Women to Avoid (for men)

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Self-Image

Don't date a woman who doesn't accept compliments.

Women who have poor self-images and are comfortable in those poor self-
images don't like to be contradicted. They don't like to hear that
they're beautiful, or exciting, or sexy. At some level they enjoy self-
pity and the attention that it brings. By constantly trying to
reassure her of her worthiness and beauty you will not be curing her
poor self-image, but will instead simply: a) cause her to stop
believing what you say, and b) feed her need for more and more
attention of the form, "No, Honey, you're not fat! You're beautiful!"

Now, everyone has bad days, including self-pitying days. I would worry
if I dated a woman who, even during her worst "time of the month"
didn't feel a little fat and ugly. The question is whether it is a
constant theme, and whether she normally accepts compliments. If the
answer is no, that she normally says, "No, I'm not," when you tell her
she's beautiful, then you're most likely looking at a lifetime of
playing "the rescuer." Get off the rescue team and go find someone
with a better attitude.

Unrealistic Expectations (Princesses)

Don't date a woman that reads Harlequin Romance novels.

The point here is to avoid women who have unrealistic views of men.
You are not her knight in shining armour. You are not going to rescue
her life from its current pathetic or semi-pathetic state. You're just
her companion and lover. If she consumes like popcorn books and movies
that portray men as sweeping women off their feet and making their
lives all better, you have to know that she thinks that her life sucks
and it's going to be your job to make it all better. (No, you can't.)

Don't date a woman who responds to good news by simply upping her
expectations.

This one is pretty easy to spot: she wins a trip to Cabo San Lucas,
but then discovers later that she has to pay the taxes, which total
$120.00. Is she still ecstatic? Does she shrug her shoulders and
laugh, and say, "Hey, I still have a really cheap trip to Cabo!" Or,
does she sulk, pout, and start stomping around and throwing things?
After she won the trip, did she continue to remember that she was
incredibly fortunate, or did she simply revise the world so that
"normal" included a free trip to Cabo, so having to pay anything is
now a great misfortune? Stay away from the latter kind of woman. No
matter how hard you try, no matter what you do, your great efforts
will only briefly impress her, as she will simply raise the bar to
include whatever energy you're putting out for her.

Mrs. Buster does this all the time: I tell her that I'm coming home
two hours early. I arrive, instead, an hour and half early, and I'm
treated to a sulking, angry, slamming-door bitch, all because I was "a
half hour late." Whatever good fortune we have, or whatever good
things I make happen, she simply incorporates those into "normal" or
"acceptable." Then failure to deliver becomes a negative experience.
And women wonder why some married men just throw up their hands and
stop trying.

The other great danger with women like this, by the way, is that all
of the high-energy stuff you do during the high-energy stage of
courtship she will simply incorporate into her vision of "normal."
Flowers every week, going to the movies every week, romantic walks
along the beach... these will no longer be special things that she
treasures, but simply things that she expects to happen. Inevitably,
the relationship cools down a bit from its superheated beginnings, and
you're supposed to be calm and learning deeper things about each
other. Instead, she will be bitching and fretting about not getting
her flowers every week. If you do make an effort and once again start
buying her flowers every week, she will not shower you with love but
will instead accept this as "the way things should be."

Of course, everyone feels let down after the courtship stage is over
and all of that fun stuff isn't so regular any more, but well-adjusted
people get a bit down about it and then move on. Princesses become
truly pissed off that they aren't getting their due any more.

Life on Hold (Waiting for Mr. Right)

Don't date a woman that has no hobbies or interests. (Sorry honey,
sleeping and watching TV are NOT pastimes!)

There are, in my experience, three kinds of women out there in this
regard:

Women who have no lives and are waiting for "Mr. Right" to come along
so that they can saddle him with all of their dreams and hopes, and
put him into service realizing those dreams and hopes. These women are
sort of like heavily-loaded carts, waiting by the side of the road for
an ox to happen by. Guess who's the ox.

