How sad is this?

i can't sleep tonight ...

a great sadness have dawned on me. looking back ...

i used to be very proud to be a singaporean. during my younger days,
my time was spent overseas doing my studies. whenever angmos asked me
about where was i from. i always answered singapore proudly. they
always not know where it was. i took great pain to point it out to
them on a map. that little but bold red dot.

after my studies, i came back to work with great plans and ambition.
but things were not good at all. slowly but surely many things that
used to be in private hands now rested with the garmen or GLCs. even
money lending (post office) and coffin business (ntuc) the garmen is
involved.

opportunities used to be abundant for those who dared were no longer
available. although the streets which lined in neat rows were no
longer interesting because the landmarks that we grew up with were no
longer there. i used to think that i owned a piece of *** in sg, but
i was wrong, everything were tenanted or on loan. even CPF was a joke.

can i changed this ... do i have the voice to suggest change ... i
really don't know ...

nowadays when i travel overseas. i no longer tell angmos that i am a
singaporean. instead i tell them i was from ASEAN. they will then ask
was that a country. i said yes. a big one. i told them that we are
free to roam all over in south east asia.

i can no longer identify myself proudly as an unmistakable
singaporean. the feeling is always to get out rather than to get in.

although whenever i return, changi airport is always so efficient and
nice. but, i am no longer proud. it is no different from any foreign
hotels or airports that i stayed and paid my dues.

in short, i am no longer a proud singaporean. i have lost my identity.

after seeing what burma's going through. that loss of humanity makes
me wonder how can we have true identity where leaders when under
threat will not hesitate to use military power to suppress its own
citizenry. looking around us the various south east asian countries, i
saw that we have not grown an iota. we are just savages that not only
being exploited by other greater civilizations but also by our own
kind.

it is indeed a sad day for me. i just want to mark this day with this
message to myself:

let this day be remembered as a day when the flame in me dies. there
is no need to cry for me. one day that one day will come when i will
rekindle again and be truly alive. i await that one day. till then,
let me go into a slumber and contemplate my next great move. i can die
for my country, but not for a hotel i now stay.

.

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