Re: New Half Year's Resolutions

Calvin Rice wrote:
Here we are, on the evening of June 30, New Half Year's Eve.
Tomorrow is New Half Year's Day, July 1, 4013 A.D.

I've made my resolutions; have you?

Okay, I'll play. After all, today is the deadline for making
resolutions, right?

In case some of you don't know, I have a lawsuit pending, which I plan
on winning. Once I've received a sizable settlement, I plan on getting
out of Joisey and doing a little traveling. Of course, on my travels I
plan to visit each and every one of you!

1. At Cleo's, we will don our western cowgirl outfits (leave hubby
home), and head out to Chippendales for the ultimate girls' night out.
After we've had enough of that, and our dribble bibs are saturated,
we'll return home to look through her Paul Newman scrapbook (which
she's been faithfully keeping up-to-date her whole life), listen to
Elmer Bernstein scores, and eat chocolates until we puke. Perhaps
while there, she'll share her secret recipe with me for making the
perfect boiled Parsnip Stew. Yummy!!!

2. At Gummy's, he will teach me the secrets of divine meditation, in
order to achieve an out-of-body experience. Once back on Earth, we
will pack up several cases of Iron City Beer (leave Marlene home) and
head out to Heinz Field to watch our Super Bowl Champions, the
PITTSBURGH STEELERS kick some NFL ass! After the game, there's only
one thing left to do......PARTY ON!!!!!!

3. Overseas at T.G.'s, I will be shown all the beautiful English
countryside that I've been longing to see. We'll all go to a Leeds
United football game, where I'll finally get to wear my jersey and not
have people ask, "Who are THEY?" On the way home I plan on taking his
two beautiful girls on the most extravagant shopping spree they've ever
known....Yes, I'd love to spoil them! Back at the homestead, we'll all
gorge ourselves with Mrs. T.G.'s world-famous chile, and later, settle
in to listen to Morricone and Shostakovich. If T.G. promises not to
make fun of how short I am, he may rest his elbow on my head. (I'd
best remember to take my muscle relaxants to help with the inevitable
stiff neck I'll suffer from looking UP the whole time!)

4. At Gregger's he will read to me his kazillion-paged dissertation
that won him his Ed.D. When I wake up, perhaps he'll take me to a
Kentucky bluegrass festival, where we'll stomp our feet, and down mint
juleps and shots of Southern Comfort. Once I have him good and
sloshed, we'll return home, where I'll toss him into the shower and try
to convince him to open his eyes and look. Yes, Doc. EVERYONE'S naked
body is beautiful! (Whew! Is it getting warm in here?)

5. At Moonie's, I will try to count the number of CD's in his
collection. Then we'll head off to Disney World, where we'll meet up
with a mutual friend of ours, who will get us in for free! Of course,
Moonie will love the songs on the rides "It's a Small World" and
"Pirates of the Carribean," and will ask the head of the park where he
can by the CD (or if it's available for download). I suspect that the
remainder of my time spent there will be persuing the quest of finding
a score that Moonie DOESN'T like!

6. At Bob's, we will participate in pagan rituals.....banging drums,
howling like wolves, and dancing naked in the moonlight. When someone
comes to bail us out of jail, we will return home to listen and discuss
our favorite classical pieces, romantic/symphonic film music, and
Danish composers. We'll conclude our listening with Rozsa's
"Spellbound" directed by Elmer Bernstein, and lose ourselves in that
'emotional firestorm!'

7. While at Dana's Floridian abode, he will take me on an airboat
tour of the Everglades, where he will wrestle and capture a wild
alligator (a ritual that proves ultimate manliness), which we'll take
back with us and barbecue on his grill for dinner. We will imbibe in
all sorts of exotic, tropical drinks (ya know, the kind with fruit on
skewers and those fancy little umbrellas), and we'll laugh endlessly at
the arrogance and endless determination of Dan Hobgood and his
adoration of Ayn Rand.

8. And finally, it's off to Parsnipland, where I get to visit with my
favorite red veggie. I will immediately befriend his two cats, and
they will share secrets with me, not only about the private habits of
Red, but also the secret hiding place of the missing spiders. I will
then amuse myself by rearranging the Pez dispenser collection as well
as the bath toys. Then we'll both head out with discmans (Finzi for
him, Rozsa for me) for a lively jaunt around the lake.....Red will be
peddling his bike with me in tow, on rollerblades. Hey Cleo, if I whip
him harder, will he go faster? When he runs out of steam, we'll head
back for peanutbutter and jelly sandwiches and vegetarian souffles.
We'll watch all of his episodes of the Avengers, and I'll be wearing my
Emma Peel catsuit and doing karate kicks. If he's a really good boy,
I'll let him hold my Italian Beretta 7.65!

*As for the rest of you (whom I'm not so familiar with), perhaps you
can convince me to come for a visit with you as well. Remember, I'll
be packing a ton of Rozsa and a ton of money!!!!*

9. Return home to my retreat on my own private island, write a
best-seller recalling my travels and encounters, and begin interviewing
candidates for a cabana boy who will tend to my every need!

Now how's THAT for a resolution?!?!?!

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