Re: Fashion Police!

On Apr 15, 4:09 pm, discimu...@xxxxxxxxxxx wrote:
"You have to look good to play good." - Anonymous (just like me)

With the Series underway, there is something that I feel must be
addressed in order to stop us all from looking like jugglers and
hobos. There will be a greater amount media content and accessibility
to Ultimate content for the general public over the next 10 weeks
maybe than ever before, culminating in the live showing of the
National Championship on CSTV, which is technically considered
national TV. Technically. For this reason, and for many other reasons
I've decided to make some Ultimate players aware of the fact that they
look like total tool boxes on the field and some ways they can remedy
the situation.

Let me begin by saying this: Ultimate is one of the highest freedom of
expression games available on the game market right now. It is a
virtual choose your own adventure of sport. Ultimate players do
whatever they want, do whatever drugs they want and often make up
whatever rules they want on a complete whim. However, there is one
inescapable fact that many of you ignore - there is no making up the
rules of fashion. If you look like an ***, you look like an
***.

The main theme here is simple. Don't put yourself ahead of the team
for any reason. Your team has a set of team colors, based around both
jerseys and shorts. Build your look from this base up. Never, for any
reason, step outside of the color scheme of your team. To do so is to
blatantly put yourself and your own looks ahead of your team's. It
says, "I'd rather get high than show up to a track practice," or, "I'd
rather make decent grades than Nationals." It is an affront to your
friends who are giving it all in an effort to be greater than the sum
of their parts. Lastly, know that it is possible to be creative within
these constructs. You don't have to give up your individuality to look
good (which could be said as "make your team look good"). You just
have to recognize that being part of this team is an important part of
your individuality.

Bottom line is this, some of you will disagree with the details of
what I say, but the main ideas of team unity through common dress are
universal and shouldn't be messed with in any sport, even Monopoly.

From the bottom up

Shoes: I've posted on this cluster*** of a time sink before in favor
of football cleats but that's not what this is about. The main
question is this: How eccentric can I get with my cleats? The answer
is this: Pretty eccentric. Wearing cleats that fall outside of your
team's color schemes is actually one of the few places it's okay to
stray. They can be the white wall tires of your look. Black cleats are
run of the mill and that's okay, but white cleats are really where
it's at. White cleats make you look faster and can serve as a
distraction to your foes, but beware, you could also dazzle yourself
into a drop. There is another step this can be taken to, but it is
advised only for fashion black belts. Cleats with bright yellow trim
are the white wizard of footwear. The power is awesome, but absolute
power corrupts absolutely. These cleats are only to be worn on the
feet of the very top tier of players, if you are not the best player
on your team, or possibly even your region (New England) don't even
consider it.

Take home message. Black is good, White is better. Team color trim is
not required, but does earn bonus points.

Socks: (For notes on high socks, read: flair) If you only take one
thing away from this post, let it be this: DO NOT EVER WEAR WHITE
ANKLE SOCKS WITH BLACK CLEATS. Nothing shows a lack of respect for
yourself and your teammates like ignoring this painfully obvious faux
pas. You know that old man who walks around in the park wearing
business socks with white sneakers? You look like him, seriously. This
is the worst look available, never do it. Ever. Wear short socks that
are barely visible over the top of your cleat. Black socks with white
cleats are okay, black with black, white with white, team color with
anything are all considered okay, just not white socks with black
cleats. Ever.

Take home message. Go to your sock drawer, find all the white ankle
socks, throw them in the garbage.

Shorts: I'm going to assume that if you're making Regionals, you
already have matching team shorts or at least a decided upon team
color. If you don't, switch to bowling immediately. The main thing
with deciding upon team shorts, unless you are Florida, is determining
the correct color to go with both of your team jerseys. The only
acceptable one-color schemes are: white with white (Wimbledon) Texas
and Oregon have rocked this look in the past and made it work quite
well or; black with black (forces of evil) the amount of teams who
have done this cannot be enumerated. No spectral-color-on-same-
spectral-color schemes are allowed. For this reason, the author
encourages teams to go in one of two directions. 1. The color not-
technically-a-color short (this means black, white or silver/grey).
This look allows you to go Wimbledon or forces of evil (Wisconsin,
Texas) or you could just have a color that doesn't distract from your
good looking jerseys (Georgia, Florida). The other choice is only
available in limited situations where your team has two team colors,
not including white or black. Going with your school's secondary color
for shorts is then an acceptable option. For example, Michigan could
where yellow shorts with white and navy jerseys. This is less common
because there are fewer opportunities to do it and, when there are
opportunities, they often look uncool  (like yellow shorts, for
example).