Women who have lives doing lots of activities that they don't really
much like, in the hopes that they can meet a man through said
activities. After meeting and bagging him, they will forthwith drop
said activities and bring out the real agenda. The question for you is
whether she would hate to give up these activities. Watch what happens
on those occasions when she is double-booked and has to choose between
the activity and the new thing. If she seems relieved to get away from
the rock climbing, then she's a faker.

Women who have made lives for themselves and are doing things that
they really enjoy. These women may miss their activities a few times
to go out with a great new guy (that's you), but they're not happy if
they can't go rock climbing from time to time.

Don't date a woman who calls you more than twice a day (and twice is
one too many), or at nutty hours of the day or night.

In men and women, desperate is a bad sign. Desperate people want
somebody, anybody, which means that the most important quality about
you in their eyes is that you're breathing. Desperate people also tend
to do weird, freaky things when you tell them that you're not
interested in carrying on with them. All of the stuff I said before
about women putting their lives on hold, waiting for Mr. Right, and
the danger of the piles and piles of dreams and plans that they have
stored up landing on your shoulders goes double for the obviously
desperate ones. Some men make a career out of finding desperate women,
screwing them, then dumping them right away, but I wouldn't. First of
all, it's not nice, and second of all it's risky in the same way that
parachuting is risky. You're always in danger that one day you'll get
a very freaked out woman, just as you're always in danger that one day
the chute won't open.

I should point out as well that women regularly avoid men who are like
this. They call them "needy" men, or "try-too-hards." Take page from
the ladies' book and avoid these ones yourself.

Bad Attitude

Don't date a woman that always says she's a "real woman looking for a
real man". Real woman = Loudmouth, smart-ass, Real Man = sap who'll
put up with her and her crap.

Maybe not. Maybe she's just a frustrated woman who has been out with a
lot of immature men and doesn't want another one. However, either way
she has a chip on her shoulder, and you're starting off with huge
negative points until you can prove that you're whatever her
definition of "a real man" is. Even then, God help you if you ever
fail to meet one of her criteria for "realness," because if you do
you'll just be back down there with the jerks she dated before.

Don't date two-faced women.

Have you ever accidentally happened upon your beloved walking down the
street with a dark scowl on her face and then, when she sees you, she
lights up with a big smile? Every man I know (including me) thinks
that this means that she loves him so much that his mere appearance
parts the clouds and brings out the sun for her. This may be true, but
more often than not what this gesture really means is that she has one
face for her "loved ones" and one face for her friends. She smiles and
nods to people she wants to impress, and reserves her bad moods for
people she figures can't escape. This means her family, and, should
you tie the knot with her, you. Here are some other signs of this same
kind of personality.

She talks on the phone to her friend / brother / father / ex-boyfriend
in sweet, gentle tones, then after she hangs up scowls and says,
"Stupid ***," or some such thing.

She is in a rotten, lousy mood but when the phone rings she is
suddenly Miss Sweetness herself... until the conversation is over and
she hangs up, at which point she becomes the Wicked Witch again.

She treats some other people with scintillating charm and others with
contempt, depending upon who they are (for example company presidents
versus waiters).

These signs tell you that you're dealing with someone who isn't
authentic, and reserves her good (phoney) side for people she wants to
impress. One day, not long from now, you will move from the "to be
impressed" category to the "take for granted" category, at which point
you'll just become another way for her to vent her frustration at
having to be nice to all of the jerks that she's still trying to
impress.

I find that most men strive mightily to ignore warnings like these. I
know that I did, and probably still do. It's natural to assume that
your lady-love's tendency to shine when you're around, even when she's
pissed off, is a testament to your obvious charm. Sadly, it's probably
not.

