Re: I am stuck (long long)

I have been thinking a lot about all of these suggestions, and trying to
figure out which ones make sense for me. And was debating how to respond.
I have decided against responding individually one by one, because I don't
want to clutter up the message board. So instead, I sat the last day or so
and jotted down ideas that jumped out at me from each message... "buy a new
guitar"... "find people to play with"... etc. And I think it's easier for
me to just look at the list I've created and respond now from my gut. All
of it has helped me to realize why I might be stuck, and what my priorities
are in terms of my music. So thanks to all of you.

First... no, I did not really play on Sunday. Well, I tried. The first
response I saw was Al's, which made me smile. Because Al, your playing in
Texas last year, and the songwriting workshop you gave, were so incredibly
inspirational to me... it's what made me want to come home and try that
songwriting class. And I did imagine you dragging me off to an Austin Song
Circle. So I DID try to "tear down the walls" (actually, though I mostly
fingerpick, I do own flatpicks too and occasionally I'll just strum a song).
I decided to randomly open my songbook and play the first song that
appeared. Bad idea. It was "Turn Around." (Where are you going by little
one, little one; Where are you going, my baby my own; Turn around and you're
two, turn around and you're four, turn around and you're a young man going
out of the door.) Having just said goodbye to younger son as he returned to
college, I couldn't make it through the first verse. Then I tried a few
others, but my heart just wasn't really in it. So I decided to put the
guitar away, and, as Bill B. suggested, "give it a rest." I know it won't
be 10 or 15 years. I know myself well enough to know that it'll get picked
up again.

No, it's not really about the empty nest... my son is entering his third
year of college. But I think it's finally sinking in that the kids won't
ever really be home again for any length of time. He was bored, he couldn't
wait to get back to school. I suppose that's how it should be. No....
despite the AARP article, I am not planning on having another baby. :)
(Well, I suppose I could, but based on what Lance said, maybe I'd need a
sperm donor. Any volunteers? Maybe I'd finally create one genetically
programmed to like acoustic music.) And no grandchildren are in the
immediate future, which is fine. (Or if I have any grandchildren, nobody
has made me aware of it.) I know I should be cherishing this freedom.
Depression? Prozac? Nah, not really.... though I DO know a good therapist
if I need one. :) Ty, not sure what a "mercury retrograde" is.... but for
whatever it's worth, I'm a Sagittarius (born on the Scorpio/Sag cusp). Bob
A. and Steve (not Chuck)... thanks for your kind words... and yours, Mitch.
No, Steve, another trip to California is not an option. Much as I'd like to
be at Bob's for his Healdsburg fest, it's not possible. My husband is home
now anyway. We each had our opportunity to go to CA. There won't be
another anytime soon, much as I'd like to try some PP&M songs with you. And
George W. Et tu brute? You are one of the most incredibly talented people
I know. You overflow with creativity. It is hard for me to imagine you
feeling any of these things.

Summertime in Florida is a slow time. House concerts come to a standstill,
many people head up north, it's too hot to do much of anything. (Though
this year they changed the calendars, and last week the kids started back to
school. Having grown up in a place where school never started before Labor
Day, I do feel bad for the kids.) I suppose things will start kicking in
musically again very soon. But this is a large metropolitan area (though
not quite Philadelphia, Kevan) and there is enough of an offering. And
yes... An Eng... I'm like you. As ashamed as I am to admit it, listening to
great performers when I'm feeling down is NOT an upper for me. It just
reminds me of how little I know. Though usually, I find listening to music
a real upper, which is why I liked hosting house concerts so much this past
year. Yes, you are all correct. I am not feeling challenged. I am aware
that the Song Swaps were initially a challenge. Just learning to get
through one without having a heart attack was a challenge. But there has
been a lot of discussion regarding the different types of song circles, and
ours (the Broward Folk Club) tend to be more like individual performances.
After a while, you run out of ideas of things to do. I actually like it
when people sing together, when there are lots of harmonies, but that hasn't
been happening. It DID happen in Texas last year, and that's why, I guess,
it's true (Bill and Joe) that probably that's part of it. I need that
again. But like Joyce, my biggest fear is that I'll show up in October, and
everybody will notice that I haven't improved one iota since last year.
Same old shit. That, I suppose, is my biggest fear.

