[CRIT] Opening

Jonathan L Cunningham <spam@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:

Helen Hall <usenet@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:

I've been getting nothing from my muse for weeks. I thought she was
trying to tell me that I still needed to do some planning and
brainstorming before she had enough to work with, but it's just dawned
on me where she is. She must still be on holiday in the US. I haven't
had a peep out of her since we came back from the Rockies. How does one
entice one's muse back home? :)

Lay a trail of breadcrumbs?

Which reminds me, need to write down a scene snippet ...

(Hangs up virtual "do not disturb" sign -- this almost guarantees
someone will phone me in the next five minutes ... )

Hot off the press ... I hope this appeases the muse :-)

But what do people think of it? 299 words. I can see some things I want
to fix, but *how* best to do it? I'm curious as to what suggestions
people make for what needs changing, and how to change it.

=====
Jane was fidgeting in her seat.

"You want to go and see the Prince in procession, don't you?" her tutor,
Prof. James Gillum asked. From what was visible of him behind his desk
at the front of the little classroom, Gillum looked like a traditional
wizard, balding, thick spectacles, and robes the worse for wear, except
that he refused to grow a beard. ("Too itchy," he would explain.)

Jane nodded. A blonde girl, she looked younger than her twelve years,
but was already attracting the attention of the boys around the castle.

"Well, go on then," Gillum said kindly. "It's not every day the Prince
celebrates a great victory. Take the rest of the afternoon off from
studying."

Jane was out of her chair almost before Gillum finished speaking. He
turned to Sally. "And how about you?"

Sally could almost have been Jane's twin, except with mousy brown hair
rather than Jane's pale blonde. She hesitated before answering. "I think
- I think I'd better learn this pattern again."

Jane, waiting in the doorway, shrugged and was gone.

Sally looked up at Gillum accusingly. "It was a trick, wasn't it?"

Gillum's face assumed an innocent expression.

"A test. She was supposed to stay here."

Gillum got up, and walked around to the front of his desk, then heaved
himself up to sit on it, his short legs swinging. "/You/ stayed."

"But Jane didn't."

Gillum sighed. "It's dangerous to dabble in magic. If you don't /want/
to learn, it's better to leave it alone."

"But Jane /does/ want to learn."

Gillum looked meaningfully at Jane's empty seat, and then at the door,
still ajar. He slid off his desk and crossed over to the door and closed
it gently. Then he turned back to Sally. "So she says," he said quietly.
=====

Jonathan

--
"I think too much - therefore I am mad!"
Agatha Clay playing Lucrezia Mongfish.
.

Relevant Pages

  • Re: [CRIT] Opening
    ... Assuming it's really more about Sally and/or Gillam than about Jane, ... Prof. James Gillum, spoke kindly to his two young students. ... Gillum looked meaningfully at Jane's empty seat, and then at the door, ... Jane was fidgeting in her seat. ...
    (rec.arts.sf.composition)
  • Re: [CRIT] Opening
    ... Except that that would tell him how Jane reacted to being told to stay, not whether she was serious about being a magician. ... And since what Gillum cares about is the latter, not the former, it would be dishonest of him to claim that a test that he told her about was testing what he said it was testing. ... By having the character herself, for instance, leave off studying to watch a parade? ... The fact that they're tests of character as well as of ability seems to make no difference to this. ...
    (rec.arts.sf.composition)
  • Re: [CRIT] Opening
    ... My kinesthetic/visual watched Jane bounce out of the scene at the first ... Then when Gillum sat at the front of the desk, ... door seemed to get a lot of prominence too. ... a disembodied voice. ...
    (rec.arts.sf.composition)
  • Re: [CRIT] Opening
    ... Jane was fidgeting in her seat. ... Prof. James Gillum asked. ... Gillum got up, and walked around to the front of his desk, then heaved ... Gillum looked meaningfully at Jane's empty seat, and then at the door, ...
    (rec.arts.sf.composition)
  • Re: [CRIT] Opening
    ... Jane was fidgeting in her seat. ... Prof. James Gillum asked. ... Gillum got up, and walked around to the front of his desk, then heaved ... Gillum looked meaningfully at Jane's empty seat, and then at the door, ...
    (rec.arts.sf.composition)