Re: Rachel's Place

Also, in middle school there was an "in" group, which I wasn't in,
naturally, although there was a little cross-over in friendships (btw,
when i was talking about friends making fun of me and stuff, that was
in high school) and one of the things I knew was that Jesus died for
them, so they could be saved. And the way I always felt about it, was,
well, I'm Jewish, so he didn't save ME. (and my life is HARD, but I dig
it, because I play hard, and I like it.)

like when the blonde hair blue eyed boy I had my first major crush on
jumped me at someone's pumpkin party out at somebody's farm, a party
for all the kids in my grade, that was awesome!

or like when another boy i liked held my hand at the rollerskating
party and then we went outside later at somebody's house and looked up
at the stars, that was so nice, but it never went anywhere.

ahh, what am i doing here? reminiscing on old pre-pubescent romances
that weren't meant to be.

good. i can't believe bob dylan did that NDH and looked into the
camera, and I thought he was talking to ME!

I am seriously so mad at Bob Dylan for doing that. But my only
consolation is that it must have been nice for Gloria and Echo!

You're a TURD, BOB DYLAN! A REAL HONEST TO G-D TURD!



Rachel wrote:
Oh, what I wrote in my first post which I lost, and just remembered,
is, maybe Santa Claus is so white, with a white beard, and so fat,
because he lives at the North Pole. :)

Rachel wrote:
OH ***! I JUST LOST MY WHOLE POST. Like a numnut, I didn't copy it,
and encountered a server error.

Oh jeez...alright. Take #2! ugh!

Alright..

I was outside, and I became slightly confused. Not in anyway that made
me queasy or anxiety ridden, it's just that I sometimes forget that
Jesus was Jewish.

And I realize, I guess it's because of all the paintings and such which
seem to glorify him and all the saints, and angels, and what-not, at
least the most famous ones, as being so white and "pure", as ghosts. I
mean, Christianity seems to be a religion taken over by white
Europeans. It seems like it's THEIR religion. (Oh G-d, I know I'm so
uneducated here, I'm giving it my best shot. I'm not nervous because I
know you know me, and that I am not racist or prejudiced, or a bad
person, although I only fooled around with boys within limits of race,
and when it was crossed with french kissing a black friend once, it
just didn't feel right, and I always thought I would marry within
Judaism, although, after "breaking up" with Bob, and the horror of my
fall from imaginary grace in the world, I imagined that I could hook up
with a Christian, of close, similar race..but i just couldn't go black,
that was too far, too distant, from me, in whatever way that is,
sexually? simply because of color/background, it just doesn't sit right
with me, sorry, it's true, and that would be true as far as hooking up
with asians, probably as well. i don't know. this is new in this post,
i wasn't talking about my sexual preferences, i hope this doesn't
offend anybody.)

I don't even know when I learned that Jesus was Jewish. I can remember
back in Middle School, even, that even the NAME "Jesus" was SICKENING
to me. Why? It was all rather simple, the way they presented it in
Hebrew School. Christians believe that Jesus was the Messiah. The
Messiah is supposed to come to Earth and bring world peace, remove all
pain and suffering, war, disease, etc...like bring Heaven to Earth.

It just seemed plain old "stupid." How could Jesus be the Messiah? He
came and brought peace to the WHOLE world, saved the world, and then he
died? He was the Savior of the world? That's exactly how it was
presented to us, and we hated it.

This is not as close to the original post as I would like. I wrote
something about always feeling on the "outs" in school, because of my
religion/coloring, but still thinking that my religion was the best, a
conceited jew, sort of. (social relations were hard.)

but like my two best friends, we were like the three muskateers (sp?),
were the two girls with the blondest hair and the bluest eyes (one of
them, her mother was a former nazi!), and on this card I have, I wrote
up with some girlfriends, we wrote that Rachel's ideal boy was blonde
hair, blue eyes.

But that changed as I got older. (Dark hair, brown eyes) Maybe I was
looking for me. hahaha.

What is the whole point of this? Oh, I guess it was about Christianity
and the white race, and Jesus being Jewish, and not white, the whole
thing doesn't make sense, if you take it all literally.

I don't know. I'm incredibly uneducated. Sorry.






Rachel wrote:
Well, I would just like to say:

I like it when the person/people who give/s me a rating of poor, or
anything, really, does it on a post for which I can figure out WHY, and
thus agree upon it. In the other cases, where I don't know WHY, I just
don't understand.. :(

I would also like to add, that I am ENTIRELY grateful, that there isn't
someone here who is *so* against me, that s/he is rating every single
posting of mine with a poor. That would make me sad. :) (smiling at the
person/people giving me ratings of poor, although I wish I knew why in
the earlier cases. :( )

Please be patient. G-d isn't finished with me yet.

I'm sorry about the joke about color. I think it just popped into my
head because it was literally the most inappropriate thing I could say,
and that made me laugh. I honestly did not see at the time how it could
be hurtful. I didn't even think about WHY it was funny, other than it
was inappropriate ( why, i don't know where it came from, it just
popped into my head, and i started laughing, because i knew it was
something that was "an issue" SOMEHOW, but not what the issue was)

I don't empathize greatly *in my heart* with the sensitivity of
african-americans, because I don't see them in any way as second class,
or less than. I admire and like black people (and have been afraid of
them - I almost got beat up for treating a girl in my new public high
school class exactly as I would treat a good friend, and joking around,
joking around about something that maybe hurt her feelings, she took it
the "wrong way", or rather, something i had never encountered with any
previous (white) friends, and the school had put my locker down in the
basement, with all the black students, and they started threatening to
beat me up, and it was really scary, and they moved my locker up a
floor. i always considered that the blacks in my school felt the way
they did because they wanted to, and wanted to be separate, not because
white students were shutting them out. Maybe it's just MUCH MORE
COMPLICATED than I have ever considered, and I believe that my making
that joke was out of pure ignorance, not any kind of intended
disrespect.)

It literally just popped into my head, I didn't think about it, but it
made me laugh. What I didn't stop to think about at the time was that
the REASON it probably popped into my head was that it was the MOST
inappropriate thing to say. I didn't stop to think about why. Because,
like I said, I don't relate to feeling that blacks are in anyway less
than whites, so I didn't even know where it came from. It came from the
whole argument, which I always felt I sided with blacks, that I didn't
like the whole white perpective on G-d and religion in Christianity,
but I never stopped to think about how that might make Christian blacks
FEEL about being black. (I personally think black is more beautiful
than white, but I never wanted to marry outside of Judaism, I always
thought.)

I hope that apology works for you.

Most Sincerely and Apologetically,
Rachel Ben-Levi

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