Re: Rachel's Place

All Quiet on the Northern Front...

nothing happening up there in my brain...movie is boring...can't think
of anything to write...hey, i didn't laugh at that thing about aliens
invading the Earth. it's just that i thought of it to write, so i did.
i made it amateurish on purpose. i mean, not that i could have made it
more persuasive on my own, i mean, i would have had to look up similar
examples on the internet, but i thought it would be better to write it
like that, to make it funnier, not that it made me laugh. i thought it
was "ok."

anyway, i miss Mr. Dylan. i mean, not that i want to be with him. i
guess i'm just lonely, and writing is my friend. but now i'm stuck...

i just went over to peek at Dylanpool, before writing this, and saw
that post about do right wingers get paid to post here, not so crazy,
and you know, believe me, i thought about that too, before, when
considering who some of the posters are in rmd. like, when i was
thinking about *some* of the unknown posters who were keeping me going
and all, and i was like, what if they are like, i don't really know how
to say this, or what i mean, but maybe like, i am ruining Bob Dylan or
something, and they want to keep me going, and they don't really
support him, they don't really love him, like i do.

i mean, i've even thought about things, sometimes, like suing him for
writing about me, etc.. but then i'm like, but i just don't care, and
actually, i mean, i don't know how my life would have turned out if it
had never happened, if i would have gotten married and had kids or
anything, but i like my life now, and i'm happy to think that the great
bob dylan was writing about me. period. it adds to my life to have
this, to write about it, and it's better than just being a person on
disability sitting in front of the t.v. all day and night, possibly
being bulimic, you know?

oh g-d, sometimes i'm worried that i will run out of things to say. you
know, it's like, where does it come from? how do i keep going like i
do? how do these ideas get into my head? will it go on for the rest of
my life? what would i do if i ran out of things to say?

i have dreams where i worry about death, and what i will do after my
family passes, and i'm all alone, it would seem, though i have a
brother, and cousins and all. but then i have to remind myself that,
you know, they don't really affect my daily life in anyway, so it
shouldn't make a difference after they are gone, but i think maybe i
will just feel so lonely on the earth, like my parents have left me.
it's very sad to think about it, and i worry about it so much. i don't
want to grow old and die, i don't want my parents to die, i just don't
know how i'm going to handle it. i guess i'll be writing about it, when
it happens...

well, that's all for now. i am no longer concerned about posting so
much to the group, especially since i *think* i feel that i have some
support, i *think*, and i'm specifically referring to the "about group"
link, that shows how much someone is posting. that concerns me a lot,
but i think i can handle it now. i think about new people coming and
looking, and feeling like a huge freak, a total loser, some "crazy
bitch" ruining bobdylan.com/rmd. (i say bobdylan.com because it's the
first live link in that site.)

it's strange to be at the point where i know now that i am writing just
for me, in the sense that i am in no way thinking about being with bob,
or if i do, it's just in my writing, and it's just a joke. just for
fun. i don't really want to be with him anymore. he's too old for me, i
have finally accepted, and too into "being" Bob Dylan, and i just
didn't know who he was when i fell for him, or even when i thought
about him when i was younger. i didn't know it was a full time job. i
literally didn't think about it, and other people would tell me of his
concerts, and i thought he just came out of his house to do them, then
went home. like, he didn't exist for me outside of that, except as an
occasional thought that flitted across my brain, to go find him one
day, and be with him.

i love living where i do, i'm so sorry for taking it out on the
homosexuals, it's just that i was feeling very mentally disturbed/ill,
and there is a lot of it in my family, and i know that it used to be
categorized as a mental illness, and i just thought that it kinda went
together. i think that's totally wrong, i think. but i love where i am,
it's fun, and i'm lucky, and this is where i want to be for the rest of
my life.

getting into relations with people is just too much pressure, too much
goes wrong, the intentions on both sides don't match, and i get abused.
not having real life friends is way more than ok with me.

i know there was something else i wanted to say, but now i don't
remember what that was. maybe i'll be back.

love,
Rachel :)

p.s. ahh, in re-reading, i remembered what i wanted to say. i still,
like last night, when i am lying in my incredibly comfortable bed,
pretend that i am kissing him, and i was like, "i've got you. you're
with me now. you'll always be with me. i went and got you, and we are
going to be together forever. i love you more than anyone has ever
loved another human being before, ever, in the whole history of
humankind" and kiss him over and over and over, then snuggle into bed,
and fall asleep.

.

Relevant Pages

  • Re: Rachels Thread (was Rachels Place II)
    ... i mean, it's like it ruined my life, because i am not ready for it all ... but i'll do anything to be with bob dylan, ... I am just thinking about my writing on the ... It's not funny, and you're not laughing. ...
    (rec.music.dylan)
  • I FOUND IT!!!!!!
    ... whatever are bob dylan, including the hello. ... life entails reading my shit, that's your problem, not mine. ... because the only reason i am writing and have no life is because of bob ...
    (rec.music.dylan)
  • Re: Dear RMD
    ... think that would make bob dylan flattered. ... being interested in him, that makes me sad. ... i don't know why i laugh the way i do at things i think ... your writing about hope. ...
    (rec.music.dylan)
  • Re: Rachels New Thread
    ... and I am living out the end of my life. ... to take care of myself, ... I don't really believe Bob Dylan. ... That's why I don't watch the news. ...
    (rec.music.dylan)
  • Re: Rachels Thread (was Rachels Place II)
    ... Bob Dylan, but maybe just because it's a GROUP on the Internet, well, ... I am just thinking about my writing on the ... it just wasn't funny. ... :) (i hope, i *think*, i dunno, am schizo, can't think, don't ...
    (rec.music.dylan)