Re: CRIT: If Some Messenger
- From: Bill Swears <wswears@xxxxxxx>
- Date: Tue, 02 Dec 2008 08:39:39 -0900
Daniel R. Reitman wrote:
I've been trying to work with this idea for a few years, but I haven't
been satisfied with the way it was going. This is the start of a new
version with different characters.
Feel free to tear it to bits.
Dan, ad nauseam
If Some Messenger
Daniel R. Reitman
The vidphone beeped. George turned from the computer and hit
the receive button.
"Yes?"
"You have a call from Jonathan Wein."
"Thank you, Chris. I'll take it." The picture shifted from
the receptionist to a heavyset man in his early thirties. Jonathan
wore his hair in the fashion of a few years earlier, long bangs combed
to one side and short in the back. His white shirt was rumpled,
collar open. The bags under his eyes showed that he hadn't been
sleeping well.
"Mr. Sakamoto? I think you were my dad's lawyer."
"Sam Wein? Yes, for years. Is there anything I can do for
you?"
"Dad passed away last week."
"I'm sorry. He was a good man." Jonathan nodded.
George called up a copy of the will on the computer. "Let's see. Your
dad left fifty thousand to OSU and the rest to his children. You were
the only one, right?"
Jonathan coughed. "That's what I need to talk to you about.
We had a surprise at the funeral."
"What happened?"
"Tracy Hingham showed up with a baby she claims is his
clone."
"Now that's something he never told me about."
"Tracy says they had it done when he went to India for his
heart surgery. Then she had it defrosted last year and implanted. Two
years after they broke up."
"Do you know where the baby was born?"
"She said in Vancouver." George made a note. Check choice of
law - India/Wash/Or.
"Did your dad say anything about Tracy asking for child
support or claiming him as father?
"
"I don't think he even knew. They hadn't spoken since the
settlement over the house and the duplex."
"I think we need to go through Sam's medical records. I hope
he kept a copy somewhere, so we can look through them without having
to open a probate first. Then I'd like to meet face-to-face to go
over the rest of what we need to do. Your dad wanted you to be
executor. Of course, I think he thought you'd be working essentially
for yourself."
Jonathan scratched his chin. "Sounds like this could cost me
something."
"A simple probate runs about ten thousand. It usually takes
six months to a year in Oregon. This one could be a fight. Expect
closer to twenty, more if there's an appeal. And two or three years.
I'd need about three thousand to start."
Jonathan tapped at a PDA. "I have to be back in Bend next
Monday. Are you free Friday afternoon?"
"Let me check when the conference room is open." George hit
hold, checked his schedule, and pinged Chris. "How's the conference
room Friday?"
"Open all day."
"OK. I'll be right back." He switched back to Jonathan. "I
have an hour at two. Bring the original will, a list of your father's
assets and liabilities, and anyone he might have done business with."
First, I haven't read any of the other comments, so if there are any echoes, they are independent. I'll start by saying I am intrigued, and would continue reading, but. This seems like monastic, golden age science fiction, where the problem is the focus, and you're shorthanding your way into the problem a little more than I'm comfortable with.
First, Wein sounds like Whine to me, but the character doesn't. I know that's silly, but it does bother me.
Second, George refers to Sam Wein as a good man, but neither George or Jonathan seems to care about his death last week. Estate lawyers probably tend to be cold to this sort of thing, because they see it a lot, but they also form friendships with some of their clients, and if Sam was with George for years, George should be reacting in one way or another. Since George is POV, you could have him flush at the reminder of his own mortality, think about his shrinking but increasingly wealthy client base and the fact that he either doesn't need, or badly needs, more clients, any number of things that would be quick and give the reader some sense of who the POV is. Also, Lawyers and other professionals who deal with death a lot have protocols for dealing with the deceased and family. The first thing I would expect out of George's mouth when he gets his secretary/office manager would be "Sam Wein died last week - send flowers and cards, the usual," or some such.
Next, the presumption of a problem with the cloned child keeps niggling at me. Why does George assume that this is a problem? Has the mother made some overture about inheritance? Would Jonathan categorically refuse to see this as an unexpected brother/nephew? Since there appears to be only one clone, and Jonathan is an only child, and it was at least somewhat prearranged by Sam, I can see Jonathan wanting proof of relationship. Still, to make an unspoken presumption of intent to exclude the unexpected relative seems cold. Cold to the point where I think the POV character is moving Jonathan toward doing wrong.
Vidphone seems retro future to me. When I watch a video, I expect sound, Cellular Phones have become Cells, if you need to differentiate from landlines, but often enough they're just phones. I'm expecting a one syllable word for conference calls, if we ever get to the point where video conferencing is the norm. I have the ability to make a conference call from my desk, via skype or IM, but I seldom do, even when calling people who share the option. My kids don't exactly hound me for it, either.
That's about it for now.
Bill
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