Now, this doesn't mean that you should look for a woman who is never
angry, or look for a woman who doesn't hide any of her feelings. It's
natural to tone down anger or sadness when you run into someone you're
trying to impress, or when they call on the phone. The difference,
though, between an authentic woman and a inauthentic one is that the
former will say, "I'm sorry, but I'm not in a good mood right now.
Could you please call back later?" Or, "It's nice running into you on
the street, but I'm having a bad day. Could we talk later?" On the
other hand, the phoney woman will be all (fake) smiles and gush about
how delighted she is to see you, even as she is thinking to herself,
"Damn. I wish that this dork would leave so that I can get on with my
day." Typically, you can only see the difference in how she reacts to
other people, or when you catch her unawares.

Don't date a woman who always has to be right.

This should go without saying, but don't date a woman who always has
to be right, and thinks that everyone who disagrees with her is
stupid, uneducated, or misinformed. Believe it or not, there are women
like this who don't even try to hide this aspect of their
personalities, and there are guys who date them and fall in love with
them. An actual conversation I had with an ex-girlfriend:

She: I saw that movie last month. It was crap. What did you think of
it?
Me: I enjoyed it, but I can understand that someone not in the mood
for philosophical monologues and deep thinking might find it boring.
She: Shows how much you know about film.

I was deeply wounded and offended, but I was still such a sap that I
went out on two more dates with her before I dumped her. Then I spend
a few weeks wondering whatever attracted me to a bitch like that. Some
poor ***, somewhere, is probably wondering the exact same thing at
this moment.

Bad Behaviour

Don't date a woman who says "You don't know what I've been
through!" (A consequence of her own irresponsibility, perhaps?)

Any woman who can't put her past behind her is either: a) suffering
the aftereffects of a terrible life, which means that you have to put
up with the suffering and the aftereffects, or b) is setting the stage
for future bad behaviour by laying out her reasons up front. Of
course, it feels more defensible to get rid of her in the latter case,
but you should in the former as well. Let her sort out her problems on
her own and then find love. Your job is not to save her. Your job is
to find yourself a good companion.

As for the latter type, what she is really saying is, "You're going to
find out that I'm a total bitch... but I have a good reasons, which
are that...." Who really cares why she's going to be a total bitch?
You won't want to be with a total bitch, no matter what the reason.
Say goodbye.

Don't date a woman that hits you playfully or otherwise. (Signs of the
future.)

I've dated many women who think that hitting men is great fun. I have
a new theory on that. Stay tuned. Anyway, even if she never hits you
with any force, remember that when she's PMS-ing like mad, and
screaming at you for something that happened when you weren't even
around but is still, in some twisted way, your fault, and your blood
is boiling and she hits you "just to get the point across"... just
remember how easy it is under those circumstances to haul off and deck
her. Then remember that that lands you in jail. Women who like to hit
are just too dangerous to be around. Find one that doesn't.

Don't date a woman who has major PMS episodes.

Whatever her PMS episodes are like during your dating phase, multiply
that by ten, or a hundred, and that will be what it will be like to be
married to her. Women claim that PMS is hormonal and that they "can't
control it." This is bull***. They control it very nicely until you
tie the knot. Then they don't bother any more.

If your girlfriend is already barely tolerable once a month, then get
rid of her fast. After you move in together she will turn into Charles
Manson during her period. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Irritating Behaviour

Don't date a woman who's favorite restaurant is "Wherever you want to
eat is fine with me."

Oh, that brings back memories, and recent ones, too. Women who can't
express what they want are dynamite. They know which restaurant they
prefer, but they're just not going to say. Then, one day, you'll be
facing a raging, crying woman who demands that the two of you do this
or that right now because, "We always do what you want to do." In
effect, she wants to choose which things she's going to let you decide
and which things she gets to decide, and no, you don't get a choice in
that. By not volunteering where she wants to eat, or what trip she
wants to take, or which museum she wants to see, and therefore forcing
you to make the decision, she is building up "guilt points" for later
use. Beware.

I had this very conversation with an ex-girlfriend of mine. Can you
imagine living with this for the rest of your life?

