Iceland declares America its latest rural backwater

To the ex citizens of the Disunited States of America, following
your entry into the Third World;

We the people of Iceland declare sovereignty over the
land mass once known as the United States of America.

As the original discoverers of the Americas, the longest running
democracy in world history and that the current royal family can
trace a lineage back to Erik Keeper of the Fish Barrel,
His Sovereign Majesty Bjorn Bjorn III, Son of Bjorn Bjorn II
and grandson of Mathilde IX will commence duties next Monday
week after sorting out the mess in Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran and
New Orleans. On Sunday afternoon he will have a liquid lunch
with the leaders and sort out some compromises without invasions
or threats of nuclear holocaust.

His Majesty has already appointed a Minister for the Disunited States
of America and he will be arriving in the new provincial capital of
Boise, Idaho. Boise was chosen because of the nice way that
Bill Bryson writes about it in his book "Im a stranger here myself",
and Bjorn Bjorn III is a big fan of Bryson's.

To aid with the smooth transition from rogue state to a quiet little
backwater of Icelandic culture the following laws have been
declared by Bjorn Bjorn III.

1. Until you have mastered Icelandic you will use sign language,
every person must carry a copy of the Oxford University Press
Icelandic to Sign Language dictionary. If you can write, you should
write your name on the inside cover. Please note that Bill Gates has
already been arrested for crimes against the English Language - there
is no such thing as US English. Plus his Majesty is really pissed off
at all the "Windows Protection Error, your computer will now
shutdown" messages, so its likely Bill will be getting what most of
us have wanted to do to him for 20 years.

Icelandic lessons are compulsory and your
knowledge of the Icelandic language will used to verify your fitness
to vote in the upcoming* Provincial elections. Literacy tests are not a
new concept to Americans having only recently been stopped in
many of the American States to qualify black people to vote, however
our tests will not include pages of Hebrew, just Icelandic so you should
be able to adjust to this very quickly even if they are fair to all.

*Please note that "upcoming" means when his Majesty feels like it.

2. Your Provincial Anthem will from now on be the Mickey Mouse Club
Song, mouse ears must be worn when signing the song. Until you can take
your place amongst civilised countries and have a decent national anthem
which does not encourage xenophobia you will have to make do.

3. The people in Iceland will hold a referendum next year about the name
for their old province, their will be no mambi pambi left wing consultation
process, you will be told what the name will be.

4. After some secret diplomacy from Mexico in the past few weeks his
Majesty has decided to give back Texas and California on the proviso
that Bush and Schwarzenneger go with the transfer. All current residents
not already Mexicans in those States will become part Mexicans on Monday.
His Majesty has negotiated a human rights deal whereby part Mexicans will be
allowed to work for full Mexicans at slave labour rates but will not have
the opportunity to flee back over the border.

5. Florida will be given to the Cubans, just an acknowledgement of reality.

5. New York will be returned to the Dutch and given its old name of
New Amsterdam. If you reside in New Amsterdam you can expect to be
working on the new canals in your spare time. The upside is that about
95% of all crimes in New Amsterdam will cease when drugs become legal.

6. Alaska is a dilemma, but has far more in common with Canada than
Icelanders, so it is likely that if we can pay the Canadians enough money
they will take Alaska off our hands. Obviously you must expect your taxes
to rise a little to pay for the luxury of divesting yourselves of such a
wasteland. Whilst we are talking about Canada, that stupid bit of the old
USA that sticks up into Canada near Vancouver has got to go.

7. The right to bare arms, we Icelanders have never understood your
fascination with bare arms, but if it makes you happy you can still bare
your arms, or your breasts, or your backsides.

8. The public holiday that you once celebrated on July 4th will no
longer be acknowledged and all references to it in your school books,
libraries, museums, etc. will be erased. This deal was struck with the
Vietnamese who have agreed to rice in exchnage for renaming the
day as "The glorious day of remeberance when the poor
downtrodden people of Vietnam beat the running dogs of Yankee capitalism and
Western greed" day.

