AMERICA'S REIGNING CATS AND DOGS - ELECTION 2008


AMERICA'S REIGNING CATS AND DOGS - ELECTION 2008



In the beginning, God created everything, including cats and dogs, lots and
lots of cats and dogs.



On the seventh day, He rested. All the Heavenly hosts were whooping it up,
flying all around, praising and glorifying God and his wonderful new
creation. God said, "Boy, this is good!"



His boy said, "Yep, Pop!"



God said, "All you need is love! Tomorrow, I'll invent beetles..."



And so creation went.



One day, in the Garden of Eden, practically within the city limits of what
would one day be Santa Barbara -- before Hawaii broke off and floated away
from it -- the serpent was strolling around with a big Havana cigar stuck in
his ***.



He saw the brand new female human. Sensing an easy mark, he began sidling
up to her. But a little red mini-me serpent with horns and a tail appeared
on his left shoulder and said, "Dude, don't do it! It'll backfire
big-time!"



The serpent checked his right shoulder for a dissenting opinion of goodness.
But there was nobody there. So, he turned and walked away. The female
human had been looking at an apple tree, and had been joined by Duh Man.
"Should we eat it?" he asked. "I'll do anything to make you happy, Babe!"



She tilted her head coquettishly, placed a finger against her chin
thoughtfully, and then said, "Naaah! Let's go invent volleyball instead!"



They trotted off to become the planet's biggest airheads.



Meanwhile, the serpent found the first dog and cat. They were curled up
together, snuggling, dozing in the warm sun (back when it was still white
and hadn't yellowed yet), the best of friends. Back then, the cat was the
same size as the dog.



The serpent eyed the two. Then he whispered to the cat, "Pssst!"



The serpent offered the cat some of the choicest catnip, rare freshly
created Lebanese blonde catnip.



But the cat told him, "I shan't eat of it, for the Lord my God hath saideth
that upon the day I eatith of itith, surely I shall die."



The serpent responded, "Naaah, that's a load o' litter, ***. And lose that
lisp. Listen, good lookin', you won't die. He's lying to you. Eat this
catnip, and you'll be like him; powerful, immortal, able to catch anything
you chase."



Now, the dog had awakened and had joined them.



Thinking fast, the serpent (Such a fast thinker! His only invention was
political campaign strategy) quickly held out to the dog a small object.
The serpent tore off the paper wrapper, and then peeled off the foil,
revealing chocolate. (No, of course the devil didn't invent chocolate.
Only God could invent something so Heavenly! The devil invented those stale
Kisses that sit on the shelves at Safeway for God-knows-how-many years...)



Suddenly, Eve, intensely interested in the chocolate, went riding by upon a
beautiful palomino horse, wearing only her long hair.



The serpent scratched his head in perplexity at this, then got back to the
business of temptation. He told the dog what he'd told the cat. The cat
ate the catnip and offered some to the dog. The dog looked at it and cocked
his head to the right, and then to the left. He looked back at the
chocolate, looked around, whimpering and whining a little, turned back to
the chocolate, and wolfed it down in one gulp.



All of a sudden the light of sentience blazed in the eyes of both animals.



The dog howled, "Whoa! I don't stink!" And he began rolling in the dirt.



The cat sniffed and then yowled, "You filthy slob!" and began scratching
furiously trying to bury the dog.



God appeared. And He was NOT a happy supreme being at all.



The serpent murmured, "Uh, oh..." and tried to slink away.



God whistled loudly and cried, "Here kitty, kitty, kitty!" in His best most
high falsetto. "Where are my two favorite pets in the whole WOR-ld??" he
sang. It was a rhetorical question. (Right then and there, God had
invented rhetoric.)



He looked down at the two tiny specks, cowering, both their tails between
their legs.



"What have you both done?? Bad, kitty! Bad, dog! BAAAAAD, doggie! And
serpent, I've had about enough out of you. First Microsoft, and now this.
Cursed be you beneath all creatures! And because you listen to the evil
mini-you on your shoulder, you shall have no more shoulders!"



The serpent fell to the dirt and crawled around. He took off after the
humanimals, but it was too late.



"I'm furious at you, dog and cat!" roared God. Several volcanoes around the
Earth exploded to life, in response. A huge earthquake snapped Hawaii clean
off from Southern California. "Dog! As punishment for scarfing down the
Bar of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, thou shalt work-like-a-dog for your
bones all the days of thy life. And...and...oh, I'm so besideth myself!"
And He was, of course. He swung His mighty fists high up into the galaxies
in frustration sending them spinning off in all directions, and then stomped
His mighty foot. Several million stars all around the cosmos popped into
supernovas, in response. "You know what?? Thou shalt have an irresistible
predilection to sniffeth each other's butts, too!"



Then he whirled on the cat who cowered back, hissed, and vainly swung a paw
with extended claws at Him. "And thou, cat! What a perfect creation thou
wert! As punishment for snorting the Bud of the Knowledge of Good and Evil,
and for enticing the fool dog, thou shalt never be bigger than the smallest
dog, and thou shalt not be able to hold thy meals down. But wait, there's
more! Thou shalt be cursed with an irresistible compulsion to ..."











From:

AMERICA'S REIGNING CATS AND DOGS - ELECTION 2008

...a novel and political spoof about an America run by cats and dogs.



http://www.DougKen.com






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