Re: Iceland declares America its latest rural backwater


"Roger & Lorraine Martin" <rmar7344@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote in message
news:j93Ve.30759$FA3.15876@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
> To the ex citizens of the Disunited States of America, following
> your entry into the Third World;
>
> We the people of Iceland declare sovereignty over the
> land mass once known as the United States of America.

***. Well, we have about 10,000. One less nuclear weapon, one less
eurotrash state.

Mike


>
> As the original discoverers of the Americas, the longest running
> democracy in world history and that the current royal family can
> trace a lineage back to Erik Keeper of the Fish Barrel,
> His Sovereign Majesty Bjorn Bjorn III, Son of Bjorn Bjorn II
> and grandson of Mathilde IX will commence duties next Monday
> week after sorting out the mess in Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran and
> New Orleans. On Sunday afternoon he will have a liquid lunch
> with the leaders and sort out some compromises without invasions
> or threats of nuclear holocaust.
>
> His Majesty has already appointed a Minister for the Disunited States
> of America and he will be arriving in the new provincial capital of
> Boise, Idaho. Boise was chosen because of the nice way that
> Bill Bryson writes about it in his book "Im a stranger here myself",
> and Bjorn Bjorn III is a big fan of Bryson's.
>
> To aid with the smooth transition from rogue state to a quiet little
> backwater of Icelandic culture the following laws have been
> declared by Bjorn Bjorn III.
>
> 1. Until you have mastered Icelandic you will use sign language,
> every person must carry a copy of the Oxford University Press
> Icelandic to Sign Language dictionary. If you can write, you should
> write your name on the inside cover. Please note that Bill Gates has
> already been arrested for crimes against the English Language - there
> is no such thing as US English. Plus his Majesty is really pissed off
> at all the "Windows Protection Error, your computer will now
> shutdown" messages, so its likely Bill will be getting what most of
> us have wanted to do to him for 20 years.
>
> Icelandic lessons are compulsory and your
> knowledge of the Icelandic language will used to verify your fitness
> to vote in the upcoming* Provincial elections. Literacy tests are not a
> new concept to Americans having only recently been stopped in
> many of the American States to qualify black people to vote, however
> our tests will not include pages of Hebrew, just Icelandic so you should
> be able to adjust to this very quickly even if they are fair to all.
>
> *Please note that "upcoming" means when his Majesty feels like it.
>
> 2. Your Provincial Anthem will from now on be the Mickey Mouse Club
> Song, mouse ears must be worn when signing the song. Until you can take
> your place amongst civilised countries and have a decent national anthem
> which does not encourage xenophobia you will have to make do.
>
> 3. The people in Iceland will hold a referendum next year about the name
> for their old province, their will be no mambi pambi left wing
consultation
> process, you will be told what the name will be.
>
> 4. After some secret diplomacy from Mexico in the past few weeks his
> Majesty has decided to give back Texas and California on the proviso
> that Bush and Schwarzenneger go with the transfer. All current residents
> not already Mexicans in those States will become part Mexicans on Monday.
> His Majesty has negotiated a human rights deal whereby part Mexicans will
be
> allowed to work for full Mexicans at slave labour rates but will not have
> the opportunity to flee back over the border.
>
> 5. Florida will be given to the Cubans, just an acknowledgement of
reality.
>
> 5. New York will be returned to the Dutch and given its old name of
> New Amsterdam. If you reside in New Amsterdam you can expect to be
> working on the new canals in your spare time. The upside is that about
> 95% of all crimes in New Amsterdam will cease when drugs become legal.
>
> 6. Alaska is a dilemma, but has far more in common with Canada than
> Icelanders, so it is likely that if we can pay the Canadians enough money
> they will take Alaska off our hands. Obviously you must expect your taxes
> to rise a little to pay for the luxury of divesting yourselves of such a
> wasteland. Whilst we are talking about Canada, that stupid bit of the old
> USA that sticks up into Canada near Vancouver has got to go.
>
> 7. The right to bare arms, we Icelanders have never understood your
> fascination with bare arms, but if it makes you happy you can still bare
> your arms, or your breasts, or your backsides.
>
> 8. The public holiday that you once celebrated on July 4th will no
> longer be acknowledged and all references to it in your school books,
> libraries, museums, etc. will be erased. This deal was struck with the
> Vietnamese who have agreed to rice in exchnage for renaming the
