TOOLS

COMMON TOOLS DEFINED

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar
stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your beer across
the room, denting the freshly- painted vertical stabilizer which
you had carefully set
in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints
and hard-earned
calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh sh!
#..."

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up
jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle.
It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and
the more you
attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads.
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the
palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the
conduction of
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease
inside the wheel hub out of
which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles
for testing wall integrity.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any
known
drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any
possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to
cut good
aluminum *** into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash
can after you cut on
the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength
of
everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN * x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that
inexplicably
has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the
handle.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
lids or
for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
shirt; but can also
be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used
to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you
needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
is used
as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent
the object
we are trying to hit.


DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while
yelling 'DAMMIT!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often,
the next tool that
you will need.
.

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