She: I'd like to go out to dinner tonight.
Me: OK, where would you like to go?
She: Why don't you decide. I'll go anywhere you like.
Me: I'd like to go for sushi.
She: We always go for sushi. Not sushi.
Me: OK, we haven't gone for Vietnamese in ages. How about that?
She: No, not Asian. I don't feel like Asian.
Me: Hmmm. Not Asian. Well, there's Chevy's. They have good food, and
the atmosphere is fun.
She: I was thinking of some place with a view.
Me: A view. Not Asian. How about the Soft Rock Cafe? They have a view
over False Creek.
She: I was really hoping we could go to Bridges.
Me: Why didn't you just say so?
She: Because I wanted to know where you wanted to go.

Actually happened. Cross my heart. Incredible, isn't it?

Don't date a woman who thinks current events in the news is J.Lo. and
Ben Affleck.

Well, that is, unless you agree. I know guys who are into airheads.
You just have to accept that you'll never have a deep conversation
with this person. Personally, I think that you can do better. As well,
I would spend a lot of time with a woman like this, just to see if I
could really handle being brains for two. Never trust your first
impression of how easy it will be to adapt to someone else. You'll
always underestimate the difficulties.

Control Freaking

Don't date a woman that has no sense of humour.

Well, there are senses of humour and senses of humour. Totally
humourless women are bad news, unless you're the type who likes to be
ordered around. For me, the real message of this one is to avoid women
who can't take what life throws at them with a shrug and a laugh. If
you go on a trip and the airline loses your luggage, what does she do?
Does she laugh and adapt to the situation, rail against the stupidity
of airlines and demand that "someone" fix the problem, or does she
turn in the Princess in Distress and wait for someone to rescue her?
You want the first one. When she plans a wonderful dinner but the
roast chars to a crisp, what does she do? Does the adapt or go on the
warpath? If you tell her that you don't like her music, does she
accept the comment with a laugh, or rip into you for being an
uncultured boor? In other words, as I said, can she take life's
disappointments in stride and laugh about them, or is she brittle and
demanding?

Don't date a woman who gets bent out of shape because you just want to
have a quiet night at home by yourself, after a long day at work.

The tone you set dating is the tone that will live on for the rest of
your relationship. If she can't handle you having any private time to
yourself, then she will never be able to handle you having private
time to yourself. In fact, after you're married, it will get worse,
because she has lots of preconceived notions about marriage, probably
including the notion that husbands and wives are inseparable. If she
can't handle it now, then you'll be chained to her every moment of
your day. I know this one intimately: at first I was flattered and
pleased that Mrs. Buster wanted to be with me constantly. However, it
quickly turned into a kind of tyranny. If you can't cope with any of
the following then don't go near this kind of woman:

She will clock your route time from work to home, and will go
ballistic if you arrive more than five minutes later than she thinks
you should, even if she sent you on a half hour errand on the way
home. She understands mean travel time, average travel time, and
standard deviations therein. Who says that women can't do math?

All of the sports and fun activities you did when she met you, that
you enjoy and make your life worth living (besides your relationship
with her, of course) will be gradually whittled away until there is
nothing left for you to do but beeee togeeether aaaalways! Your
relationship will then begin to implode, with too much focus inward
and too little focus outward.

She will rely on you for entertainment. Since she doesn't do anything
on her own (she wants to be together all of the time), you become her
whole world, and you have to be always ready to console her, entertain
her, talk to her, decide what she wants, ... the list goes on and on.
You are her world, guy, and there's no room in there for you to be
sad, tired, or otherwise out of sorts. It's the continuous, all-waking-
hours stage play, and the show must go on!

Or, perhaps, she will be tremendously jealous and suspicious. She will
check up on you constantly. A ball and chain would be cheaper, and
less demanding. Even if she isn't suspicious of other women, she will
be jealous of your time. If you have to pay bills, talk to banks,
arrange doctors' appointments, pick up repairs, or do anything else,
you get to do these things on "your time," of which you have none. Get
the picture?

