"Spare me the funeral I wouldn't be seen dead at"

Being a fan of very clever writing, especially as it relates to the
so-called "dark side", I perchance followed a link that led me to this op/ed
piece which, coincidentally, had Scottish content. And, so, I thought I
would share it with you all, thinking that some would get a kick out of it.

- nilita

http://news.scotsman.com/opinion/Spare-me-the-funeral-I.3762750.jp

Spare me the funeral I wouldn't be seen dead at



By HARDEEP SINGH KOHLI

I'd definitely want tears; tears of laughter rather than pain, so I'd
probably ask my wee brother to do a wee turn for me. I'd also want egg and
cress sandwiches; and jam sandwiches and Scotch pies with beans. And lamb
curry and nan, with a red onion and tomato salad.

I'd ask everyone to turn up dressed as their favourite dead character from
history and have Goldie and Grant sing their versions of Wham! classics as
folk filed into the crematorium. Then Deacon Blue's 'Dignity' on the way to
the fire. It's a macabre notion planning for your own funeral; but I'd
rather do the job than leave it to anybody else.

The older you get the more events you attend in churches, temples and
mosques: births, deaths and marriages, and the odd confirmation or bar
mitzvah. And of all of these events the strangest to come to terms with are
the funerals. I suppose we can all accept wacky marriages where the
participants make decisions for themselves. A humanist ceremony where
everyone dons kaftans and Birkenstocks and has a lentil-based lunch would be
weird
but ultimately acceptable. We know we would never allow 'Paranoid' by Black
Sabbath or 'Fireball' by Deep Purple to be played at wee Charlie's
christening. That would be an imposition.

Some years back the grandfather of my son's friend passed away. I always
knew that John, who was 90, had led a fascinating life. I knew he had served
in the Second World War and that he had come from humble stock and made
good. What I hadn't realised until the day of his funeral was that he was a
poor boy from an immigrant family who won medals serving his country during
the war before amassing a multi-million pound business and becoming a patron
of the arts. And I thought I knew him.

Much as I learnt so much about my friend John at his funeral, it was his
life according to those around him. With John, at least corporeally, being
absent from the event, it wasn't his agenda.

I'd quite like to set the agenda for my passing; I'd like to make some
plans. But even the best laid plans can go awry. Another friend of mine,
Tim, and his wife, had discussed the music they would have chosen for their
funerals. Tim's wife, being a fan of Kenny Rogers had settled on an obscure
track called 'Just Dropped In (To See What Condition My Condition Was In)'.
Tim thought it an odd choice but meaningful to him and his wife.

Sooner than expected she passed away and Tim had remembered their chat. He
knew that playing the track, as well as being cathartic, would help begin to
heal the pain. Knowing that he had put the song on a compilation CD for his
wife, he hurriedly grabbed it before leaving for the church to say a final
and painful farewell. Gathered with a hundred or so near and dear, Tim
announced in a wavering voice that he wished to play a song that meant so
much to him and his beloved wife.

It was at this point that he realised that he wasn't quite sure which track
number was Kenny Rogers. It was either six or seven. He went for track
seven, it being a significant number in their lives. Heads bowed, the
congregation listened silently to Sting singing: "De do do do, De da da da."

Perhaps there is a God and that God isn't a fan of Country and Western. As I
get closer to dying, moving further away from the time I was born, I am sure
of this: there is plenty of sadness, no shortage of loss.

Perhaps we can mark the day of our loved ones' funeral with laughter and
joy. And Goldie and Grant singing 'I'm Your Man'.

Bare-Facebook cheek won't raise a smile

A Facebook friend posted a joke up on her status update the other day. The
joke relied on the notion that Irish people are stupid. (I never got Irish
jokes when I was a boy because the Irish people I knew were the likes of
Oscar Wilde, Sean O'Casey, GB Shaw and Dana: all deeply intelligent and
talented, apart from maybe Shaw). But nonetheless it seemed somehow
acceptable to tell these jokes back then.

Now, to our surprise, we have discovered that amongst its population the
Irish have an intelligentsia, we Scots are a generous race, and not all
Indians are doctors or shopkeepers. The lazy stereotypes are dead.

So I decided to challenge my Facebook friend about her questionable
anti-Irish gag. She took great pains to inform me that it was crucial that
we, as a society, were prepared to laugh at ourselves, puncture our own
pomposity and not take ourselves seriously. I agreed wholeheartedly. But as
an Indian British woman from Birmingham how was her telling of an Irish joke
the act of someone laughing at themselves? I am still awaiting her response.

A bone to pick with new generation of bleeding hearts

I eat meat. I love meat. My grandfather loved meat and my father loves meat.
My brothers love meat and my kids love meat. Meat is great and I love to eat
it; lots of it. And in the joyous pursuit of meat-eating I call my life, I
make no great distinction between different types of meat, other than as to
taste. For me there is no better advert for the deliciousness of young, firm
meat than osso buco, the slow-cooked Northern Italian delight that shows
veal off at its finest.

Some people I know will eat lamb and beef but not rabbit or duck or veal.
Their reasoning? Rabbits and ducks and baby cows are cute. I don't get this;
I don't get this at all. What are we actually saying? As soon as a baby cow
celebrates its 16th cow birthday it is fine to be slaughtered? Surely we
should be much more concerned about the welfare of animals rather than the
age at which they become eatable.

Or is it a question of aesthetics? Is it unacceptable to eat animals if they
are cute? What about ugly animals? Can we eat the mingers of the
animal world because they are less adorable? We need to grasp the nettle
that we as a species are omnivores. We eat everything. We are not meant to
be vegetarians; vegetarianism is a lifestyle choice and anathema to us,
Darwinistically-speaking. Killing animals is not a pleasant thing to do. I
personally believe that if you are unwilling to kill an animal then you are
not entitled to eat an animal. I have shot and killed birds and eaten them.
I would have no qualms about killing and cooking a small lamb.

I think half the problem with us in the western world is that we have broken
the link between animals and meat. We think meat comes in cling-film from
the supermarket. If we made the connection between a living beast that we
slaughter for sustenance I think maybe we would look after the animals
better and we would also get rid of this weirdly subjective pecking order
that exists.




The full article contains 1221 words and appears in Scotland On Sunday
newspaper.
Last Updated: 09 February 2008 11:28 PM




.

Relevant Pages

  • Re: why we should all turn vegetarian
    ... in river how to eat? ... killed, sea animals are killed, just for game. ... And life is the same whether it is in human beings or in other ... animal from which the meat has come to enter in you. ...
    (soc.culture.singapore)
  • Re: Why did the GD audience always cheer when Jerry sang....
    ... eat too much of it. ... And fake bacon made from not meat products is healthier. ... I have no moral issues with killing animals for food ... Very humanitarian, no dead animals. ...
    (rec.music.gdead)
  • Re: Why did the GD audience always cheer when Jerry sang....
    ... eat too much of it. ... meat items sold for vegetarians. ... And fake bacon made from not meat products is healthier. ... I have no moral issues with killing animals for food, ...
    (rec.music.gdead)
  • Re: Ambedkar on hinduism (wrt untouchables and untouchability)
    ... > Muslims eat beef only if it has been "sacrificed", ... Moreover I already said filling ones stomach with meat of any kind, ... A Brahmana must never eat (the flesh of animals unhallowed by Mantras; ...
    (soc.culture.indian)
  • Re: why we should all turn vegetarian
    ... The>12000 abortions a yr in singapore is another form of violence. ... killed, sea animals are killed, just for game. ... And life is the same whether it is in human beings or in other ... animal from which the meat has come to enter in you. ...
    (soc.culture.singapore)
Loading