Re: I have to ask!
- From: "Eve" <itsjusteve@xxxxxxxxx>
- Date: 5 Apr 2006 17:49:02 -0700
Hiya, Dee Dee,
Seems that the ones who are usually around throughout the day hours
(USA at least), aren't around today so that even though you posted
early afternoon, it's now evening and nobody's answered.
I'm really not one to give advice. Perhaps no one really is. I always
feel you've got to "go with your gut" to be true to yourself.
That said, I do wonder about a couple things......
What was your marriage like prior to your separation? Was it
everything you hoped and wanted it to be? Were you happy ... I mean
really deep down to the core of your bones happy? Do you feel that Jim
was? Did either of you misrepresent yourselves prior to your marriage
.... resulting in a bit of a surprise at finding out that something
rather different was the case than was thought?
I have a couple reactions to what you said....
You said, ".... Even when I express this to him it doesn't seem to
matter, because he gets mad at me and says he spends plenty of time
with me."
I'm personally of the opinion that I don't want someone to be with me
unless THEY really want to be. Not out of a sense of commitment or
responsibility, not because they feel guilty, or not just because they
don't want me to be hurt or upset. I want them to be with me because
THEY want to for themselves. I've also found that this attitude and
the willingness to let them come and go as they please and not let on
even if I do feel hurt or jealous somehow tends to make them be with me
more. Kinda like the old play-hard-to-get deal. If he thinks you're
panting for him, he knows you're still gonna be there waiting when he
gets around to seeing you. However, if he thinks your attitude is
changing and that you might just find something "better" to do with
yourself than to wait around for him, he might think harder about his
lackadaisical attitude toward you. He currently feels you're "money in
the bank" and that he can do whatever he wants and that you'll still be
there when he wants.
You also said, ".... am I thinking wrong here about how I feel about
this? Am I again being overly sensitive or are my feelings fair?"
Honey, no one in the world can tell you how to feel! In fact, you
can't even control it yourself. You feel the way you feel -- period.
Overly sensitive? Well, I don't think you can control that either.
You can, however, hide how you feel. I think it's possible that your
feelings (and expressing them to Jim) are strengthening his idea that
you'll always be waiting with bated breath for him.
Like I said at the start of this post, I'm not one to give advice. I'm
a strong believer in self evaluation and also in character study. I'm
very pleased that you're intending to go for counseling and feel that
this is the best place to get advice, if not the only place that's
worthwhile. Just choose a counselor with whom BOTH you and Jim are
comfortable.
I send you hugs to soothe your heart, chicken soup to soothe your
hurting body and thoughts and prayers to lift the clouds from your
soul. Smiles,
Eve :o)
.
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