Your time at work will also be her time. She will expect you to be
continuously available to take her phone calls, even if what she wants
is to sob and whinge on the phone for an hour about how sad she is, or
how her stomach hurts. The fact that you are working, and have a boss
to answer to, is irrelevant. She owns you.

Can you tell that I made this mistake and now I'm wrestling with the
consequences? Grrr....

Mind Games

Absolutely don't date women who use conversation as a crowbar to get
inside your head.

How do you feel after talking with her? Do you feel normal? Refreshed?
Interested? Do you feel as though there was an exchange of sentiments
and information between adults? Or do you feel as though you've just
gone nine rounds with a heavyweight? Does your head hurt? Do you feel
just a bit violated? Do you feel as though the conversation just sort
of got away on you and you're not sure what happened but you didn't
really like it? If in even a few conversations with her you feel as
though you're fighting off a rapist then get rid of her. She's the
equivalent of the guy whose primary purpose is to get his girlfriend's
clothes off. In the end, once she gets inside your head and peers
around in there, she'll grow bored and treat you like crap, just as
the aforementioned single-minded guy will become bored once he's had
his girlfriend a few times. Women alert each other to such guys: Stay
away! You, as a man, don't deserve any less. Stay away!

Don't date a woman whose response to your helping her with a decision
says, "So, you don't like the other one."

For example, a woman who says, "Which dress do you think I should
wear? The tan one or the fuchsia one?" and then, after you tell her
the tan one, says, "So, you hate the fuchsia one." This is a pure mind
game. Never, ever date women who like mind games. You have better
things to do with your mind.

Don't date a woman who responds to your every expression of wishes,
emotions, or ideas as being all about her.

For example, if you say, "I don't like rap music," a mature woman will
say, "I like rap music a lot. What is it about rap that you don't
like?" She will take what you said as an opportunity to share with you
what she likes about rap, and listen to you talk about what you
dislike. Maybe, in the end, you still don't like rap, but at least you
had an interesting conversation.

The defensive woman will take your expression of dislike an attack on
her tastes. She will yell, or pout, or cry, or otherwise be a pain in
the ass because you "don't like [her] music." From her perspective,
it's all about her. This effectively closes communication between the
two of you, as she uses negative behaviour to teach you never to say
anything that she doesn't want to hear. You can't have a relationship
with this woman. Get rid of her.

Self-Sufficiency

Don't get a woman that doesn't work, or is underemployed (e.g. 35
years old and flipping burgers at McDonalds).

I think that this depends upon the arrangement that you want. If you
want the traditional Cleaver family arrangement, then this needs some
modification. The main point for me is one that is repeated later in
this list: never date a woman who is unambitious or doesn't like to
work. If she is unambitious, she will discover her ambition later,
after you're married, and then you'll be expected to drop everything
and help her realize her goals. If she's allergic to work, well... I
don't have to point out who will end up doing all of the work, do I?

Don't date a woman that always has her girlfriend, sister, or other
female by their side.

Women who always invite a chaperone along are either immature and
inexperienced, or afraid of men. Neither of these is a good thing. I
once had the hots for a woman at work (this was during my Stupid
Period) who went everywhere with her best friend, a married guy from
our same office. They weren't screwing around; it was just that she
refused to go to any party, movie, or other social gathering without a
chaperone / body guard. I was too stupid to know it then, but I should
have sworn off of her as soon as I found out about him. I've met her
since, and there's still something not right there. Stay away.

Don't date a woman who can't cook, clean, or do laundry. She's not
going to magically learn once the ring is on her hand.

I love this entry, because it will completely freak out most women.
"What?!? Are we going back to the 1950's?!?" they'll scream. This is a
hot button for almost any woman I know. However, if you stop reacting
to this emotionally and start thinking about it rationally, it makes
perfect sense. If she can't cook, clean, or do laundry, whom does she
expect will be doing all of this? You? Isn't that just more sexism? I
know so many "modern" women who are like this: "I don't cook; I don't
clean; I don't wash clothes; I don't do windows." Whom, then, do they
think will be looking after them? Guess what, buddy: it's you. The
best way not to be an oppressed housewife is to become the oppressive
wife to an oppressed househusband, and millions of women are doing
exactly that as you read this. Now you know why I laugh at the notion
that feminism was all about equality.