> day as "The glorious day of remeberance when the poor
> downtrodden people of Vietnam beat the running dogs of Yankee capitalism
and
> Western greed" day.
>
> His Majesty has also agreed to allow Vietnam, Laos and Cambodia to
> bomb Washington with carpets, which, considering they have to buy the
> carpets from Iran is an admirable jesture of goodwill by them.
>
> 9. Cars are vehicles made by Germans and Japanese, if you don't own
> a car yet you will be doing a lot of walking.
>
> 10. World fuel parity pricing will commence immediately, this will
> mean that you will be paying at least five times what you are currently
> paying. This will help you to curb your insatiable thirst for 80% of the
> world's available energy.
>
> 11. Energy and fiscal policy, you will no longer be allowed to buy fuel
> from Saudi Arabia with money they lend you to buy the fuel. You are
> bankrupt, get used to the idea of living within your means.
>
> 12. Your collective debt to the rest of world currently stands at a little
> over US$345,000 for each man, woman and child in the old USA.
> To ensure that the rest of the world still remains charitable we have
> commenced a debt restructuring process along the lines advocated
> by most US Governments to countries in Africa. All public funding for
> anything will stop immediately, this will at least enable the interest
> to be paid at the end of each month. The Saudi Royal Family have
> agreed to take blonde females between the ages of 18 and 24 in
> part payment for the US$125 billion you owe them for oil that you
> took and used but never paid for.
>
> 13. The Indigenous Hawaiians were never asked if they wanted to
> be US Citizens, so in a remarkable quirk of fate his Majesty has
> decided not to consult with non indigenous Hawaiians about handing
> back the Islands to their rightful owners. Those wishing not to stay can
> leave for California or Texas in the next few days.
>
> 14. World Series Baseball and Football is to be renamed by his
> Majesty, needless to say it will not involve the word "world" as more
> than one country has to play the game for it to be considered a
> world game. His majesty has always enjoyed the real game of
> football which involves a round ball and use of the feet so expect
> to learn some new rules. Our all girl team will teach you how to
> play the game and they have agreed to a transitional period so
> that you can continue to wear body armour and take a break every
> 30 seconds and an even longer break every five minutes for the
> TV commercials to air on time.
>
> His Majesty has already decreed that baseball is a girls game and
> is nothing more than a game of rounders with men in tights instead
> of girls in tights. If you must have a game with a bat and ball you may
> want to learn the game of cricket which has a real world series.
>
> 15. The age of consent has been increased in all areas to 25 for
> males and 45 for females in an attempt by his Majesty to breed
> out the very worst aspects of the genetic gene pool. Specially
> trained units will be visiting States with legalised paedophillia with
> age of consent laws at 14 or lower and castrating males with
> "wives" twenty years or younger than themselves. Virgins are
> no longer girls who can run faster than their male relatives, they
> are all women upto the age of 45.
>
> 16. His Majesty has decided that for a short period of time
> personal liberty and safety will be enhanced by the following
> methods; for each rape 1000 males will be castrated, this is
> good news for all females as by the end of next year at least
> 89 million males will have lost their tackle. For each murder
> of an ex US Politician their will be a life time pension granted
> to the individual who does this public service, they will also
> receive immunity from the castrators hammer.
>
> 17. Gun ownership, his Majesty's comments were "forget it,
> they cant be trusted not to shoot each other, hmmm maybe
> I shall give them all a Magnum handgun and they can play at
> being Dirty Harrys", so expect a gun in the mail soon.
>
> 18. Hollywood, his Majesty has decreed that Hollywood films
> and TV productions must depict historical events truthfully
> and must not have ethnic stereotyping of good guys bad guys.
>
> eg: Films about the American War in Vietnam must depict
> all soldiers as either drunk or stoned when machine gunning
> civilians whilst being threatened with summary execution from
> their officers if they fail to kill enough people. They will also
> depict the "body counters" as innumerate.
>
> eg: Any film depicting the use of guns must have an X rating,
> films depicting white christian couples in a married, consensual
> sexual relationship showing more than a train rushing into a
> tunnel may have R ratings.
>
> Film and TV productions must have at least one Icelandic
> star in them, this will mean that script writers had better get used
> to writing parts for Bjork.
>
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