101 Carlin quotes

I didn't trust this website for PCs so I copied and pasted this from
my Mac:

1. I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!
2. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them
are stupider than that.
3. Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning.
That’s just common sense!
4. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get
more stuff.
5. Have you ever noticed that their stuff is *** and your *** is
stuff?
6. I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life:
Not dying! I figured that *** out by myself in the third grade.
7. I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you
grow.
8. You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
9. If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball
team, who did they play?
10. Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember
that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
11. If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d
have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very
little.
12. No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.
13. There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are
seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7.
They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated
from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you
seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the
seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? ***, piss, ***, ***,
cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.
14. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime,
somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those
people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the
job done.”
15. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose
answers I accept.

16. Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
17. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living
in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day.
And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t
want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to
a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish
for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end
of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
18. Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with
widely scattered light by morning.
19. If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
20. If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has
cancer.
21. You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer
Texans.
22. Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
23. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She
said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker
from Guatemala.”
24. As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer
is.
25. If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find
me next door playing pinball.
26. The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently
passed each other in opposite directions.
27. I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and
be Mary.
28. I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
29. If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve
got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.
30. You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick.
31. By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
32. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but
anyone going faster is a maniac?
33. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do
“practice”?
34. I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but
more as suggestions.
35. I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line
is drawn and cross it deliberately.
36. When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re
born in America, you get a front-row seat.
37. Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is
to run out of it.
38. I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.
39. I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that
has a handbook.
40. I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a
man nailed to two pieces of wood.
41. Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion
are women you wouldn’t want to *** in the first place? There’s such
balance in nature.
42. So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let
live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot
the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in
our family.
43. Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.
44. Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents
of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us
promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
45. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and
despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
46. Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
47. Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist
Jr.
48. God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
49. I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
50. One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all
sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.
51. If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a
fourth sense?
52. What year did Jesus think it was?
53. George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our
Country.
54. Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in
encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because
volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people
to work for no pay for a long time.
55. In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
56. Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until
you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for.
Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead
soldiers.
57. “One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing
leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
58. No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to
hear it.
59. Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all
stays here.
60. The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have
assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear
them splash.
61. The future will soon be a thing of the past.
62. The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
63. The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a
courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not
commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of
lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work
environment.
64. Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.
65. The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
66. I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I
will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.
67. Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.
68. “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all
three major religions, and even vegetarians!
69. Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
70. And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the
National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “*** waffles.”
71. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
72. Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from
the ***.
73. Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is
cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
74. Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the
client?
75. I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I
realize I’m listening to it.
76. Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is
gettin’ ready to hang himself.
77. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to
be asleep to believe it.
78. If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could
wind up with nine-day weekends.
79. “Meow” means “woof” in cat.
80. Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
81. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid
just enough money not to quit.
82. “No comment” is a comment.
83. If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that
doesn’t work.
84. You can’t argue with a good blowjob.
85. Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the
moment they’re not actually dying.
86. So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
87. Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female
alcoholics ought to be told not to ***.
88. Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
89. When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of
sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.
90. The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people
who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little
practice.
91. I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
92. If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!
93. Hooray for most things!
94. Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work
things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from
getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
95. I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of
falling from heights.
96. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
97. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
98. Life is a zero sum game.
99. Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.
100. I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many
people who believe it.
101. It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the
butterfly gets all the glory.
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