Re: Story opening

Brian M. Scott wrote:
On Tue, 3 Jul 2007 20:25:07 -0400, dosferatu
<do$feratu@xxxxxxxxx> wrote in
<news:f6epd5027lu@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> in
rec.arts.sf.composition:

Brian M. Scott wrote:

On Tue, 3 Jul 2007 16:53:12 -0400, dosferatu
<dosferatu@xxxxxxxxx> wrote in
<news:f6ecvt01nl9@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> in
rec.arts.sf.composition:

"Denni" <DSchnapp@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote in message
news:1183487771.153641.208750@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[...]

'The shuttle broke through the cloud cover with unexpected
suddeness.

why was it unexpected? Can you ever expect something that
happens suddenly?

Sure. This is almost bound to be the case if you know that
something's going to happen fairly soon but don't know
exactly when.

Then it wouldn't be unexpected, would it?

That was the point: it *would* be expected, so it *is*
possible to expect something that happens suddenly.

[...]

shifted reflexively in his seat as fronds and branches
brushed past

What reflex? If the Adverb Police saw that, they'd slap
you with a 50 credit fine.

Why? Flinching when something comes close to your head *is*
a reflex.

But he _didn't_ flinch. He "shifted.

I find it hard to imagine anyone reading 'shifted
reflexively' in that context and not understanding
'flinched'.


I can imagine quite a bit. <g>

But I see now we are at odds. I am talking about the actual WORDS you used, and you are
talking about the MEANING that you intended.

Writing is a form of telepathy. You are telling a story, and trying to impart images and a
narrative on someone removed in time and space from yourself. It doesn't matter what you
meant, the reader can only see the words.

Let's look at those words.
"Shifted reflexively" The image of someone sitting in a space shuttle and shifting in his
seat is not very concrete. I sort of see someone trying to scoot over on a seat that is
molded to his body. Are his head and shoulders jerking away from the window?
"Flinch" I know exacly what that means. Head goes back, eyes blink, hands come up.

As a writer you have a choice of what words to use. "Shifted reflexively" is sort of a
clinical, sedate description of the events. "Flinch" would work good if you have short,
punch sentences.

Good luck with the story.


--
Pat Lundrigan
blog: http://dandyfunk.typepad.com


.

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