Re: Alternative to Wedding Registry -- Rainfall of Envelopes?

NeilM200@xxxxxxxxx wrote:
When asked about registries, my answer to date has been that "their
presence is my gift." However, some of my relatives refuse to accept
this answer and have been very persistant in asking my mother where I
have registered. As a result, she continues to pester me until I
register somewhere.

Believe me, I understand how it is with relatives who
pester. However, you don't have to cave. You can sit your
mother down and say, "Mom, I know they're putting pressure on
you, but here's the deal. I'm not going to register for a
pile of stuff we don't need and don't have room for. They are
welcome not to give us anything at all. We're not in this for
the loot. If they want to give something, I'm sure we will
treasure anything they wish to send [true--you'll treasure
the thought forever, if not the item itself]. If they want
to send cash to help us out toward [something you're saving
up for] then that's fine too. I'm sure you can figure out
how to express that to them tactfully. If all else fails,
tell them Miss Manners frowns on registries."

Our small apartment is crowded and we would really prefer not to
recieve gifts. My fiance and I are considering writing "no gifts
please" on our invitations. Is proper or is it also against the rules
of ettiquette?

It is very against the rules. Again, I *completely*
understand and sympathize with your desire not to accumulate
stuff you don't need, want, or have room for. However, this
just isn't your call. Your sending an invitation is not a
summons for a gift, so putting "no gifts" on it A) makes it
clear that you were expecting gifts until you oh-so-generously
let folks off the hook (an inappropriate expectation on your
part, however commonplace wedding gifts are) and B) offends
Great Aunt Beatrice who has been working on a quilt for your
wedding since the day you were born. Since you can't say,
"No gifts, please--unless you have something really cool,
or really sentimental, or rather small, or cash" you just
can't say much of anything.
What you *can* do, however, is a few things:

1) You can tell folks who ask what you want (or your mom
can tell those who pester her) that you have everything
you need and your apartment is very small and crowded.
That is essentially code for "cash would be nice" without
offending anyone.

2) If pressed, you or your Mom could say something along
the lines of, "I know there's not really anything that
they need and they'd be pleased just to see you at the
wedding, but if you want to do something and are
stumped, I do know that they're saving up for a down
payment."

3) If all else fails and you get six toasters, return or
sell them discreetly. You are under no obligation to
keep all the gifts. All you have to do is thank the
giver very nicely for the item and then you are free
to do as you like. You are only required to do it
in such a way that the giver won't know what you did
(and the giver is not allowed to snoop or pry about it ;-)

We have explored other options such as the "money
tree," but they are too tacky for our tastes.

Agreed.

Wedding planning is
difficult enough, and it's unfortunate that recieving gifts would
contribute to that stress.

It's only stressful if you make it so. Once you
realize that gifts are as out of your control as the weather,
you can simply put it behind you. Enjoy the thought behind
anything you receive, thank the givers nicely, and dispose
of whatever you don't wish to keep. It's okay. Really. I
know that this requires some effort on your part if you
end up having to dispose of lots of gifts, but sometimes
it is a little bit of work to be polite and spare others'
feelings. And you might even find that some of the non-cash
gifts people give you are things you never would have
imagined and are things that you will truly treasure.

Best wishes,
Ericka
.

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