Argh! General frustration and steam-letting

I just realized I've been trying to sell this damned novel for...
er... almost three years now.

Intellectually I know this isn't really a particularly long time. For
each of the four publishing houses I've submitted it to, the novel
submission process had to go through a very complicated process:

1. The manuscript had to be put in a slush pile
2. The manuscript had to sit in the slush pile, looking vaguely morose
and despondent, until the slush reader sighed, gave in, and reached
for it
3. The manuscript had to stare reproachfully at the slush reader from
his or her desk/coffee table/end table, occasionally being moved out
of the way for coffee and/or lunch, until the slush reader gritted his
or her teeth and opened it up
4. The manuscript had to travel all the way from the desk/coffee table/
end table while the slush reader says something appropriate about the
experience ("Ktk??? What the hell kind of name is Ktk?")
5. A suitable rejection letter had to be printed out.
6. The original SASE had to be recovered and sent out in the mail.

And of course there was the requisite period of mourning after
receiving the rejection letters, the requisite period of fretting that
there was something HORRIBLY WRONG WITH MY MANUSCRIPT that I just
wasn't seeing, because I was too close to it, the requisite period of
hand-wringing while I put off creating the next submission package,
and then the requisite period of freaking out after sending the next
submission package because I was CONVINCED I'd overlooked an important
detail, but there was nothing I could do about it, because the US
Postal Service has no "undo" button.

I've been trying to keep myself busy by writing other things, but I
keep coming back to fretting over this novel. Half the time I think
it's fine (as in, "it's good enough to be published somewhere, though
I have no doubt that a good editor will have suggestions that never
occurred to me") and the other half the time I think that it's
terrible (as in, "I'm one of those guys who thinks he can be a writer,
with empahasis on the word 'thinks'.") The other half of the time I
bemoan my lack of competency in basic mathematics.

My latest submission was to Baen which is really driving me to
distraction -- Baen prefers its submissions via email, which you might
THINK would be a wonderful, comforting thing (as in, "Yay! A publisher
on the cutting edge of 1990 Internet technology!") but it's actually
making me nuts. I have to check my spam folders daily in the event
that a response from Baen gets mis-marked as spam by SpamAssassin. I
live in fear that I will overlook any kind of response at all, because
I get so much electronic junk every day. I wonder if I've already
accidentally deleted a rejection email -- or even worse, an ACCEPTANCE
email. I've moved to another state since my initial submission, and I
sent an updated address to them, but I have received no acknowledgment
that the updated address was received... and I wonder if THAT email
was inadvertently marked as spam by THEIR copy of SpamAssassin.

Then I think about how I could try to fix my novel. Then I picture
myself futzing about with the novel until I manage to ruin it
entirely, and I refuse to let myself even open up the file and LOOK at
it. Then I summon the courage to open it up, and I am horrified at how
terrible it is. Then I summon the courage to open it up a week later
and I find myself laughing and nodding in all the right places, and
think to myself "well, this might actually be kind of good." Then I
start worrying about email spam filters again.

I don't know if this is a common level of neurosis for a writer trying
to sell a first novel, or an overkill level of neurosis for a writer
trying to sell a first novel, or if this is actually a remarkably even-
keeled response to trying to sell a first novel... I just thought it
appropriate to take this time and vent, since it makes me feel better,
and every once in a while it's not to operate in a vaccuum, even if it
involves whining.

Anyway. I think I'm going to focus on writing a short story next...
it'll be easier to concentrate on while I wait for some kind of word,
and wonder if it was already sent and I just missed it, and etc.

Wheee!

Christopher B. Wright (ubersoft -at- gmail -dot- com)

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