Take home message. Shorts should complement both jerseys without being
a distraction.

Jerseys: I've always been a big fan of going with your school colors
and logo (even team nickname?), but I understand the historical
implications for places like Wisconsin and respect them. (How funny is
it when Kansas plays Wisconsin, by the way?) With that in mind I'll
keep this brief- The center chest logo has historically been the way
to go, however, I've recently seen some jerseys that were printed off-
center and I really liked them (Harvard '07 especially). I'd like to
see more teams experiment with alternative looks like a left breast
logo or a low offset logo, but the center chest is a safe and reliable
option. Another trend I've liked recently is that teams haven't
necessarily gone with a one color, one white. Wisconsin and Colorado
have done this for years and I think it's a cool alternative if you
have a hard time coming up with a cool looking white. Sockeye starting
doing this in '06, it's worked pretty good for them.

Take home message. Be daring and you could be rewarded.

Hats: First of all, in decent weather (above 50 degrees) any hat that
is not a baseball cap is unacceptable. Beanies, boat hats, fireman's
helmets etc. will not be tolerated and if I see you in one, I may walk
up to you and take it off. VISORS FOR MEN ARE NEVER ACCEPTABLE- come
on, this isn't 1998, and you're not Lance Bass. The trucker hat: this
has been a widely debated topic and I'm here to lay some ground rules.
First of all, I've been a trucker hat wearer in the past and I never
felt bad about it, but the number one rule applies. Don't wear
anything that takes away from your team's color scheme. Some good
options include: 1. a hat from a team in another division that you
like. i.e. if you were on Texas, a Seattle Riot hat, with its black
mesh, white front and red and orange logo would be perfect; 2. A hat
from a major ultimate or sports apparel company, Puma, Gaia, Five (no
fuzzy hats on the field, please) Adidas are all cool. Nike is okay,
but no Tiger Woods hats, please, this sport is everything golf isn't.
3. An official team hat. I realize this can be expensive, otherwise it
would be required, but if it is economically feasible, a team hat is a
great idea (a side note here: if there is a team hat readily available
and you choose to wear a beer hat instead on national TV, I hate you
as much as you apparently hate Ultimate. Not cool.) The other hat
option is, of course, a hat that reps your school. The closer your
team jerseys to your actual school logo, the better an idea this
becomes. Texas, Florida, Illinois are all highly encouraged to
participate in this type of hat wearing. Wisconsin, UCSB are
discouraged. If you go with this option, wear a fitted hat.

Take home message. Wear a hat that, if it were required, could be a
part of your team uniform. Don't wear visors, ever.

Hair: The truth is, hair is a detriment to your performance as an
Ultimate player. The more of it you have the slower you will be.
Obviously, this is limitedly true, but it is true (Steve Prefontaine
and Michael Jordan had differing opinions on hair length but both were
successful.) A life lesson: pony tails on men are for Europeans and
porn store clerks only. Other than that, keep a reasonable hair style
and you should do fine. For unreasonable hair styles, just look at
Wisconsin over the last two years at Nationals. Faux Hawks, Corn Rows
and bleached blonde hair are all discouraged strongly. Think of the
game as a job interview where you're interviewing for the National
Championship. Would you show up to such an important interview with
corn rows? No. Other than that, I just wanted to note that the whole
team Mohawk thing is a little played out. Don't get me started on
Dusty Becker in Columbus last year. Hopefully, he uses his brain in
'08.

Take home message. If your Mom thinks you look dumb, you probably do.