Don't date a woman who dresses nice, but can never seem to keep her
phone bill paid for.

This should be simple, but so many men fall down on this one. She
makes about as much money as you do, but she just seems to spend it
all every month. Or, she's totally scatterbrained and as such seems
totally incapable of looking after the more mundane aspects of daily
life. This speaks in part to her priorities (clothes are more
important than credit ratings), or her capabilities. Looking after day-
to-day finances is, like washing dishes, washing clothes, cleaning,
and ironing, part of daily life. Anyone who is utterly incapable in a
big "daily life" item is, in essence, waiting to thrust that job onto
someone else. Oh, and don't think that because you're handling the day-
to-day bill paying that she will have nothing to say about money. On
the contrary: out of sight means out of mind, and she will shortly be
asking why you can't both fly to Italy once a year. You'll get no
thanks for paying the bills, but will instead by roasted for "spending
all of the money," or treated as the ogre who won't loosen the purse
strings. I know from firsthand experience. Trust me.

Sugar daddy = a man who finances a woman's irresponsible habits.

True, but then this is as close to prostitution as you can get without
it being illegal. She's young and hot, you're older and have money, so
you buy her for a while. She gets something, you get something. That
is, so long as you both understand the arrangement. Not what I would
call a "relationship," but it takes all kinds.

Don't date a woman whose car seems to always have a new dent or
mechanical problem every week. And don't loan her your car!

This isn't just about cars and the inability to drive. It is, once
again, about helplessness and the need to be rescued. If you need
someone helpless because you don't believe that a self-sufficient
woman would ever stay with you, then you need some therapy. (Oh, yes,
and I know that I most likely fit into that category; this doesn't
stop me from recognizing the fact, though. :-)

Don't date a woman whose bathroom is filthy.

This plays in part to the helplessness thing: everyone should be able
to (at least rudimentally) cook, shop for food and clothing, wash
clothing, iron, manage household finances, make long-term financial
decisions, hold down a job, deal with banks, government, employers,
doctors, dentists, and lawyers, and yes: clean. If her bathroom is
filthy, she either doesn't know how to clean, doesn't want to clean,
or doesn't care about cleanliness. In the first case she is helpless
and will depend upon you to do all of the cleaning (and what else?).
In the second case she probably has some chip on her shoulder about
1950's housewives and will expect you to do penance for hundreds of
years of "oppression." In the third case, well....

I once lived with a friend of mine in a rather scummy apartment. My
friend, A, had a dishwashing system: leave all of the dirty dishes on
the counter, and wash only as needed. Never mind that this was just as
much work as washing them all. This was his system. He didn't mind the
pile of filthy dishes in the corner with plants and other nasty things
growing on them / living in them. Sorry, but most human beings can't
live like that. I sure couldn't. I moved out. So, who cares how hot
she is? If she has a filthy bathroom (or kitchen), then you'll either
be cleaning your whole life just to be with her, or you'll have to
endure disgusting conditions.

Not to mention the question that if her bathroom / kitchen is filthy,
what is her body like? Ewwww....

Maturity

If you're into older women, don't date a woman who takes her of-age
daughter with her to the night club.

Immaturity and the inability to accept who you are causes all sorts of
problems. Let her chase the little boys along with her daughter, and
instead go looking for someone who knows and accepts who she is.

Don't have sex with a woman whose favorite sex act is "I don't know".

This is just another way for her to dump the responsibility for being
"naughty" on your shoulders. At first it may feel fun to be the "big
bad he-man" who jumps on top of the blushing virgin, but trust me it
wears thin pretty quick. After a year or two you're left with the
distinct impression that she doesn't really want sex with you, and
would just as soon be watching TV. You go from feeling like the big
man initiating the blushing little girl into the world of sex to
feeling like an undesirable loser chained to a woman who doesn't
really want you. Now, she probably does still want you, but since she
never expresses that, and never shows much enthusiasm for sex, you're
never really convinced.