Yes, there are some things that have changed in a year. Since last
October... I've hosted six house concerts. I played at a few open mics (for
the first time in my life). I learned to use my computer to record songs
(with lots of help from all of you, especially Mike Barr). I attended a
songwriting class, and wrote two songs... and I got up the nerve to perform
one (which was awful) in Virginia. The other (I've shared it with a few of
you) has never been performed because it is too deeply personal... and
unless I get mighty drunk in Texas (unlikely) I'd never have the nerve to do
it, though it might fit in well with the "suicide" song mode at 3 a.m.. I
imagined that by now I'd have written a ton of songs and be singing some of
my own in Texas, but that has not happened and I really have nothing to
share. I realize that I love to learn new songs, and I do sometimes add new
ones to my book. For example, I melted last year when I heard Joe do
Caledonia, and it has become one of my favorites. Everybody here has heard
it now a dozen times (they're probably sick of hearing me sing it). I loved
hearing Joe and Raf do it in harmony, I loved the way the song "spoke" to
me. After Texas, I came home and listened to it, looked up the lyrics,
spent hours working out the chords and finding a way to sing it that I like.
But... I will not do it in Texas because I think of it as Joe's song, not
mine. Oh... and in May, I did a house concert for an old friend whom I had
sung with 30 years ago in West Virginia. He invited me to do about four
songs with him at the end of the concert (we had worked on them ahead of
time... three that we had done together years ago, one new one that we
worked out together). And yes, it was an incredible high. I love
harmonizing. I loved working out the songs. And... I thought we would do
it again sometime. Our Folk Club has just decided to sponsor a monthly open
mic (we've been doing the Song Swaps for years) and when I saw my friend a
few weeks ago (to pick up the dulcimer), I told him about it and said...
here is our opportunity to do it again. And... his response really
disappointed me. He told me he would not drive an hour south to do an open
mic with me if he wasn't going to make any money doing it. I suppose I'm
angry about that. He is a reporter by profession, not a musician... though
he gets paid to do his occasional gigs. But nobody is ever going to pay to
hear me. And.... I thought he enjoyed it enough that he'd want to do it
again with me just for the sheer joy of it. But clearly our motivations
were different. And I'm disappointed and that has been a downer. It is
hard to find people I can perform well with. But I know how important that
is in order for me to feel challenged. In Texas last year... working out
"The Boxer" with Dave Wellborn... what a high! I have no idea how it
sounded to other people, but it was so much fun for me. And doing the
Rockcliffe with Annie Enke... another high. I realize how much I enjoy
things like that. But I don't have enough opportunities to do them. And
Joyce, when we women were all sitting around that cabin in Virginia working
out harmonies... that was a high too. Maybe I SHOULD head up to see you one
of these days. Not enough opportunities for that. Song swaps are fun...but
I like working out the harmonies and singing with other people. You are all
right... I DO need some new musical partners. (Thanks for coming out of
lurk mode to point that out to me, Ken S.)

Okay... so where does it all leave me. Well, I am aware of the things that
probably won't work for me. Taking formal lessons... no. My budget is too
tight and my schedule is too erratic. I'd end up canceling lessons because
work will always interfere. Besides, when I'm into something, if I have the
time, I do better left to my own devices. I can become compulsive about
doing something I'm into. If I could find a way to learn it on my own...
find the time... study a book... I get so intensely absorbed once I'm there
(like when I was learning to do the recordings on the computer, when I'm
working out a new song, when I was writing those songs) that hours and days
can go by in which I even forget to stop and eat. So I'm better off doing
that on my own. Johnny Cash? Nah, Bob G., I don't think so. Somehow that
doesn't speak to me. Amps and pick-ups? I don't think so. I wouldn't put
one in my Martin, anyway. And I have no money to spend for equipment like
that. Learning a totally new genre... jazz, classical, swing? No... I like
listening to other people do those things (Robert Harding totally blows me
away), but that doesn't really "speak" to me. I realize how much the lyrics
and words are important to me. I would like to be able to accompany myself
much better, but the singing is still important to me. I wouldn't mind
having a song or two that I could do as an instrumental... but for the most
part I need to be able to sing. That's where my heart is.

