Re: Off topic - Hail Re: What are you stitching next?


"ellice" <egirl22@xxxxxxxxxxx> wrote in message
news:C4B9BC4D.DF52%egirl22@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
On 8/2/08 7:12 AM, "lucretia borgia" <lucretiaborgia@xxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:

On Sat, 02 Aug 2008 08:16:47 -0230, "Cheryl P." <cperkins@xxxxxx>
opined:

mirjam@xxxxxxxxxxxx wrote:

You can observe , you can try to undertand , but you can`t lIke Karen
does, Make general assumptions about how and what they feel ,
And i also don`t agree with your idea of people `getting` used to
grieve eralier that others ,,
One doesn`t gett used to it , but learns to live on ,,,with it .

That's the idea. I got it from someone who has spent a lifetime helping
people who are suffering, more recently almost always those who are
grieving the death of someone close to them. People learn to grieve. The
first time someone close to you dies, you don't know how to deal with
all the feelings that arise - and today, in the west, that first time
can come when you are in your 20s, 30s or even later. The next time it
happens, the grief won't be exactly the same because your relationship
to each person you lose to death is individual. But this time, you know
that however much it hurts, you are not going insane, you can get
through it, and you know what kinds of support from your friends and
family is most helpful. You've learned how to mourn. And while it's
never easy, it is easier if it's not your first experience with death;
if you have gotten used to grieving. (There's a generalization for you!)

Cheryl

I totally disagree with that idea - my mothers family was very large
and now it is down to my aunt and I. Most likely she will go before
me (she's 15 years older) but I know the pain will be no less than
when my mother was one of the first to go in 1976.

Quantity and experience makes it no easier unless of course, you are
an uncaring person.

Agreeing. I think it's not "easier" precisely, but the learned coping
skills help in dealing. OTOH, some people react the opposite, and become
more distraught as losses continue in their life. It's very individual.
However, there is the commonly accepted stages of grieving - along with
the
commaonly accepted thought that the first death you deal with as an adult
is
the "new" and difficult experience, while those that come later don't have
that difficulty of newness. Personlly, I think this is a very individual
thing. Losing my DM somewhat unexpectedly was difficult. Losing my DF 10
weeks later, slightly more unexpectedly, was much more difficult - perhaps
a
compound situation. I think as we age, and deal more with our own
mortality, and survival as those close leave us alone (so to speak) the
grieving can go from that acceptance, ability to deal with, to become
sharper and more difficult again. Such and individual thing.

Ellice

Grief, as you say, is an individual thing, but losing a child is losing a
part of yourself and I don't care how you live, or where you live or indeed
in what socio-economic slot you fit, it's the most devastating of all
because it simply isn't the natural order of things.

That's not to say that some people are more stoic and accepting and some
people overreact and go into hysterics. That's IMHO just the way it is and
it's that way with most things.

Some people go into hysterics if their sink is leaking and others withstand
major damage to their homes from a hurricane with a smile and a we'll
rebuild attitude.

I'm certainly no expert but I imagine that is the same world over and just
another example of human nature..

Lucille



.

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