Don't date a woman with whom you can't have a serious conversation.

The flip side of the woman who has no sense of humour is the woman who
can't talk seriously about serious issues. Grounded, well-adjusted,
perceptive people know when the conversation turns serious and that
it's time to lay off the jokes. This has very much to do with maturity
and respect.

"Maturity" because everyone gets nervous when discussing touchy
subjects like sex, money, and future plans with a lover. It's not easy
at all. However, mature people know that no matter how nervous you
get, you have to avoid the cheap escape, which is to turn the whole
conversation into a joke. Sure, it's a quick way out of a tight spot,
but then it destroys the trust between two people.

"Respect" because some people can use serious conversations as an
emotional tactic. Have you ever had a heart-to-heart talk with someone
who ended that talk by flipping everything you said around so that it
came out as an insult, or a joke, or something else for which you had
to apologize? Beware of women who suddenly turn joking banter into
serious conversation, or vice versa. If you're laughing it up with her
and then suddenly she starts crying her eyes out, claiming that it's
not a joke and that you don't love her, then run. Fast. If you're
talking seriously with her, she says something that shocks you, and
she starts laughing and saying, "Oh, I was just kidding. Lighten up!"
then beware. People who suddenly change the tone of conversations like
that are pouring acid on the trust between you. Take her task for it.
If she keeps weaseling out of serious conversations, then get rid of
her before you can't trust anything she says any more.

Don't date women who can't keep promises.

If she simply doesn't keep any promises that she makes to anyone then
you have an obvious and serious problem on your hands, but there are
more subtle manifestations of this phenomenon. Here I'm not talking
about passing remarks such as, "Oh, I'll be there at five." There are
anal people who will be there at 4:55 and easygoing people who will
show up at 5:45. It happens. What I'm talking about is someone who, in
the midst of a serious conversation says, "I'll call her today. I
promise. Really. Trust me." If she "forgets" to call, what it means is
that all the other stuff she was doing today was more important than
her serious promise to you. So what did she do? Ask her. Then think
about the fact that every one of those things: going for coffee with
her friend, chatting on the phone, watching TV, whatever... each of
them was more important to her than a promise made to you. Not good.

As a personal example, Mrs. Buster has several times made on-my-
grandmother's-grave type promises to me in deeply emotional, crisis
situations (of which we have more than our fair share, I might add).
Every time, after the dust settles, the promise is forgotten, or she's
"too busy" to do anything about it. She's busy with housework, or busy
with her friends, or busy watching TV. Yes, she has lots of housework
to do, but the bottom line is clear: in her life, promises to me, even
very serious ones, come last. Even promises made to her friends come
before promises made to me. Not good.

Of course, she wasn't always like that, and this is the subtle part.
Mrs. Buster is hell-bent on keeping promises to people she's trying to
impress. If your belle is like this, and you're not married yet, she
is in all likelihood trying to impress you. So, you have to watch how
she treats promises made to other people, in particular members of her
family. If a promise she makes to a brother, a sister, or one of her
parents is writ in stone... if it's even more important than a promise
made to you, then you're in good shape. Sensible people have their
priorities straight: family first, then lovers, then friends, then
everyone else. You don't want a girl whose priorities are: friends
first, then lovers, then family, then everyone else, because if you
marry her, you're going to become "family."

Beware of a woman who can never make up her mind, or who constantly
asks you to make decisions for her.

This is a tricky one, because women have a different way of making
decisions than do men. Women prefer to get together in groups and talk
out their decisions. Men prefer to make decisions solo. So, expect
that your girlfriend will be less decisive than the guys you hang out
with. However, if you find her calling you constantly, asking you to
make trivial decisions for her, your alarm bells should start ringing
softly. This could simply be a male / female communication problem, or
it could be the sign of someone who will drive you slowly nuts with
trivial questions. Of course, this is a good opportunity to tell her
that she's annoying you, and see what happens.

