lot of psychiatric
care and a little girl robbed of her father and, therefore, half of her
natural role model. Worse still is the thought that if this cruel and
heartless siren does not receive treatment, there is an excellent chance
that she will go on to abuse many other men. If one of those men is violent
also, the implications for the child are horrific. The father who wrote the
e-mail had obviously considered these implications, he wrote:

"She left me in the end and went off with another bloke. It didnt last long
anyway. I am scared that one day some bloke will hit her and hurt my
daughter if she hits him like she hit me."

Why did this father not fight back or leave? Again, let me allow him to
speak for himself:

"It was hell George. I never told noone because noone would belive me
anyway. My mate found out about her hitting me when she told him and he said
I was a wally and a fool for letting her do it. But I said I had a baby
daughter and I could not leave and just go. He said I should give her a
backhander to shut her up but I knew if I did I would go to prison and she
said she would tell people I abused my daughter if I ever hit her."

Note what he says: His friend told him to fight back (abuse her). He refused
because he knew that he would go to prison. His abuser has no such fear.
Worse still, he knew his partner would tell police that he threatened to
abuse his own child and she would be believed. Implicit in this remark is
the knowledge that he would not be believed. His case would not be properly
investigated and his abuser knew it. That is too much power for most people
to cope with but it is a Godsend for abusers!

What would have happened if she had called the police and made an accusation
of child abuse against him? The first thing to happen is that he would have
been arrested. If the police believed the accusation there is an excellent
chance that he would have been charged and brought to court. He certainly
would have been removed from his house and separated from his daughter. He
would become a local figure of hate and so would probably have to move if he
got bailed after the charge. He may also have been remanded in custody and
faced the fury of other convicts or found himself in protective isolation
(solitary confinement) in the prison. His name, were he to be convicted on
his partners say so, would be added to the child protection register. If he
was not convicted he would still be classified as a risk to children and
prevented from ever working with kids. He would almost certainly lose his
livelihood also. In other words, his life would be utterly destroyed by a
female abuser who is only too well aware of the power she has over the man
in her life. Naturally the female abuse statistics would also go up one more

He has only two real choices in our "civilised" society: He can leave with
the knowledge that his daughter will be left with an abusive woman, or he
can stay and continue to be abused. He cannot take his daughter from the
house because he may well be charged with kidnapping if he does. His abuser
also knows that if he takes her daughter and she cries, in apparent great
distress to the social workers and policemen, he will be hunted down and the
little girl brought back. In theory, the law in the UK says that if you have
reasonable cause to believe that a child is in danger you can remove the
child to a safe place. In practice, for many men this is almost impossible
to do.

His position, had she not left him, would have been intolerable. Of course,
if he ever did crack under the strain and fight back he would have become
another abuse statistic and his abuser would walk away without having to
answer legally or socially for her crimes.

But wait! There was another choice that I had not considered. He could have
reported her.

"Men dont get believed about this and its wrong. So most men dont say
nothing because they wont be believed if they do say something."

The author of this e-mail has a perception that even if he did report his
abuser, he would not be believed. His abuser, as we saw above, had
reinforced this perception within him. In the case of a female victim of
abuse, this perception would be hard to cement in the victims mind because
most women are aware of the enormous amount of help available to them. For
male victims however, no such support structures exist, either within the
law or within society. Consequently it easy for abusive females to program
their victims to believe that they will not get help even if they do report
their abuse.

Fortunately, in the United Kingdom awareness of the problem of male abuse
victims is painfully slowly growing. Again, in theory, the law should
protect men and women alike. In practise, as every male victim knows, it
rarely does come to his aid. However, I must point out that I have met
Solicitors who have successfully prosecuted non molestation orders against

Let's move on to consider question two. This question was, "How was this
woman able to carry out this despicable and appalling act without fear of
legal reprisals?"

Though we have touched upon this question already I want to look at it in
more depth. Imagine a scenario where the police are called to a house where
there is a report of a serious domestic fight occurring. When they arrive
they find a man bleeding from a head wound and a women crying in great
distress. Also in some distress is a young child crying at the foot of the
stairs. The woman demands that the police remove the man from the house.
Even though the man is obviously hurt and bleeding and the woman is carrying
no marks, in almost every case it will be the man who is removed from the
property. The police cannot question the child because that is not legal.
They may know that it was the woman who was abusive but they also know that
it is easier to remove the man. If they remove her and she has no where to
go they face accusations of heartlessly throwing a woman out on the streets.

