Re: CRIT: Proposed opening of WIP

On Thu, 27 Sep 2007 01:09:22 -0700, Nicky
<nicky.matthews@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:

On Sep 26, 7:42 pm, James Eades <jeea...@xxxxxxxxxx> wrote:
I submit this in trepidation, both for fear of the dread 'lose the
muse' phobia and for comments (if any) that may result: This is my
present opening for the WIP that is consuming my time (and holding me
hostage at chapter five):


I think it's OK. There are some things you could fix, but it's
probably
more useful to plough on unless its more helpful for you to establish
the voice more securely from
the beginning.

I believe the voice to be essential to the character, so I'll probably
be looking for ways to polish this, but, for the moment, I'll leave
this opening on the workbench but off to one side where it can be
polished at odd moments.


There was something oddly familiar about watching ten tons of fire
engine barreling down upon me, the ear-pounding BLAT of the air horn
shattering my day-dreams as I scrambled pell-mell back onto the
sidewalk.

Don't like 'blat' and 'pell mell' is one of those words that people
write but
(in UK) never use in real life so it is has an odd old fashioned
childish register to me.

Torn between expressing the sounds as onomatopoeia or in more elegant
word pictures. Again, the choice will be guided by the 'voice' in
that the speaker is a youth brought up in an area where it is not
uncommon to hear 'old fashioned' speech.



Open exhaust assaulted my ears as the firetruck brushed past, all
gleaming chrome and red, its exhaust roaring, a monster bull bellowing
along the street. The young volunteer fireman clinging to the rear of
the truck, pulling on the sleeve of his worn protective suit, had been
a senior at Wellvern High last year. He grinned and gave me a
friendly wolf-whistle, drowned out by another BLAT of the horn. I
waved back and they were gone. I was left with my heart pounding
against my ribs and a profound sense of deja vu.

'Open exhaust' does not suggest a noise to me and I don't like the rep
further
in the line.

Hmmm. Need to consider an alternative, possibly.


Come to think of it, the first time had been at this corner of
Washington and Pine, on my way to deliver a package to the old folk's
home. You'd think I'd learn to read the signs by now. On that day,
the truck had been going to a house fire and I really wanted to turn
around to follow, but I was desperate to deliver the package in my
arms.

' package' seems vague and don't see why you have repeated it.
'YOu'd think I'd learn to read the signs by now' is unhelpfully
ambiguous.
I don't think this bit reads well. The ' on that day' sounds clumsy
and the next bit clunks
to my ear.

Okay. Marked for dissection.


This time, the fire engine was headed downtown, where a thin
column of white smoke threaded into the air above nearby autumn hills
- only a trash fire, and of no interest to me. I settled back into my
comfortable mission, going to see an old woman who meant the world to
me.

A bit clumsy. 'comfortable mission'? V od fashioned register.

Noted.


My name is Jeri Sue Simpson. Sixteen (almost). Bean pole. Long,
stringy brown hair. Gray eyes. By the way, that's Jeri Sue. Two
words, not one. My mom calls me Jerisue, but she also calls me
Geraldine. I let her get away with it because I love her.

Otherwise, only idiots and enemies call me Jerisue.

This seems to me to be the first place where the voice becomes clear
and
settled. The description of the fire engine and of its occupant
doesn't quite fit with
this. The short abrupt sentences, attitude, and language contrast with
'oddly familiar' 'pell mell' and 'comfortable mission': they don't
seem to belong to the same voice.
If the whole had been written in this voice I think it would have
been more arresting.

Probably it would be well worth my while to review this section (and
revise it, also ;) to try other ways to get the point across.


The business about the fire engine doing the same thing twice seems a
bit laboured. I think the Jeri Sue of the last para is sharp and to
the point and doesn't seem likely to womble on about deja vu.

The two fires are related and tie into the overall story, so I'm
probably placing too much weight on them without explanation. Perhaps
stepping back from the canvas might help me better visualize this.


Just my two penneth. IMHO etc

Nicky

And two penneth well spent they are. Thank you.
__
JamesE
.

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