Re: Dearest Friends


Rachel wrote:
hi. this is hard...

wow.

this is really hard.

i am here with my tail between my legs.

it cost money.

your money.

the ambulance, the hospital...

oh, and yeah, it was illegal.

and it wasn't worth it.

oh great. i say that, and i'm not 100% sure. (i'm know i'm still
struggling with this a little inside)

ok, now i'm sure. it wasn't worth it.

why wasn't i sure?

wow. stupid. because of some of the cool things i thought, and fun
things i did while on it.

but no, i think about it, and also, i received some beautiful letters
of concern, and i think i know you are all my friends, and it was
really an error of VERY POOR judgement.

it was a snap judgement, in that i was thinking, i'm not having enough
fun, and called to get an 8 ball, or whatever you call it.

like i said, this is hard.

i need to take a break, but i am so glad to be back, and i also want
everyone to know that i really realize that fester is never coming
back, and you know, i am so thrilled that i have this group, and a nice
living situation, that it's truly truly enough, and i'm just doing this
for fun.

and to not be so lonely and to have some cool friends (you guys).

i need to stop, but because of the letters of concern, i was so
touched, i really just wanted to let you all know what was going on. i
was originally waiting until i felt inspired or knew what to say or how
to come back. i've been in the hospital for like a week or so, i'm not
exactly sure. i wasn't even high when i went in. i didn't even use the
whole thing. it was from lack of sleep and the trip turned really bad
(understatement), and then after i came down, i still believed it.
(more later i guess) ziglveidt, and a letter from doug i didn't read
yet i was so touched by ziggy's letter i had to write to rmd, well that
said it, but this is hard to write, i feel so bad and ashamed, because
rmd is so great, and it was so weak of me to just say, "fuck it" when i
wasn't having THE TIME OF MY LIFE, as usual, even when i am mad or
angry, because i love the writing, and i'm so sorry.

i would just like to say one thing. omg, that post about something
yummy in the fridge, i don't remember writing maybe someday. when i saw
it, before the hospital, i was like, WTF?, but mainly, i did not make
that other post before it, and i look at it now, and it's really weird,
because the one saying i didn't make the other post supposedly came in
before the one that was on my computer with nothing in it that I DID
NOT MAKE. i don't understand it. some other weird things happened, too,
and i just don't believe i could do these things on drugs and not
remember. but you know what? it's possible. scary. i swear this really
JUST occured to me. i don't think it's cool or anything. there is
nothing about that that is positive, and i don't want to do drugs
again, but deep in my heart, i feel like i will, because i don't think
i am that strong or lucky. we'll just have to see.

also, when i came in, after things like taking a long hot shower (i
hate showering at the hospital, i took like one there) talking with
Leanne and Ken, i was in the middle of my living room, and said to the
picture of bob on the wall, you know, the one i said was the most
beautiful picture of bob dylan ever made available to the public, and i
mean it, i kissed my hand, and touched the picture and said "Hello most
beautiful man in the whole world! I'm home!"

i hope you can please forgive me.

what really hurts is i really believed james, and i think he actually
brought me some free, because he was trying to turn me back on to it to
get money, and i didn't know that.

i love you all.

i hope the people who said mean things don't really mean it, at least
all the time.

ok, i have to go smoke.

i love you.

thank you for sharing yourselves (i suppose i mean the posters) and
your time (everyone) with me.

love,
Rachel

Dear RMD,

I really feel like I let you all down. I felt that it was SO IMPORTANT
that I never do drugs again, that this goes against everything that I
am for, life, health, happiness, and now, since I am all better, and
deep down, I don't feel like it was all that bad...but it was. Now that
I am here accounting for it before you, I really feel that it's a
matter of respect, and I just wish I could feel like I could say, NO, I
can't do that, I don't believe in it, and I feel it now, but it's
really hard.

I know I wrote it that I couldn't be with Bob, but I guess it means I
can't be with RMD, if I do it.

Thank you for taking me back. Part of that thank you goes to the United
States government, and the people, for supporting me, through my
sickness and illness and disease.

Oh, I also remembered a couple things. Well, just one off the top of my
head. It's not Adelphia cable's fault for the programming. They just
deliver it. So I wanted to apologize to them.

I thought of numerous other things I have said...that didn't cut the
mustard...what else?

Just a little nothing thing, but remember that picture of the outside
of Bob's Malibu house or estate or whatever it is?

I thought of this when I was on drugs. My reaction wasn't "wow. how did
you know?"

It was more like, and this is a little funny, if you're in the mood,
I'm not, but "I'm so confused. How did you know?" Like, his personal
taste, you know, I think of things in the biograph booklet, ok, this is
really scary to say, but I'm just being honest, I was confused, because
I was thinking on this superficial level, like, you are the great Bob
Dylan, I don't understand why you are like this, all of it. (NOT
DISRESPECTFULLY, but I really was confused, I must be very shallow and
vain and honestly, writing all this is making me sick to my stomach,
but on drugs, it was really really funny, the "i'm so confused," like
how did Bob Dylan get "good taste" to build a beautiful house like
that. G-d I feel so sick in my stomach it's gross.)

.

Relevant Pages

  • Re: From the Real Janet
    ... Hi Bob, some time ago you did me a great favor, you made to the time to ask me to send a picture of a dog we had just lost and you took your personal time to take the picture and alter it and sent it back to us and every since it has hung on our wall to remind us of a great dog we once had. ... some money. ...
    (rec.outdoors.rv-travel)
  • Re: Stock market drop means one thing...
    ... Good money after bad. ... of their committing Crimes against Humanity! ... performed these Crimes against Humanity, helping to destroy our Liberty, our ... and medicating most of them with drugs that ...
    (alt.politics)
  • Re: Guns, politics, and avian flu
    ... isn't all THAT difficult, Bob: ... It's putting money into a pool to be used for the common good. ... The *government* is not rendering the services, ... >> It still belongs to you, to me, to the people. ...
    (misc.writing)
  • Re: Where are Sharpton and Jackson apologizing to the Duke players.....
    ... and only for 5-10 mins at that. ... THERE IS MORE MONEY TO BE MADE. ... This was a girl who was stumbling around on some combination of drugs and alcohol. ... three players fear they will be punished unfairly for the sins of some of ...
    (rec.music.artists.springsteen)