Don't date a woman who is brutally decisive.

Most (normal) people make decisions, then ask their partner for an
opinion, then discuss any differences, and come to an agreement.
Beware the woman who, in order to avoid being indecisive (as outlined
above), goes off the scale in the other direction and makes snap
decisions that aren't open to negotiation. If, instead of being
indecisive she's inflexible, then she's just the same personality type
overcompensating for her indecisiveness.

Don't have sex with a woman who just sits or lays there when you
initiate it.

One of my ex-girlfriends used to do what I referred to as the "dead
fish impression." Vibrant, interesting sex requires two participants.
Lying on your back with your legs apart is not participating. Being
nervous and never initiating is also not participating. Only liking
one or two positions and never trying anything "kinky" is borderline.
Good sex requires imagination, a sense of fun, and the ability to drop
your inhibitions from time to time. If she can't manage that, then
you're in for a long, dull life together.

Trust Your Gut

If you get an odd feeling about a woman, don't have sex with her... no
matter how hot she is

So many men (including yours truly) try to ignore that little voice
inside them that says, "This is a bad idea. Dump this one now!" I've
been out with women who claimed to be witches. (No, not the once-a-
month kind, but the abracadabra-you're-a-toad kind.) I've been out
with women who claimed to be spies for the secret police. Every time
my little, inner voice was screaming, "Run away!" but I didn't listen.
Only once did I listen, and it was the smartest thing I ever did.
Listen to your little inner voice. It speaks the truth, even if your
mother, your sisters, and your girlfriends say that it doesn't.

Don't move in with a woman, don't let her move in with you. It's hard
enough for married couples to live with each other.

Well, there's one piece of good advice to which nobody is going to pay
any attention. Sooner or later you have to make the leap and live with
a woman. Whether it's a success (here's hoping) or a disaster, there's
something selfish and immature about people who just can't give up
that single life. Given that, and that marriage is a crap deal for men
these days, and I'm not sure that this rule is a good one in the
large. More specifically, though, it does hold up: most women, and
even most men, are often far too quick to move the relationship along
to the living-together stage and then the marrying stage. Most couples
move in together too early, principally because of women's insatiable
desire for more "intimacy" (placed in quotation marks here because
women confuse intimacy with getting inside a man's head, even as men
confuse intimacy with getting inside a woman's pants).

Don't date a woman who responds to disappointment by staring at the
floor and saying, "It's OK."

It's not OK. She's just not telling you. What you're looking for here
is a woman who responds to life's lemons by making lemonade. You want
a woman who responds to disappointment by saying, "Well, that sucks,
but if we did this instead, then maybe we can salvage the situation."
Or, if you change plans on her, says, "Well, I don't really like the
new plans. Maybe we can compromise." Or something like that. "It's
fine. We'll do it your way." whilst staring at her shoes just means
that she understands only two ways to do anything: her way, and
someone else's way. After she gets to know you better, you can bet
that she will be insisting on her way... or the highway.

If she says, "It's OK," and you have the nagging feeling that it's not
OK, then your nagging feeling is accurate. Get rid of her before she
drives you crazy.

As a follow-up to the item on expressing yourself, pay attention to
that uncomfortable feeling you have that you're walking on eggshells
with your girlfriend.

If any little thing you do or say sets her off on a crying jag, or
starts her raging, or stops her speaking to you... if you feel as
though you have to pay constant attention to her moods so that you
don't say or do something wrong... then you have a brittle personality
on your hands, and you should dump her. Now. Yes, you'll have to
endure more crying / raging / silence, and it may seem like the most
terrifying thing you've ever done, but believe me you want to get out
early. No matter what she says or does, just remember that the most
important person in your life is you, not her. Get rid of her while
you're still sane.



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This page was last changed 5 years ago, on August 29, 2003 09:33:08.
This page was last changed 5 years ago, on August 29, 2003 09:33:08.

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