An article for Backgammon player

from iranian.com

A few nights ago, I was in the mood for playing a relaxing game of
backgammon on the Internet, the game I learned from masters in my
childhood. There are a few advantages in playing backgammon on the
Internet. Cheating is impossible and Korkory (bragging) is optional.

As soon as I opened a table, a player beeped and the game started.
Right at the very beginning, my opponent raised the stakes and
challenged me to do so. I doubled only when I was ahead.

What you are about to read is based on actual comments communicated
between us.

In the middle of the game, he opened where he shouldn't have (Lat
daad). And sure enough I hit him.

He wrote: NR (Which means nice role.)

I didn't reply as I sensed the sarcasm in his message.

A few minutes later, he commented: Can you possibly play slower than
this?

I didn't respond to this remark either because I am a civilized
Iranian who lives peacefully in America. I just wanted to have fun.

When I got far ahead in the game, I doubled the points and surprisingly
enough he accepted and offered a double out of spite.

Then he wrote: You are a chicken.

This message made me wonder. How could he possibly know what kind of
bird I was? Why a chicken and not a rooster for example? The contents
of his messages so far and his wrong assumptions convinced me that my
opponent was an uncultured individual, one who I could not possibly
relate to.

Another message came: I'm going to kick your a$$.

Once again, I kept my calm and let him kick my Dollar signs!

Then I rolled a nice shish o besh (six and five) and covered two of my
lats and blocked him in (shish daresh kardam). Evidently, as koon
shaance ovordam (literary means "I pulled luck out of my ass"). Please
note that only we Iranians are capable of pulling luck out of our ass!
We must admit this is one of our unique cultural advantages.

I raised the stakes once again. And this simple lucky roll of dice
sparked a clash of civilizations.

He immediately wrote: F#%& you.

I didn't understand this message but I had a feeling it could not
mean anything good.

I wrote: Khafeh sho, (loosely translated as "Shut up". "Khafeh
sho" is a more drastic measure than "Shut up". One can shut up
and still breath and have a normal life but a "khafeh shodeh"
person cannot breath because all major air passages are blocked
intentionally to achieve suffocation. The victim in this case will
permanently shut up! We may logically conclude that "Shut up" is an
insult and "Khafeh sho" is a criminal threat).

He wrote: I don't understand.

I wrote: Be bayzeye chape asbe hazrat abbas keh nafahmidi (Which
literary means "To the left testicle of the disciple Abbas' horse
that you didn't understand." For the sake of brevity, I won't
further explore the significance of the left testicle in the male
anatomy or the historical roots of this sweet Persian expression.)

He wrote: What an exotic language. Are you from Eastern Europe?

I didn't respond, as I was preoccupied with my joft shish (double
six).

He continued: Female?

Now he was hitting on me too! But I just wanted to be left alone and
enjoy the game.

I responded: Chi gofti?

He wrote: It must be Hebrew.

I wrote: Nagoftam khafeh sho? (Didn't I tell you to shut up?) I was
trying to avoid a confrontation.

He wrote: My name is ***.

I wrote: Akhe, *** ham shod esm folan folan shode? (You call "***" a
name?)

Unfortunately, explaining the "folan folan shodeh" segment of this
ancient curse for non-native speakers is a very challenging task. This
truly fascinating Persian curse is the most polite way of calling
someone the worse names you can ever imagine.

This is a very user friendly and lethal Persian curse. There are two
"folan"s in this curse. The first "folan" may be replaced by a
person's name that you want to insult and the second "folan" is
replaced by a bizarre sexual act you wish to perform on that person.

Iranians, who speak Farsi proficiently, may upgrade this curse by
adding two more "folan"s to achieve a higher level of insult. The
enhanced version of this curse allows you to insult anyone around the
world along with his family and the city he came from. It insults up to
six generations in one shot. The global reach of this curse is
astonishing.

Yes, our Iranian culture is complicated and we can be so creative when
it comes to cursing. It must be a result of our long painful history.
However, if you are not an experienced Farsi speaker, please do not try
this at home or consult with your father first.

Regrettably, because of our cultural differences, my opponent did not
properly absorb my comments. "***" was the only word in my message
that he understood!

He then joyfully wrote back: Yes, Yes I am D I C K.

I thought: Shaitoone migeh yek cheeze koloft baaresh kon taa haalesh
jaa beyaad. ("The devil is advising me to load him with a big one to
make him feel better." However I refrained, as it was a devilish
thought.)

Then he said: ENGLISH. YOU MUST SPEAK ENGLISH.

Now he was yelling at me. Besides, if I didn't know any English,
writing in capital letters wouldn't help me understand. Would it?

I politely responded: Be koon laghet khandidi. ("You laughed at your
own wobbly ass.")

Unfortunately, the history and the cultural origin of this beautiful
slang are unknown to this writer. "Kiss my Ass" might be considered
an English equivalent of this expression but I like our version better
for obvious reason. He could easily laugh at his own ass in the comfort
of his home versus kissing mine on the Internet.

He then wrote: You are not assimilated.

This comment reminded me of the two American think tanks -- Fukuyama
and Huntington -- who have emphasized the same issue for a long time.
They believe that all immigrants must get assimilated otherwise they
are potential threats to American society.

Although we exchanged so many cultural notes, obviously he had a long
way to go to understand our culture. We could easily relate based on
our common interest on the Internet, but *** was not willing to try.
So I had no choice but to "assimilate".

When I beat him in the game, I sent the final message in a language he
could understand. I wrote,

"Now, you are officially F#%&ed."

.