Re: [CRIT] Opening

On Thu, 20 Sep 2007 23:36:52 -0500, Patricia C. Wrede wrote:
"Jonathan L Cunningham" <spam@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote in message
news:1i4r8ke.ao03zl1r3fp98N%spam@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Catja Pafort <green_knight@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:
/snip/

Just out of curiosity, did you think that "overblown" detailed description
that you posted later -- the one everybody liked -- was heavy-handed and
awful?

I thought it was long and complicated so I skimmed it. If there weren't any
conversation to skim to (or at least some short paragraphs), he'd lose me.

/snip/

Possibly part of what's happening here is that you're trying to read this as
the sort of opening scene that's there to establish everything, when in fact
it needs to be read more as an in-medias-res opening. Jonathan is dumping
us into the middle of some action as surely as any author who opens in
mid-battle with arrows flying and swords swinging and no clues present as to
what the fight is about, let alone who the reader should root for. It's
just that this action is on an emotional-plot level, not sword-swinging-plot
stuff.

I think it's really cool that the first couple of paragraphs LOOK like a
slow, world-building sort of thing, and it's only with Sally's comment that
we see they WERE action. He's faked us out as gently as Gillum did Jane.

But it may take the next bit of the action to make this clear. At this
point, the closing the door and Gillum's body language might or might not
mean anything. But because it all looks so harmless and tokenish, I'd be
reading along fast, and would get to the real Secret Teaching or whatever
before I had time to get bored.

For that matter, ENDING the scene where the excerpt ends, with a blank line
or a chapter end, would also make the point that this WAS important.
(Unless it turns out to be Jane's story after all, and this is just sort of
a launching pad to show us where Jane is coming/leaving from.)


R.L.
--
delaman@xxxxxxxxx -- emails welcome
http://www.houseboatonstyx.livejournal.com
.

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