A new guitar? God, my mouth waters when I listen to all of you talk about
that. Thinking of Sheli going to get her new angel guitar. Listening to JD
talk about his guitar that he is waiting for... and Jeff Sherman and Donna
waiting for their Leaches. It was SO much fun to go to Texas last year with
that Leach Voyage Air. It sounded so different from my Martin, and the
change was so nice. I love my Martin but I DO need a different sound for
some variety. I think about what it would be like to have a pick-up in a
guitar. To have a really beautiful guitar with some custom made inlay. But
unless I win the Paragon guitar contest, that is just not going to happen.
Another two years of tuition bills to get through, and a husband who would
never understand. It just isn't in the cards for me. And as for my own
guitar... I did have some questions, JD. In the 34 years I've had my
guitar, I had very little done to it. New strings when I need them. New
pick guard when the old one peeled off. Had the action lowered (bad
mistake)... and then last year for the first time, major overhaul. Neck
reset. New bridge and saddle. Cracks repaired. It was gone for over a
month and I was going crazy (but the Voyage Air Harv loaned me saved me).
So, it seems fine since then. Nobody ever told me I have to have a "set up"
ever year. Do I? What does that mean and would it make a difference? It
will still sound like my Martin. My friend here tells me that it is not
really necessary. Another friend grabs my guitar at every Song Swap and
says he loves it, so I know it sounds pretty good. Also... leaving it out?
After the fiasco last year with the damage from the vinyl strap, I was told
NOT to. It is hot and humid in Florida. I was chastised about that, told
to leave it in the case, which is designed to handle the climate better. So
I never leave it out anymore (though I do have guitar stands lying around
the house).

Other things I've thought about... I have the cheap Yamaha. I should
probably learn how to tune it to a different tuning and experiment with
that. I have no clue where to start. I should find the time to take a
music theory class. I want to understand more about how the different chords
are formed, the different scales, what Aug and Dim and 6ths and 7ths really
mean. I think some theoretical framework would help me. Segovia scales?
Actually Betsey, that might be a good idea for me. I do not see myself
playing classical music. But maybe if I got more dexterous on the keyboard,
if I could get my fingers moving more, it would help me think of some more
creative accompaniments. A slide would be fun to play around with. And...
believe it or not, Ken and Lucy... your idea of the uke actually resonates
with me. When I was a child learning from George Britton at summer camp, he
taught us on ukes. Later, we graduated to guitars. I never thought much
about ukes since then. At Pinewoods Camp last summer, one woman only played
the uke, and she'd sit around the song circles and lead us in these
wonderful songs. It was really fun. When my younger son was a toddler, he
had this hip disorder called Legg Perthes disease. For two years, from ages
two through four, he lived life in a metal brace that held his legs spread
wide apart like a cowboy on horse. It didn't really stop him from doing
things, but we tried to keep him busy so he wouldn't notice he was different
from the other kids. He loved music (now he's into hip hop and rap,
unfortunately) and he imagined himself a rock star... and he wanted a guitar
like mine. I thought maybe if I got him something "real" instead of a
plastic toy, he might actually learn to play it. Of course, he was only
two... but I searched all over to find him a real ukulele... a tiny one...
and I have so many photos of him wearing a cowboy hat and with his legs
braced apart, strumming that uke. Somewhere back then it got trashed and I
got rid of it. But... maybe I could find one again and learn how to play
it. It would be fun to be able to draw on a few different instruments...
guitar, uke, dulcimer. I wouldn't know where to find one now, what to buy,
or how to play it... but at least it's something I could afford and I can't
imagine it would be all that hard to play. So that idea speaks to me. And
finally, Mike Pugh... you hit the nail right on the head. Fingerstyle blues
WOULD be something I would like to learn. In fact, Deep River Blues is a
song somebody once taught me to play (instrumentally) years ago, but I've
long forgotten how. I do have a friend here (some of you will meet him,
because he's coming to Texas with me) who plays it really well. He knows
how to do open tunings. He has offered to teach me some of that fingerstyle
blues stuff that he does. He said if I wanted, he would teach me Deep River
Blues, but that it's a tough piece. The thing is... he also chastised me
because I didn't practice the finger exercises he gave me this summer... and
as he told me last night, "you can lead a guitarist to a guitar, but you
can't make her play." And if I'm going to learn some of these things, I
know I have to find the time to practice.

Okay, enough. Sorry about the length of this post. You all just got me to
thinking. I have my work cut out for me. Lots to think about. And yes...
sometime (before Texas) I will pick up the guitar again. I just have to
figure it all out.

Regards,

Arlene

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"Kol_Isha" - A Woman's Voice



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