Underclothes (by this I mean sleeves and tights etc.): Under Armour is
a good idea for players who lay out a lot because it really does save
you some scratches. Sleeves and tights are okay if the weather is
right for them. Make sure to follow you common sense when choosing
colors. Black or your team's secondary color (so it compliments
whatever item of clothing it appears from under) are usually your best
options.

Take home message. Use common sense and you should be fine.

Arm/wrist bands: Arm bands don't count as flair because they are
definitely performance enhancing, however, they can serve the same
purpose of flair without you looking like you're trying too hard. If
you are looking for some individuality in your look, arm bands are a
great opportunity. It's all about finding the right combination of
looks and performance enhancement. Your team's secondary color is the
best option for color, but you can get creative here. Try different
options with your arm bands. You can wear one near your left elbow and
one near your right wrist. You can wear two wrist bands on one arm
(Kurt Gibson, '06). You can wear two different colors on opposite
arms. Play around. Because wrist bands are relatively small, they
don't take away from the team aspect of wearing a uniform as long as
you wear the right colors, but you can distinguish yourself as a
particularly stylish member of your team by using them effectively.

Take home message. Be creative with the right bands and be a winner.

Head bands: This is a tough one to me because, head bands are
definitely performance enhancing, and the correct color to not mess
with the uniform can easily be found. However, I've never, not even
once, seen a white guy pull this look off and make it look good. They
end up looking like business people playing racquet ball on their
lunch break. Aaron Bell did it without any trouble whatsoever, but
nearly half of Wisconsin is currently giving the head band a bad name.
You can get the same practical effect from a backwards hat, by the
way. Wear it if you must, just know that you're no Ben Wallace.

Take home message. You're not Ben Wallace.

Flair: Flair is defined as any item that is worn for no discernable
performance enhancement that is designed to separate oneself from
others around him. Generally, flair goes against the main principle of
the Fashion Police and the team mentality altogether.  I'm now going
to go over a list of common flair- be warned, most of it is considered
unacceptable.

Jewelry: No! Not only do you look like a preening jackass, you're
being dangerous. Don't wear watches on the field either. Take that
eyebrow ring out right now, Blink 182 guy.

Bandanas: No! Either get a hat or get an eye patch and peg leg. What
is this? Thelma and Louise?

Leg bands: No! Do you really need to keep sweat off of your ankle?

Gloves: If you are not Japanese, don't wear gloves. If you are
Japanese, wear gloves.

A weird color of shorts: No! This isn't Bayside High, Jesse Spano.
UCF, I'm talking to you.

Knee brace: No! Just kidding, if you wear a knee brace on doctor's
orders, keep wearing it.

Eye black: No! Don't try to tell me that this has a purpose, it
doesn't other than "intimidating" your opponent. Nobody is scared
dude, you just look dumb.

Face paint: Absolutely not! This looks dumb to start with, but it
looks worse when you start to sweat and it runs all over the place.

Team tattoo: This is a good idea, as long as you're not the only one
to have it on your team. Everyone having it in the same location is
lame though, move it around a little.

High socks: Generally, no. However, each team is allowed to have one
"high socks guy." The requirements are: 1. He must be a handler 2. He
must be under 5'9" and 155 lbs. 3. He must lay out A LOT, even when
it's not that close 4. The socks have to be the right color. 5. If two
qualifying players want to wear high socks, they must battle to the
death (your team doesn't need two 5'8" squirrelly guys anyway).  One
high sock, and one low sock is an absolute No!

When my friends ask me about Ultimate, I feel proud to show them the
newest Seattle Sockeye highlight video. They can see the game at its
best and everyone on the screen looks like a semi-professional
athlete. That's because they basically are and, by and large, they act
like it. They train like it, they think like it and they dress like
it. For better or worse however, the college game has more
opportunities for broad exposure and we're not holding up our end of
the bargain as far as selling our game to the general populace.
College players, let's follow the example of elite Club players and
make our game look the best it can. Thanks for reading (yeah right,
nobody read this far).

Some of you will disagree with the details of what I say, but the main
ideas of team unity through common dress are universal and shouldn't
be messed with in any sport, even Monopoly.

dude, thanks for the queer eye.
just don't rub you hand a long the bottom of the stall while I'm
taking a dump.
.