If the woman is abusive she will often be very cunning and untrained
officers will probably not recognise her behaviour as manipulative. Let me
illustrate this again from the e-mail:

"She smashed my car up on purpose and put a brick through the windscreen.
When I got home she hit me with an iron and a cup and threw a plate at me
which missed and went through the window. Then she started screaming and
told the neighbours I was trying to kill her and the police came and told me
to get out of my house."

This abuser was well aware of the effect a distressed female has on us all.
She was exploiting our natural desire to rush to her aid. A desire that is
so ingrained in us that it can block our reasoning capacity and cause us to
fail to see and react correctly to evidence that is right in front of our
eyes. This exploitation is particularly effective in court rooms and lawyers
know it.

This passage from the e-mail is very revealing if we look at it closely. It
tells the story of a woman who has lost all control. This lack of control
has caused her to go on an orgy of assaultive and destructive behaviour. We
can almost see what happened next in her mind. She suddenly realises that
her behaviour has become public. Her neighbours and passers by could not
fail to notice that she has attacked a vehicle in the street or drive and
then thrown things through a window. No doubt screaming abuse at the top of
her lungs also. (Though the e-mail does not mention it at this point, it
does say that she was verbally and physically abusive to others at a party
shortly before this incident. Therefor it is reasonable to conclude that
this verbal abuse also continued at home). Now there are witnesses to her
behaviour and she needs to find a way out of her predicament quickly or she
risks arrest herself. The perfect answer is to become a victim.

She crosses to the now broken window and begins to scream for help claiming
her partner is trying to kill her. In today's social climate where we are
being bombarded with images, stories, plays and television programs all
telling us that men abuse women and all are silent on female abuse, it is
not difficult to see what conclusion the neighbours came to. They called the
police to rescue this "poor woman." When the police arrive the "He's trying
to kill me" story covers her in almost every way. It explains the blood on
his face: "I was trying to protect myself from my abusive husband officer."
It explains the broken window: "I was trying to attract attention because he
said he was going to kill me." The car is more difficult to explain but the
chances are that the policemen/women have now been totally sucked into
"protect the female" mode and will not even consider it as an area worth
more questions being answered. Angry and disgusted policemen are unlikely to
listen to an "abuser" claiming his partner has already disrupted a party and
attacked people there. I know from bitter personal experience that police
officers have a one track mind on the issue of female abuse. To be fair,
this is not entirely their fault. Like all of us they carry the same disgust
for male abusers. They are not trained to look for male victims because,
like the rest of society they have not yet accepted that it happens to men,
or, if they have, that it happens as often as the scientific evidence

To test these attitudes for yourself, enter an Internet chat room at random
as a woman/man and bring up the subject of female domestic violence. It will
not be long before you encounter total disbelief, mocking amusement and/or
utter hostility. Leave and re-enter as a woman/man and bring up the subject
of female victims of abuse and note the total and opposite change of
attitude. I have done this myself and the results are shocking.

Female abusers know that the law will protect them and even help them to
continue their abuse. They know that if they go to court some lawyers will
actively encourage them to claim abuse because its a sure fire winner in
custody cases. They know that the police are untrained in dealing with them
and a good cry will soon have them eating out of their hands. They know that
the politicians, police and judges are blinded by the same demeaning
"protect the female at all costs" attitude that everyone else has. They know
that people think that a child is safest with its mother, despite the
evidence to the contrary, but unsafe with its father because society is
being actively programmed into thinking that way by radical feminist
pressure. They know that men are not believed when they say they are
victims. As long as they continue to know these things they will continue to
abuse both men and children. They will continue to use children as weapons
of their abuse and they will continue to get away with it.

Isn't it time to stop letting them get away with it?

I will leave the penultimate word to "Billy"

"I have a new girlfriend now and she is great and really cares for me. I
love her and she loves me. Thanks for helping men see they are not the only
ones it has happened to. Men must try to get the law changed so they can see
their kids because its wrong what some nasty women do. Not all women are
nasty but a lot are and they hate men and want to hurt us. MPS should do
something but they wont. You know what they are like. All liers the lot of
them and scared of women most of them. I dont waste my time voting for them
and this lot are no better than the last lot. Just diferent faces."

Perhaps we have to make the politicians and judges hear us by shouting ever
louder until they do. One thing is for sure, we are not going to go away.

George Rolph is National Domestic Violence Co-ordinator for the charity
ManKind, Chairman of the South East (UK) branch of ManKind, and founder of

* The e-mail has been reproduced exactly as it was received and is not
corrected, though all identifying passages have been removed for the purpose
of maintaining confidentiality.

This article is for free distribution as long as the web site address of
man2man (http://www.man2man.themenscenter.com), and my name are properly
credited. It is offered without copyright as long as it is published in full
and without editing on Internet sites or my permission is sought before
editing occurs.


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