Fresh Breath. It just ain't worth it.

So I'm giving up mouthwash. Cold turkey, at least for a month, and
thereafter only on special occasions. It's not that I'm a big fan of
halitosis, or that I'm repulsed by the disgusting marketing practices
of the distributors, or even that I'm bothered by the several hundred
Cairn Terriers killed each year in the testing of the products. It's
just that I miss the burn.

Years past, every now and again I'd find myself in a strange bathroom,
alone, with time on my hands. And there it would be. A stern looking
bottle of Listerine, Original flavor, just daring me to belly up.
Hesitantly at first, I'd fondle the bottle, reading the label in bits
and pieces, and then fully through. With a nervous glance over my
shoulder, I'd unscrew the cap and quickly take a good sized pull -
hoping I'd be able to handle it all. Usually I'd overdo it by just a
bit and have to eject some into the sink. And then I'd start...

Slowly swirling the astringent around my mouth I'd begin to feel that
tingling sensation. And then I'd start to feel it in my mouth as well.
Once it started there was no stopping, I'd vigorously plunge that
Listerine around my mouth until tears were dripping from my eyes. I'd
tilt my head back and gargle until the tip of my tongue were toasted
like a marshmellow on the verge of combustion, the sking starting to
char arond the edges, the flesh beginning to soften.

And then I'd spit, look at my tear-stained face in the mirror, and
shriek like a maniac at the top of my lungs. Inevitably the host would
come running, and I'd frantically fumble with the locked door in a loud
and obnoxious manner. Once opened, I'd calmly state "Claustrophobia.
My most humble apologies. Would you mind fixing me a drink?".
Empathic hotties would swarm, tending to my damaged psyche, and,
eventually, to my undamaged physiology.

And that is why I have forsaken the daily use of mouthwash.

JP
*********************
Galley.

.

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