Re: NC State bouncyball coaching search

Jim Bush, I've been to one world fair, a picnic, and a rodeo, and
that's the stupidest thing I ever heard come over a set of
earphones.

I asked Bobby Dylan, I asked the Beatles, I asked Tony Rice
<rtphokie@xxxxxxxxx>, but he couldn't help me either:

3rd hand credit to to TarHeelPatriot from "Inside Carolina"


"I have obtained the official NC State booster club's list of
potential coaches, and the odds of each guy becoming the new
coach, as they see it."

Potential Candidate: Odds that we choose him for the job, and
Pros and Cons:

John Wooden: 2-1. Pros: Won a lot in the past, almost as much as
NC State. Obviously would jump at the chance to coach a
perennial powerhouse like NC State. Cons: Old. Hasn't won much
recently, should we settle for that?

Mike Kryszewski: 3-1. Pros: Would clearly jump at the chance to
move up to a higher visibility program. Intimidates refs, so we
would get all the calls with him. Cons: Is Satan.

Dean Smith: 4-1. Pros: Understands the biggest rivalry in
sports, NC State/Carolina. We would get all the calls if we had
him. Cons: Dominated at State- as a coach of an opposing team.

Adolph Rupp: 5-1. Pros: won a lot in the past, almost as much as
NC State. Would appeal to rednecks in fanbase, which is just
about everyone. Cons: dead.

Red Auerbach: 6-1: Pros: Won a lot in the NBA. Smoking cigars
would go over well with tobacco state's fanbase. Cons: Unproven
at the college level.

Jim Calhoun: 6-1. Pros: would love to move up to this job, wins
a lot, no problem with players getting caught stealing stuff.
Cons: Connecticut Yankee.

Bob Knight: 7-1. Pros: Would obviously take the job in a
heartbeat. Fans would enjoy his lively personality and humor.
Cons: hasn't won enough to be considered a leading candidate for
a job this important. Possible backup plan if first choices
don't interview well.

Pat Riley: 7-1. Pros: would fit in well in cosmopolitan world
capital like Raleigh. Cons: Unproven at college level. Hasn't
won anything in a long time, we don't want to be living in the
past.

Phil Jackson: 8-1. Pros: Won a lot, would take the job in a
second, no doubt. Cons: pseudo-intellectualism would turn off
good ol' boy fanbase.

Les Robinson: 10-1. Pros: Experience with the job. Possibly the
cleanest coach in NC State history. Cons: Possibly the cleanest
coach in NC State history.

Terrell Owens: 11-1. Pros: well known, probably be a good
recruiter with today's young athletes. Would love to take the
job. Cons: Unproven in basketball.

Barry Bonds: 11-1. Pros: Could advise players on body-building
routine. We would have the strongest team in the country. Cons:
Too easygoing and friendly for this tough job.

Jim Valvano Jr.: 12-1. Pros: descended from greatest coach in
history of sports, would probably inherit the winning magic that
his father had. Cons: doesn't exist.

Everett Case: 15-1. Pros: Experience in the job. Cons: never won
the big one. We need someone who can take us to the next level,
not some retread.

Cozell McQueen: 16-1. Pros: Won it all at NC State. Cons: never
coached. Has a weird bumpy thing on his shoulder.

Chris Washburn: 17-1. Pros: Knows all about NC State basketball.
Cons: Too likely to get caught, not good at getting away with
stuff. Might be in jail.

Bill Gates: 18-1. Pros: No doubt he would want the job. Very
successful in his field. Experienced at putting rivals out of
business. Cons: Too geeky.

*** Vitale: 20-1. Pros: excitable, well known. Cons: would lose
to Duke on purpose.

Digger Phelps: 20-1. Pros: well known in college basketball.
Cons: tends to be wrong about everything.

Al Maguire: 21-1. Pros: good coach. His team stayed within 12
points of the greatest team in the history of sports in 1974
championship game. Cons: New York type. Also dead.

Eddie Sutton: 22-1. Pros: willing to do whatever it takes to
win. Cons: might be a wimp once he gets out of rehab.

Norm Sloan: 23-1. Pros: won it all at NC State. Cons: hard to
find the type of sport coats he prefers these days. Another
retread, unable to win once he left the NC State program. Also
dead.

Guy Lewis: 24-1. Pros: Good things happen to State when he's
around. Cons: another dead guy.

Billy Donovan: 25-1. Pros: would obviously love to take the job.
Cons: hasn't won it all yet. Do we want to settle for him when
we could have his mentor, Pitino?

Rick Pitino: 25-1. Pros: big winner, except with Celtics.
Obviously would want the job if offered. Cons: didn't even make
the NCAAs this year, would be a step down from Sendek.

Rick Barnes: 25-1. Pros: local guy, yelled at Dean Smith. Would
love to have a shot at this job. Cons: hasn't won enough to get
such a prestigious job.

Jim Boeheim: 26-1. Pros: won a lot. Cons: glasses-wearing yankee
wouldn't fly with fanbase.

Charles Shackelford: 27-1. Pros: Natural amphibious abilities
would come in handy. Cons: might shave points.

Myron Piggie: 28-1. Pros: Our type of guy, good connections with
recruits. Cons: no college coaching experience, might be in
jail.

Drew Rosenhaus: 30-1. Pros: slick negotiator, would be a good
recruiter. Cons: unproven as coach. Brags about players getting
paid, needs to learn to keep it quiet.

Jerry Tarkanian: 30-1. Pros: good recruiter, has experience at
dealing with our kind of players. Cons: Hasn't been caught in a
while, is he still willing to do what it takes?

Bob Staak: 35-1. Pros: ACC experience, good things happen to
State when he's coaching. Good buddy of Valvano. Cons: Valvano
loved him when he coached and recruited against NC State, not
for NC State.

That Guy Arizona State Just Hired: 35-1. Pros: Most successful
NC State Coach in decades. Cons: Never won anything."

If Inside Carolina wasn't the most Tarheelo-fascist message
board out there, this might have been funny.


Spend 6 hours in Raleigh and you'd realize this wasn't nonfiction
humor.

--
wjlmuttatyeahwhodotcom

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