His Majesty has also agreed to allow Vietnam, Laos and Cambodia to
bomb Washington with carpets, which, considering they have to buy the
carpets from Iran is an admirable jesture of goodwill by them.

9. Cars are vehicles made by Germans and Japanese, if you don't own
a car yet you will be doing a lot of walking.

10. World fuel parity pricing will commence immediately, this will
mean that you will be paying at least five times what you are currently
paying. This will help you to curb your insatiable thirst for 80% of the
world's available energy.

11. Energy and fiscal policy, you will no longer be allowed to buy fuel
from Saudi Arabia with money they lend you to buy the fuel. You are
bankrupt, get used to the idea of living within your means.

12. Your collective debt to the rest of world currently stands at a little
over US$345,000 for each man, woman and child in the old USA.
To ensure that the rest of the world still remains charitable we have
commenced a debt restructuring process along the lines advocated
by most US Governments to countries in Africa. All public funding for
anything will stop immediately, this will at least enable the interest
to be paid at the end of each month. The Saudi Royal Family have
agreed to take blonde females between the ages of 18 and 24 in
part payment for the US$125 billion you owe them for oil that you
took and used but never paid for.

13. The Indigenous Hawaiians were never asked if they wanted to
be US Citizens, so in a remarkable quirk of fate his Majesty has
decided not to consult with non indigenous Hawaiians about handing
back the Islands to their rightful owners. Those wishing not to stay can
leave for California or Texas in the next few days.

14. World Series Baseball and Football is to be renamed by his
Majesty, needless to say it will not involve the word "world" as more
than one country has to play the game for it to be considered a
world game. His majesty has always enjoyed the real game of
football which involves a round ball and use of the feet so expect
to learn some new rules. Our all girl team will teach you how to
play the game and they have agreed to a transitional period so
that you can continue to wear body armour and take a break every
30 seconds and an even longer break every five minutes for the
TV commercials to air on time.

His Majesty has already decreed that baseball is a girls game and
is nothing more than a game of rounders with men in tights instead
of girls in tights. If you must have a game with a bat and ball you may
want to learn the game of cricket which has a real world series.

15. The age of consent has been increased in all areas to 25 for
males and 45 for females in an attempt by his Majesty to breed
out the very worst aspects of the genetic gene pool. Specially
trained units will be visiting States with legalised paedophillia with
age of consent laws at 14 or lower and castrating males with
"wives" twenty years or younger than themselves. Virgins are
no longer girls who can run faster than their male relatives, they
are all women upto the age of 45.

16. His Majesty has decided that for a short period of time
personal liberty and safety will be enhanced by the following
methods; for each rape 1000 males will be castrated, this is
good news for all females as by the end of next year at least
89 million males will have lost their tackle. For each murder
of an ex US Politician their will be a life time pension granted
to the individual who does this public service, they will also
receive immunity from the castrators hammer.

17. Gun ownership, his Majesty's comments were "forget it,
they cant be trusted not to shoot each other, hmmm maybe
I shall give them all a Magnum handgun and they can play at
being Dirty Harrys", so expect a gun in the mail soon.

18. Hollywood, his Majesty has decreed that Hollywood films
and TV productions must depict historical events truthfully
and must not have ethnic stereotyping of good guys bad guys.

eg: Films about the American War in Vietnam must depict
all soldiers as either drunk or stoned when machine gunning
civilians whilst being threatened with summary execution from
their officers if they fail to kill enough people. They will also
depict the "body counters" as innumerate.

eg: Any film depicting the use of guns must have an X rating,
films depicting white christian couples in a married, consensual
sexual relationship showing more than a train rushing into a
tunnel may have R ratings.

Film and TV productions must have at least one Icelandic
star in them, this will mean that script writers had better get used
to writing parts for Bjork.









.

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