Pros and Cons of the top 20 Dem Pres contenders


1.

HILLARY CLINTON

Pro: Known commodity; strong fundraiser.

Con: Polarizing; unlikely to woo those already opposed to her.



2.

BARACK OBAMA

Pro: Articulate; resembles foxy actor Blair Underwood.

Con: L.A. Law was kind of overrated now that you think about it.



3.

JOHN EDWARDS

Pro: Has strong appeal to working-class voters.

Con: As a resident of two Americas, he must raise twice as much money
and spend twice as much time campaigning.



4.

BILL RICHARDSON

Pro: Appeals to all Latino voters with the last name "Richardson."

Con: New Mexico is legally part of Mexico; therefore, he's
constitutionally ineligible.



5.

JOE BIDEN

Pro: Technically still running for president.

Con: Dude. Come on.



6.

*** CHENEY
IN AN ELABORATE LATEX DISGUISE
THAT TAKES FIVE HOURS TO APPLY

Pro: Trojan horse, my friend. Trojan fucking horse.

Con: Ruse would be so exciting that he would surely drop dead of a
massive stroke about a month before Iowa.



7.

OPTIMUS PRIME

Pro: Size; power; ability to emit short-range optic blasts.

Con: Potential attack ad: "Sometimes Optimus Prime is a robot, other
times a truck. Which is it, Mr. Prime? America deserves a leader that
doesn't transform whenever it's convenient."



8.

ROSS PEROT

Pro: Hilarity.

Con: None.



9.

DENNIS KUCINICH

Pro: Solid anti-war stance; adorable; strong to the finich.

Con: Election laws limit magical pixies to only one term in office.



10.

JIMMY CARTER

Pro: Nobel Prize winner; available; just as good at not knowing what
the hell to do about Iran as anyone else.

Con: Judging by photos, approximately 415 years old.



11.

ALLEN IVERSON

Pro: Instant offense.

Con: Selfish with the ball; may have lost a step.



12.

IRA GLASS

Pro: Thoughtful; self-effacing; like many Americans, enjoys cable
television.

Con: At present, no budget line item exists for moody introspective
music to underscore every statement president makes in order to make
it sound more poignant.



13.

BONO

Pro: Knowledgeable about global health issues; everyone seems to like
him; Joshua Tree album.

Con: Too busy hugging everyone to actually execute the duties of
office; no one likes the sound of "Vice President the Edge" or
"Secretary of Health and Human Services Larry Mullen Jr."; the whole
"Zoo TV" thing.



14.

AL GORE

Pro: Knows how to get to the White House, where to park, location of
restrooms.

Con: Wants to accomplish something meaningful.



15.

WALTER MONDALE

Pro: Has spent last 22 years going over tape, reviewing mistakes,
plotting, scheming, waiting, watching, preparing to pounce like a 79-
year-old Minnesotan panther.

Con: None.



16.

JESUS CHRIST

Pro: Could draw some initial interest from the Christian right until
they research his actual positions in a deeper way; likable; strong
leadership qualities.

Con: Unkempt; pretty far left; messianic complex.



17.

THAT ONE GUY WHO
SEEMED REALLY COOL

Pro: Remember? He was a senator or congressman or something? It was a
while ago. He seemed super-smart but also normal. I saw him this one
time.

Con: Crap, what was his name? Or was it a lady? Do you know who I'm
talking about? Crap.



18.

ZOMBIE LYNDON JOHNSON

Pro: Could sway red-state voters as well as Fangoria crowd; '60s-era
campus unrest has died down.

Con: Tendency to groan instead of talk could hurt chances in live
debates; constant need to feed on fresh brains could limit
campaigning.



19.

OPRAH WINFREY

Pro: Popular; influential; could rally the silent masses already
violently opposed to Jonathan Franzen.

Con: May only exacerbate nationwide Maya Angelou plague that has
decimated much of the nation.



20.

YOU

Pro: Gained valuable exposure as Time magazine's Person of the Year;
seems to be Internet-savvy.

Con: Ever since the Time thing, you've been awfully smug.




http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2007/4/18moe.html

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